I have eaten lunch without spilling it all over myself. Now I need to spend the next 90 minutes in quiet contemplation of why I am awesome and people should hire me. Or at the very least, remaining calm.

Shrift, don't forget to compile your turn-ons and turn-offs.

Now I need to spend the next 90 minutes in quiet contemplation of why I am awesome and people should hire me.

And remember: gay men, not good. Lesbians, good, as long as there are no men around to provide better options.

I remember seeing a porn flick back in the mid-80s that was a pretty funny spoof on Dallas in addition to lots of sex on screen.

It wasn't called "Ballass" was it?

That was the movie that had my entire family gathered around cracking up and MST3K'ing it, including my mom.

The family that plays together...

Seriously, though, the thought of watching porn with ANY member of my family...there are no words for the level of disturbing I feel (squick not being quite the right one - maybe it will have to do).

If we weren't laughing at it, it would have been very disturbing, but since we were mocking it, it was like watching a really bad film. My brother had the remote and was fast-forwarding through all the sex stuff, which made it even funnier.

Cow Falls Off Cliff and Hits Van

Charles and Linda Everson were driving back to their hotel when their minivan was struck by a falling object — a 600-pound cow. The Eversons were unhurt but the cow, which had fallen off a cliff, had to be euthanized.

The year-old cow fell about 200 feet from the cliff and landed on the hood of the couple's minivan, causing heavy damage.

A Chelan County fire chief, Arnold Baker, said the couple missed being killed by a matter of inches in the accident Sunday on a highway near Manson.

The Eversons, visiting the area from their home in Westland, Mich., to celebrate their first wedding anniversary, were checked at Lake Chelan Community Hospital as a precaution.

Everson, 49, said he didn't see the cow falling and didn't know what happened until afterward.

He said he kept repeating: "I don't believe this. I don't believe this."

Michael Cera Must Not Become The Next Zach Braff

Lesbians, good, as long as there are no men around to provide better options.

Right, right. I shall to do a mental bunny dip.

What we learn from the dying

A doctor shares what his patients’ last moments have taught him

Very moving and thoughtful article.

And remember: gay men, not good. Lesbians, good, as long as there are no men around to provide better options.

See, once she's in the job I'm totally counting on her to have the models' profiles updated to list men playing guitar, wearing eyeliner, and making out with each other as turn-ons.