Which dovetails nicely enough with the need to seriously clean the whole place every so often.

Ah, the Mom clean. I know it well.

randomness:

I just went shopping at the SOMA Whole Foods with a co-worker, and we ended up doing a conga line through the Health & Beauty section to "Copacabana". We managed to get a few fellow shoppers to join in, too. I love this city.

but this co-dependant, need to control stuff is coming from her end.

She needs to bail you out, even if you don't need her to.

SA, I have a good friend who's gone through exactly what you're going through (only without the year abroad.) My friend, M's father was an alcoholic who was abusive to her mother. M's mom went above and beyond escaping that situation, building a life and raising her daughter by herself. She sacrificed and gave M everything she could, paying for school, a car, etc. M went on to graduate school to get her doctorate in psychology. She then went on to work for the VA. M is working with severely schizophrenic patients and doing a lot of good but until recently, wasn't making more than enough to survive. Her mother was there as a safety net in case M needed help financially. But Mom used this as a method to control M, too. And she did it often times unnecessarily--she would poke through M's checkbook when M came home for a visit, freak out about her Visa balance, etc. And this was when M had reached 33 years old.

It took a lot of therapy on M's side to learn to handle her mother because her mother was coping with her issues THROUGH M. It was really hard to separate the love from the issues.

End result is that M eventually detangled her mother from her financial affairs and it greatly improved their relationship. I know you're doing what's easiest for you right now, but maybe you can find someone you trust enough but doesn't have such an emotionally vested interest in handling your finances for you. That way your mom can learn to help you when you ask for it, rather than trying to anticipate it. She's creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by assuming you need help and rushing to do it when you're perfectly happy dealing with the consequences yourself.

Ultimately, financial independence isn't just a good idea for your relationships with your parents. It is your independence.

I love your city too, juliana.

Ah, the Mom clean. I know it well.

When I was wee my mom's best friend's mother in law was Shirley. And Shirley was the white gloves checking for dust kind of mother in law. Thus she became a verb.

Actually texted mom that, "It's a good thing that I am not the person who realizes the day before her mother comes that this place is a mess. Nope. Not me. No way."

Her response, "Could be worse. Could be Shirley."

So I have to Shirley the house. Well, mostly Shirley. I am not dusting the ceiling fan or anything. Just, you know, cleaning.

I love your city too, juliana.

Me three!

End result is that M eventually detangled her mother from her financial affairs and it greatly improved their relationship. I know you're doing what's easiest for you right now, but maybe you can find someone you trust enough but doesn't have such an emotionally vested interest in handling your finances for you. That way your mom can learn to help you when you ask for it, rather than trying to anticipate it. She's creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by assuming you need help and rushing to do it when you're perfectly happy dealing with the consequences yourself.

Oh, Cash, that is exactly the story I needed to hear. Thank you.

God, of all the problems I thought I'd have with my parents, this wasn't one of them. Financial independence ahoy. Only two more months of struggle.

You are all amazing. Thank you for your words, stories, and support. They are invaluable to me.

go team askye!

SA, everyone already offered great suggestions, so all I can offer is my total support. Which you have.

askye, SO fun! I'm jealous. Keep sharing!

SA, ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I worked really hard to get my parents out of my finances and fix them on my own, and I'm terrified of getting them involved again--which I'm doing right now, as dad is co-signing the loan that pays my rent. BUT, we have a contract and stuff, and he's only on that account, not my bank account or anything, and all the mail comes to me, yada, yada, yada.

So, anyways, my point is, I get it, and I'm terrified of it, and I think that people have offered great advice. Just offering support. You know...the lurkers support you in e-mail or something.

ImememeN, what a busy day. Nice, but busy. And I should try to get a little more school work done before Gilmore Girls, but I'm just not sure it's gonna happen. I'm exhausted.

Poptarts:

Oh, how I wish I had a video camera!

I have a bunch of windows open in the apartment. Someone outside is BBQing. Toto is running between windows with his nose up in the air, sniffing into the air, trying to figure out where the smell is so he can get some BBQ. Every once in a while, he'll walk through each room sniffing, like he's making sure he's not missing checking somewhere. This is freaking hysterical.

I think for some people, it's difficult to develop the self-esteem to find true financial independence appealing. There is the tendancy to think, "hey, my parents are there if I really get into trouble and can bail me out" that is sort of comforting when you're setting out on your own.

I had to fight the feelings of resentment that came from knowing my parents were too overtaxed helping my sister with the husband and three kids, not to mention my brother, financially to ever be able to offer the same support to me if I was ever in a bind. But it made me sort things out for myself early on.

With my friend M, she honestly felt that it was an acceptable trade off ceding some of her independence for that sense of financial security. Until it became too intrusive and controlling.