A thread to discuss naming threads, board policy, new thread suggestions, and anything else that has to do with board administration and maintenance. Guaranteed to include lively debate and polls. Natter discouraged, but not deleted.
Current Stompy Feet: Jon B, P.M. Marcontell, Liese S., amych, msbelle, shrift, Dana, Laura
Stompy Emerita: ita, DXMachina
I think you have the right of it there, Glam. Beyond that, knowing the components of an apology vs. a defense of self or intention is key, as demonstrated in your examples.
Because I think it's relevant to this discussion: To be slightly humiliatingly honest, this a lesson I have only learned with varying degrees of success within the last few years and due mostly to my DP pointing out more than once that, while he believes I intended no harm, to say something like, "I'm sorry you thought I was being dismissive," is not actually an apology, is, in and of itself dismissive, and also invalidates his feelings. I might as well have appended, "...because I wasn't being dismissive, so you're wrong for thinking I was, and it hurts my feelings that you think I was, so, actually, you ow ME an apology."
I... probably did actually say similar more than once, before the whole concept clicked for me. Yeah. It's not a good look, and I cringe in retrospect.
In terms of how to apologize, I'd like to share this video again because it's so wonderfully informative without shaming and Franchesca Ramsey even provides her own example of being called out and how she went from defensiveness to a place of growth. I refer to it all the time - it's fab. [link]
And thank you JenP for your example and how folks switch up the transgression so that they are the victim and are owed an apology. That is not how it works.
Glam, thanks for sharing that video - I'm going to pass that onto my colleague who runs our monthly D&I conversation series and see if we can work it into an upcoming session.
That's a great video, Glamcookie. Thanks for sharing that.
I also appreciate the work that you--and others--are doing here.
Should I close Lightbulbs?
I hesitate to say this, and I don't think it would ever be a problem, but I think Laura's an admin. Should we change that?
I've been hesitant to add anything to the conversation because I'm in a pretty asynchronous time zone, often on mobile, and, well, there's a lot of talking already happening.
If it would be helpful for me to add my "commentary" about my post, I can, but I'll otherwise let people more in a position to participate participate.
I initially skimmed/misread some things amongst the flurry of posts and deleting, and now understand a bit more what happened. I'm a bit confused where we've landed, though. I hate to have people feel like leaving is the best option.
