So even though I am still confused, I think I know why I am not poly. Love, for me, takes time. And I am not naturally very open. But once I am in love - it is pretty much 100%. I have to be careful to remember to separate myself from the other person. I my DH is in a bad mood or grumpy or overtired, I have to remember, that although I am concerned or worried or sympathetic , I am not in the same mood. Or let his mood change mood. Being open to too many people - might drive me over the edge.

does this mean that you only want to be in relationships with more than one person? Like, if you were in a relationship with just one person it would feel as wrong to you as, say, a gay person being in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex?

I'm sure there are people for whom it feels wrong to be in a relationship with only one person, but my guess is that, for most poly people, what that simply means is that they're *open* to developing a secondary romantic relationship if such an opportunity presents itself.

t edit I'm really uncomfortably posting about this, because I'm not poly at all, but the kinky world has a lot of crossover with the poly world, so I know a lot of poly people and I've learned a good deal about it (so as not to put my foot in my mouth with a really poorly thought-out joke in social situations [which I have done in the past]).

I'm just posting because people seem to have questions, and I hate for there to be misconceptions out there, and, well, I can never seem to shut the fuck up, even when I should.

Poly doesn't mean spouse-approved fucking around. That, more or less, is swinging.

I think you're reading more into what I'm saying than I am. I was the one who said no one had to be fucking.

Can the different relationships be equal? As in, neither Bob nor Jim is primary?

I think you're reading more into what I'm saying than I am. I was the one who said no one had to be fucking.

Ooops -- I was answering Stephanie's question about is an "open marriage" a poly situation. I wasn't addressing anything you said (or, at least, I didn't mean to be).

t edit I was implying, I suppose, that "open marriage" is a really vague term and seems to be code for "we can fuck around with whoever we want," rather than being actual polyamory.

Can the different relationships be equal? As in, neither Bob nor Jim is primary?

Probably. I don't know any poly people whose relationships are structured that way, but I'm sure it happens.

FWIW, most of the poly couples I've known have referred to themselves fairly interchangeably as "being poly" and "having an open marriage/relationship." Doesn't mean it's true for everyone, but IME "open marriage" is more likely to mean poly than swingers.

I was implying, I suppose, that "open marriage" is a really vague term and seems to be code for "we can fuck around with whoever we want," rather than being actual polyamory.

I can see an open marriage being polyamory as I understand it. I can see people who have been together for a long time wanting new relationships.

Or you know, whatever. I figure adults should have whatever configuration suits them as long as everybody's chill with it and no one is being exploited.

IME "open marriage" is more likely to mean poly than swingers.

The poly folk I know don't use that phrase, but that (obviously) doesn't mean they're representative of the National Coalition of Poly Folk.

My experience is obviously only anecdotal, and I tend to come off as a great big blowhard with the Final Word about everything, and that is so very NOT true here.

Take everything I say with an enormous grain of salt.

I was implying, I suppose, that "open marriage" is a really vague term and seems to be code for "we can fuck around with whoever we want," rather than being actual polyamory.

Sorry for the vague term. I was thinking specifically about BitchPhd (whose URL is basically that) who has, what she calls, I think, an open marriage. From what I can tell, she has her husband, and at least one boyfriend whom she visits periodically. I've always thought of her and her husband as polyamorous, because in theory, they are both open to the other having relationships outside their primary one.

What confused me is that I don't think her husband is ever invovled with any of her boyfriends (as she calls them) and I don't think they ever even really have much contact with him.

So, what I was trying to figure out was whether poly means a "group" or whether it means each primary partner has secondary relationships.

But it sounds like it is a very encompassing term.

eta: and the conversation moved while I was typing. nevermind...

So, what I was trying to figure out was whether poly means a "group" or whether it means each primary partner has secondary relationships.

It can be either. I know that much. (I think.)

An excellent book on this topic is The Ethical Slut, by, I think, Dossie Easton. It's really very good. Non-fiction.

Or you know, whatever. I figure adults should have whatever configuration suits them as long as everybody's chill with it and no one is being exploited.

I don't want to speak for laga in terms of what being poly means to her, but I do know her very well and can say that she truly 100% loves the people she loves--she just falls in love with more than one person at once. She is scrupulously honest with her partners and is one of the most generous souls I know. (Not that anyone is implying otherwise. Just wanted to say that about her.)