Yeah, I had to call AT&T about my DSL bill the other day. Because I don't have a phone through them, entering my phone number into the system as required does precisely jack and shit, because my phone number is not linked to anything in their systems. So it keeps requesting the phone number. Again and again. It took forever to get through to a person, and by that time I was just livid. So of course the first thing she asks for is my phone number and...

I didn't flip my shit. It's not her fault. But I can't have been very pleasant to deal with because at that point I'm barking out my answers, talking over her, not in a frame of mind to actually listen to anything.

I mean, bad enough that people already are pissed or they wouldn't be calling you. And then it's like corporate's been poking them with hot sticks for ten minutes before they even get to you. No wonder it's unpleasant.

And then it's like corporate's been poking them with hot sticks for ten minutes before they even get to you. No wonder it's unpleasant.

This is a tough one. It's a real struggle to not let the vitriol spill over. I endeavor never to say things like 'you people', even when I feel it because, obviously, the CS rep didn't design the phone hell. Usually, I sympathize with 'wow, you must get a lot of angry people who have to deal with x. This clearly isn't about you, BUT I am really angry and I need help.' It's amazing how often that works.

What would have been better than the proverbial cookie? Except for a rating system where you get monetary increases or bonuses, is there anything else that would reduce the suck?

Well, money's always welcome.

See, the thing is...the year-end bonus/raise system was janked all to hell anyway. Your bonus (when I worked there) was a max of $250.00. Which, hey...$250.00. Okay.

But that was assuming an absolutely perfect year. No absences, absolute adherence to your work schedule (this being a call center this was closely monitored...you had not only scheduled lunches but scheduled breaks...e.g., you can go smoke a cigarette at 7:45 am and 2:15 pm. Your cubicle mate would have different break times to maximize phone coverage and minimize fraternization or fun), 100% perfect Quality Assurance scores (they would randomly sample x number of calls a week and grade them. There were certain "beats" you had to hit every single time and certain phrases or words you should use or COULD NOT use), average call time, average "after call work" time...many parameters. NOBODY got a full bonus EVER.

This same system was used to figure out your (max 3%) raise. My first end-of-year there I got the full 3% because I achieved a score in the high 90s, but my bonus was a) pro-rated because I hadn't yet been there a full year and b) janked even further by my failure to achieve ABSOLUTE 100% PERFECTION.

So the occasional "atta boys" or "best thing since the opposable thumb" calls should have, in my opinion, counted to up your overall score. THAT's incentive.

Or, if you don't have to deal with a draconian system like Variable Annuity company had, a straight "$5 per 'atta-rep'" bonus would also rock, either monthly or yearly.

But that was assuming an absolutely perfect year. No absences, absolute adherence to your work schedule (this being a call center this was closely monitored...you had not only scheduled lunches but scheduled breaks...e.g., you can go smoke a cigarette at 7:45 am and 2:15 pm. Your cubicle mate would have different break times to maximize phone coverage and minimize fraternization or fun), 100% perfect Quality Assurance scores (they would randomly sample x number of calls a week and grade them. There were certain "beats" you had to hit every single time and certain phrases or words you should use or COULD NOT use), average call time, average "after call work" time...many parameters. NOBODY got a full bonus EVER.

Oh good lord. Well, there you go. That is a perfect illustration of a) HELL and b) your earlier comment that customer satisfaction is not the point. Any 'incentive' system that measures on such a granular level and does not consistently take into account more positive than negative indicators is clearly based on keeping the rats cost-effective, period.

I like the $5 atta-boy idea. That is actually cost effective in terms of customer retention and good word of mouth, right?

Ugh. Here lies my rationale for doing what I do rather than working in the corporate world. It just makes no sense to me.

Ugh. Here lies my rationale for doing what I do rather than working in the corporate world. It just makes no sense to me.

The corporate world makes no sense to anybody. The Joker would look at corporate life and say "Wow, see, that's crazy."

It's a push-me-pull-you thing. Companies want the customers, or at least the customers' money, but they don't want to give them anything. Corporations only begrudgingly give the stuff they want to sell. In a perfect corporate world, people would just line up to hand executives cash without taking anything away, and the workers would slave away for nothing.

So they try to attract customers by saying "Our product is the bee's knees and, furthermore, if it's not the bee's knees our talented, dedicated, happy-to-serve-you Customer Service staff will bee-kneeify it for you!" But when it comes time to bee-kneeify it, the CS rep who takes your call is probably under-trained, frustrated and has no incentive whatsoever to give forth with knees for any insect, flying or otherwise. And even if they did desire to kneeify your bee, they probably aren't allowed to...that would cost honey. I mean, money.

So they try to trick not only the customer, but the CS rep: "What you do is worthwhile. But we don't respect you enough to give you any solid reward or encouragement for doing it particularly well. Also, any attempt to give actual help will be frowned upon and you may be sanctioned. Now let them hear the smile in your voice when you pick up the phone or we will fire you and you will starve and die. And say 'Have a nice day' they like that."

Suzi, what time on Friday?

Not sure exactly. We are going to have Persian food, (right near a BART station) and then head over. It will be afterwork-ish, likely 6 or 7 for dinner.

Marvel Jem, to be precise. Parents aren't comics fans.

That’s truly outrageous, then.

But 99 times out of 100 that never occurs to a customer to do.

Yes, that’s true. I am the 1. I think that if I am going to jack you up for being rude to me or particularly unhelpful, then I have to compliment you when you do an outstanding job.

I am ALWAYS polite to CS reps, even when I am livid, for two reasons: 1-you catch more flies with honey. 2- if you are rude, it gives them an excuse not to help you. If you are nothing but polite and accommodating to reasonable requests, they have no excuse.

So they try to attract customers by saying "Our product is the bee's knees and, furthermore, if it's not the bee's knees our talented, dedicated, happy-to-serve-you Customer Service staff will bee-kneeify it for you!" But when it comes time to bee-kneeify it, the CS rep who takes your call is probably under-trained, frustrated and has no incentive whatsoever to give forth with knees for any insect, flying or otherwise. And even if they did desire to kneeify your bee, they probably aren't allowed to...that would cost honey. I mean, money.

This is my new favorite phraseology ever and I'd say so even if you weren't my husband, but some guy who lived with me.

I am the 1. I think that if I am going to jack you up for being rude to me or particularly unhelpful, then I have to compliment you when you do an outstanding job.

That's my sister. Going anywhere with her is a risky proposition, since I may have to defuse her bombs, but she's also the type that will fill out customer appreciation cards and buy food and a card for a nice and effective nurse.

2- if you are rude, it gives them an excuse not to help you. If you are nothing but polite and accommodating to reasonable requests, they have no excuse.

This is absolutely right. Furthermore, being polite and civil will make us want to help you.

I dealt with it...and still deal with it...all the time. If you have a legitimate gripe and are courteous, you can be as insistent as you want, make the call as long as you want...I'll do my damnedest to help you and will even sympathize.

But you turn rude...or worse, start off rude...chances are I will do absolutely nothing. Just ride out the call until you get tired or frustrated enough to hang up. Yea me. I win. You? Don't.

Witness yesterday's post. A woman just wanted to rant at me. She was indescribably rude (but smart enough not to cross the line that would let me hang up on her.) So while she yammered, I applied for another job online. I was no help whatsoever. I would feel bad, but a) Fuck her. and b) I actually couldn't help her anyway. It was about something nobody here has any control over.

If she'd been nice about it, well...like I said, I couldn't actually help her, but we'd at least have both come away with a more positive experience.