I feel like barfing, even talking about this.

I can imagine. But maybe talking about it (once you move past barfy stage) will help in working it through. Because there's the painful situation, and then there's the shame about it happening. I think even lessening the shame aspect may help a little.

Tep, you have *nothing* to be ashamed about. He does- and I'm sure you've talked it through and all that. But the question was totally inapprorpiate and I'm sorry about the anxiety it's created for you.

I mean, god, I can't even imagine how I'd react if Tom said something like that. I'd die. I remember once I patted my stomach and said something about a "Buddha belly" and he teased me about a "butter belly," which kind of hurt in the moment. He felt horrible and shaved the goatee he'd been growing because he felt it made him "evil."

But it sucks. There's always something stupid that comes up in every relationship, and it sucks it was about weight, the one thing that is SO sensitive and loaded.

My romantic "dilemna" is that my town is too fucking small. So, this super cute guy who works at my local overpriced gourmet market who has been flirting with me for a couple of months gave me his number when I was in there last Sunday. I knew that he'd been roommates of a friend and I was talking to a mutual friend of that friend last night who told me the ex-roomate says the grocery store dude is a total stoner weirdo who gets freakishly excited about, of all things, Jeopardy. He never seemed like the brightest bulb on the tree but way to shatter any romantic notions I may have had.

It's making me kind of sad today.

I mean, god, I can't even imagine how I'd react if Tom said something like that. I'd die.

I pretty much wanted to.

But it sucks. There's always something stupid that comes up in every relationship, and it sucks it was about weight, the one thing that is SO sensitive and loaded.

Seriously. He could call me ugly, he could call me stupid, he could call me a bitch, and yes, I'd be pissed, but we'd fight and then I'd deal.

But I don't know how to protect my (big fat) soft underbelly on this one. It's everything my mom said to me for my entire childhood, come home to roost.

the ex-roomate says the grocery store dude is a total stoner weirdo who gets freakishly excited about, of all things, Jeopardy.

don't let this color your opinion. the ex roomate could be pissed at him for not taking out the trash or something stupid like that and badmouthing him.(hell, I still badmouth my college first year roommate). Flirt with the guy, go out for a drink, what's the harm.

You could, you know, play the Weird Al song "I Lost on Jeopardy" for him and see if he freaks out.

Just because it'd be funny....

I don't think guys (or some guys) understand the huge amount of baggage that comes with that issue. There's so much cultural crap wrapped up in it that it's almost impossible to unpack.

Yes, this. And, speaking as an overweight woman married to an overweight man, I've been on both sides of this issue. You care about them, and you see scary family histories and/or early warning signs of problems (my DH's father died suddenly of heart failure at 47, I already have slightly elevated bp and cholesterol coupled with a family history of heart disease, stroke, and colon cancer, etc.). So you want to say, "Look, take care of yourself, I want to have a 50th anniversary with you." But weight issues being what they are, it's hard to say that without sounding like, "You were so much hotter ten years ago when we first met," or "It'd sure be nice if you were built more like Sean Bean/Stephen Colbert/Ichiro Suzuki or Natalie Portman/Jenna Fischer." We've worked it out, mostly, but we've been together since 1997. It took awhile, with some fights, tears, and sulking along the way.

He felt horrible and shaved the goatee he'd been growing because he felt it made him "evil."

Is it really inappropriate that this sentence is making me giggle a lot, despite the seriousness of our current conversation?

In school news, today is student-led conference day. My morning started with the parents showing up without the student (don't even get me started...long story). The second conference (or really the first, given the lack of student for the actual first) went well, but now the third student/parents are already ten twenty minutes late. To a thirty minute conference.

Also, I have to deal with a advisee who, despite doing well in all of her classes, is suddenly demanding bi-weekly progress reports in all of her classes (which goes against school policy--the students are always welcome to request a progress report, but we don't do an automatic paper-waste like that). Argh.

Thanks, Vortex. I know this is the logical response. Totally. And it's not like the roommate is a stellar citizen or anything.

It was just disheartening. Made me feel like a normal, eligible dude couldn't possibly be interested in me. wah wah wah

Teppy, that kind of question comes up with me and Hubby frequently. He *knows* the question upsets me, but to his mind his concern over my health--which is demonstrably not good and definitely weight related--trumps my desire not to be treated like an idiot who doesn't know about the health issues. He becomes consumed with worry, and he lacks the primitive tact not to bring it up because he's a guy and *must do something*.

You will not change this about him. I've been trying for twenty years to convince Hubby that some things shouldn't be brought up, but it won't stick to his brain. You can only decide if the rest of him is worth it. The growing/compromise/acceptance thing sucks great big stinky donkey balls, but there it is.

Just because it'd be funny....

bwah! After my one bandmate told the stoner jeopardy story my other bandmates were like YOU MUST GO OUT WITH HIM. so I could bring funny stories back for them. It's all about the entertaining. Nevermind my poor heart.