::deep breath:: This is not my crazy. This is not my crazy.
The thing is, I think I'm a pretty normal human, overall. I had a good upbringing, graat parents, a stellar education, and now I'm doing cool stuff. My mom? Has self-esteem issues you could paint a wall with. She keeps talking about codependency, and I don't think she realistically sees that I would walk away from her financially in a heartbeat. I did it once in college, when it *really* hurt (financially) to do so, because of her crazy, which resulted in an eight-month silence on my part and absolutely no financial assistance on her part (remember that summer I was in Chicago? That was then). And I survived. Hell, I did better than survive, I had a nice little life going for myself.
This summer I will get a PO Box for my mail. And take her off the account. I'd do it now, but apparently you have to do it while present. I misplaced the trust I put in both her and myself, thinking that she would somehow do what I asked of her and not what she thought was right. Which is the definition of a parent. When you're a minor. It doesn't work so well when you're in your twenties.
If you have chronic issues with your parents, it might be appropriate to get some help in dealing with them
This is pretty much the only problem I have with them. And I do think it's controllable. It's just extremely frustrating, because I can't even begin to comprehend how her brain goes from "well, then you don't need to deal with my account or read my mail, then," to "NO YOU NEED ME TO HELP YOU." Somehow I didn't think it was a difficult challenge for a grown woman to not read my mail when I ask her to. Apparently I was wrong.
It's problematic that I'm a foreign resident, though. There's not too many people I can really burden with hanging on to my mail, and I have to keep a permanent address in the states. I don't think this would have been an issue--or at least not the same issue--had I stayed in the States instead.
BTW, I think you are doing a great job living your life SA.
Right!?! A lot of people I know (me included) would love to be wooed by Cardiff and York, the rakes!
However, the current weather is very nice, and I think you should go enjoy it.
I wish. Book's due on Friday.
SA, along with the other good advice you're getting here I'll note that you're also bumping into a common argument among married/committed partners. Which is that people have widely varying symbolic values for money, and it often serves as the focal point of their anxieties.
(In a way it's very Shakespeare with his inquiries into the notion of "value" in Merchant of Venice and Shylock's "my daughter! My ducats!")
Anyway, the classic divide is between people who see money as security versus people who see money as freedom. Some of that is in play here, but I think it's also getting loaded up with a lot of emotional baggage that your mom is bringing to the discussion.
people who see money as freedom.
Damn. Mel Gibson just ran through my brain in a kilt and blue paint, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!!"
I think I need a wee coffee break.
You get Mel Gibson, I get George Michael.
I think we both need more coffee.
SA, I'm sorry you're going through this. The best way to deal with it is to get her out of your financial life, which you'll be doing as soon as you can. Until then, take it easy.
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I'm not seeing where it's you. It's your mom. It's a control thing, and I don't even mean that in a bad way, like, "SHE'S TRYING TO CONTROL YOU.' What I mean is that you are very far away. That's worrisome for a parent. The only way she can keep you "safe" is by taking care of your money issues, so she is.
Damn. Mel Gibson just ran through my brain in a kilt and blue paint, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!!"
You can take our checkbook, but you can't take our FREEEDOOOOM!!!!
Anyway, the classic divide is between people who see money as security versus people who see money as freedom. Some of that is in play here, but I think it's also getting loaded up with a lot of emotional baggage that your mom is bringing to the discussion.
This. A lot of this. For my mom, she wants the securirty and stability money can bring. Financing a house. Maintaining a house. She has sacrificed a lot in her life for the people she loves, not purchasing things she wanted in order to buy something for my siblings and myself. She equits sacrifice for greater things, the big life things with the right way to use money.
I've never seen it that way. Granted, I think that's due somewhat to my age--stability isn't even on my radar right now, which freaks her and my dad out a lot. It's freedom--freedom to have a cup of coffee at the cafe I like, freedom to book a weekend trip somewhere I've never been, freedom to, er, buy a hamster. (Which I did this weekend. Pictures forthcoming.) I risk future stability for present freedom/pleasure, and I know that, and I know that it's a risk. But it's a risk I'm willing to take right now. I'm kind of lousy with future, so I figure it's worth it, and I also figure it's temporary in a very real way. If I'm still overdrafting in ten years, then it's a problem. Right now it's an inconvenience.
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I'm not seeing where it's you. It's your mom. It's a control thing, and I don't even mean that in a bad way, like, "SHE'S TRYING TO CONTROL YOU.' What I mean is that you are very far away. That's worrisome for a parent. The only way she can keep you "safe" is by taking care of your money issues, so she is.
That is very reassuring, Cindy. Thanks. And it's true. She can't let go of the mother thing, and it doesn't help that I'm her first kid, I don't think. She has a lot of trouble letting go of me, which is ironic, since I continually go so far away.
smonster, I got your email. Responding once dinner is done fixin'.
Also, I didn't mean to disparage Al-Anon, if I did upthread. I respect the stability and help that it gave my mom. But equating her life with mine sets me off, a lot, and equating my life choices with John's is something of a hot button. A mostly dormant hot button. I was frustrated, and that came out poorly. But jesus, I already spent three years in therapy. And I have the buffistas. Her need for Al-Anon doesn't translate to my need for Al-Anon, and I don't think she gets that.
