I'm keeping him on my "run over with a garbage truck if at all possible" list.

Oooh. Speaking of which, I got a text message from L who went to court today to prove up the divorce:

"Goodbyyyyyyyyyyyye Earl!"

We're toasting with champagne-me and 2 of her other girlfriends-tonight!

Oh, JZ. Lemme share: I checked into the site I met him at, where I hadn't checked my messages in about 7 months. I had a message from him, about 3 or 4 months after I'd last heard from him:

TMI whitefont: "Every time I jack off, I think of how much I loved fucking you."

I read that and CRINGED. Like, oh God, you didn't think that writing this to me would be a good thing, did you?

EWewew worldofEW. I am All About Blunt, but a girl likes a leetle...veiling, yes?

Erin, he sure is a romantic, isn't he?

Gnnnnarg.

I once had a guy tell me he'd been thinking of me while doing some other chick. That's a compliment? Really?

EW EW EW. He is deeply unworthy.

I am All About Blunt, but a girl likes a leetle...veiling, yes?

Veiling or build-up or some damn thing. That was seriously it? That's what he had to say for himself after vanishing from the face of the earth? Un. Worthy.

And for some reason I'm now thinking about the long-ago boyfriend who one night long, long ago was lying in bed with me, smiling into my eyes and petting my hair and kissing my forehead, until finally his eyes got misty and he looked so romantical and man-swoony and filled with longing that I said, "What are you thinking, dear?"

"Oh," he said dreamily, "I was just thinking about how much I'd like to have anal sex with you."

(eta: Not that anal sex is so awful - or even, at this point, remotely noteworthy - but something about his extreme pining-Austen-hero mien and the actual words "anal sex" kicked me right into a burst of unfortunate laughter. Which apparently men aren't so fond of in bed.)

ION, DJ, that's fantastic news! I'm sorry he's been such a monumentally horrifying, creepy, manipulative stalkerish asshole, but so very glad that the divorce came through so quickly and she's FREE. Champagne, prosecco, Fernet, and all things glowy and joy-bestowing!

Daisy, that's fantastic news. Tell her all the axe murderers on the internet are toasting her!

DUDE. Why boats, though? Why not toy helicopters?

Gotta have something to do with bathtime.

Daisy! SWEET! Yay for L!

"Oh," he said dreamily, "I was just thinking about how much I'd like to have anal sex with you."

(eta: Not that anal sex is so awful - or even, at this point, remotely noteworthy - but something about his extreme pining-Austen-hero mien and the actual words "anal sex" kicked me right into a burst of unfortunate laughter. Which apparently men aren't so fond of in bed.)

Oh. My. God. I've had that exact experience!! If I didn't think it was completely impossible for it to be the same guy...but no. I'm going to guess that we are not unique in this. But yeah. Exact same sitch, laughter included.

Oh, HAH!

Proof #3791 on When A Woman Asks A Man "What Are You Thinking?" She Really Doesn't Want To Know.

Proof #3791 on When A Woman Asks A Man "What Are You Thinking?" She Really Doesn't Want To Know.

I have learned this universal lesson...finally. Or at least to know that, whatever the answer, I asked for it!