Then I was told I couldn't make anyone behave that way, which made sense, but left me with several more years of frustration over whether or not my models of behavior were wrong and maybe I should just accept others for who they are and then something happened that made me go "Sure. I can't demand that you don't knowingly hurt me, but I have the right to want someone who won't."

Sing it sister!

I can't demand that you don't knowingly hurt me, but I have the right to want someone who won't."

Why can't you demand it? If it's a friend, can't you say to them, "What you did here upset me, why did you do that?" If you get lies or waved off or told "You're just too sensitive" then you can say, "You're right, I'm too sensitive to have to deal with this." Some people don't do things knowingly, some people are just drifting along in status quo land and didn't realize the quo hasn't been under the status for a long time.

Everyone has great advice.

YAY for vw getting into the tutoring thing.

And in carroty news - I just realized that the guy might be up here tomorrow for a meeting, and I got excited for a chance to see him but then I realized that I have to leave for a doctor's appointment and so I may not see him. I'm hoping for a chance to give him my cell number since I totally blanked on doing that yesterday.

My dr's appointment is a physical I have to have for the surgery for my teeth , I'm hoping that the appointment will go quickly and I can come back to work but I have a feeling I'm going to have to wait for a long time and then it won't make any sense for me to come all the way back to work.

Why can't you demand it? If it's a friend, can't you say to them, "What you did here upset me, why did you do that?" If you get lies or waved off or told "You're just too sensitive" then you can say, "You're right, I'm too sensitive to have to deal with this." Some people don't do things knowingly, some people are just drifting along in status quo land and didn't realize the quo hasn't been under the status for a long time.

You absolutely can tell them what you need, but if they don't follow through on that there's no way of making them. They may be careless or cruel or maybe they think you're just wrong.

For example: (non-true story) Mr. Jane never calls me during the day or on his breaks which is important to me because I need to be reminded often that my husband loves me. I say to Mr. Jane, "Hey I really need someone who acknowledges his love for me often, like by calling me during the day and stuff." Mr. Jane doesn't comply, or maybe he tries it at first but isn't really into it, in fact, he feels forced and it's actually making him appreciate me less. I have two choices, come to deal with the fact that he's not going to give me what I need or find someone else who will. I can't and shouldn't try to make him make those phone calls.

I can't and shouldn't try to make him make those phone calls.

Ah, true. You can make the demand but you can't force the other person to change, so then you get to decide if the change you'd like is a dealbreaker or not. Bless you, Daisy, for not being on the warpath of "I can change him!" I see too many miserable men who didn't realize they had been married off the fixer-upper aisle.

Daisy just described the process I went through before finally ending things with Fela. The great thing about that process is that there is no blame involved. I can ask for something, but I can't expect that thing. If it isn't possible, it isn't possible. There is no fault, just choice.

Men are not fixer-uppers - they're pretty much as-is.

Some people don't do things knowingly, some people are just drifting along in status quo land and didn't realize the quo hasn't been under the status for a long time.

I think I need to embroider this and then pull it out every time my not!ex calls me.

Also, wrod.

I don't completely blame those women, because there's the myth out there of the civilizing influence of the womenfolk. It's not one I'm prone to. I'm more prone to be overly permissive for fear of being seen as a nag or castrating bitch or not one of the boys. It's something I'm still prone to even though I know I have a right to want what I want even if I don't have the right to actually get it.

{{Stephanie}}

Interesting news, vw, about the tutoring thing. Hope you do get a chance to ask your questions and get satisfying answers.

Southernisms are the best. If you can't say something nice or profound make up a confusing metaphor!- as my grandmother used to say.

That coon hound don't fly.