Yay askye with the lovely attention. Whee! Feel free to squee.

She hasn't been up here since Thanksgiving. I've been down that way a couple of times but didn't even see her the weekend of the other parents' party.

And I really had to think about that because lots of other people have been here in the meantime.

I suspect she intends to come up for a few days, usually less than a whole week, every three months or so. Which dovetails nicely enough with the need to seriously clean the whole place every so often.

Which dovetails nicely enough with the need to seriously clean the whole place every so often.

Ah, the Mom clean. I know it well.

randomness:

I just went shopping at the SOMA Whole Foods with a co-worker, and we ended up doing a conga line through the Health & Beauty section to "Copacabana". We managed to get a few fellow shoppers to join in, too. I love this city.

but this co-dependant, need to control stuff is coming from her end.

She needs to bail you out, even if you don't need her to.

SA, I have a good friend who's gone through exactly what you're going through (only without the year abroad.) My friend, M's father was an alcoholic who was abusive to her mother. M's mom went above and beyond escaping that situation, building a life and raising her daughter by herself. She sacrificed and gave M everything she could, paying for school, a car, etc. M went on to graduate school to get her doctorate in psychology. She then went on to work for the VA. M is working with severely schizophrenic patients and doing a lot of good but until recently, wasn't making more than enough to survive. Her mother was there as a safety net in case M needed help financially. But Mom used this as a method to control M, too. And she did it often times unnecessarily--she would poke through M's checkbook when M came home for a visit, freak out about her Visa balance, etc. And this was when M had reached 33 years old.

It took a lot of therapy on M's side to learn to handle her mother because her mother was coping with her issues THROUGH M. It was really hard to separate the love from the issues.

End result is that M eventually detangled her mother from her financial affairs and it greatly improved their relationship. I know you're doing what's easiest for you right now, but maybe you can find someone you trust enough but doesn't have such an emotionally vested interest in handling your finances for you. That way your mom can learn to help you when you ask for it, rather than trying to anticipate it. She's creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by assuming you need help and rushing to do it when you're perfectly happy dealing with the consequences yourself.

Ultimately, financial independence isn't just a good idea for your relationships with your parents. It is your independence.

I love your city too, juliana.

Ah, the Mom clean. I know it well.

When I was wee my mom's best friend's mother in law was Shirley. And Shirley was the white gloves checking for dust kind of mother in law. Thus she became a verb.

Actually texted mom that, "It's a good thing that I am not the person who realizes the day before her mother comes that this place is a mess. Nope. Not me. No way."

Her response, "Could be worse. Could be Shirley."

So I have to Shirley the house. Well, mostly Shirley. I am not dusting the ceiling fan or anything. Just, you know, cleaning.

I love your city too, juliana.

Me three!

End result is that M eventually detangled her mother from her financial affairs and it greatly improved their relationship. I know you're doing what's easiest for you right now, but maybe you can find someone you trust enough but doesn't have such an emotionally vested interest in handling your finances for you. That way your mom can learn to help you when you ask for it, rather than trying to anticipate it. She's creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by assuming you need help and rushing to do it when you're perfectly happy dealing with the consequences yourself.

Oh, Cash, that is exactly the story I needed to hear. Thank you.

God, of all the problems I thought I'd have with my parents, this wasn't one of them. Financial independence ahoy. Only two more months of struggle.

You are all amazing. Thank you for your words, stories, and support. They are invaluable to me.

go team askye!

SA, everyone already offered great suggestions, so all I can offer is my total support. Which you have.