I know that the word "toddler" comes from the Latin Toddlus Horribilus. I know that most 2 year olds change their mind on a whim, depending on how what they have compares to what they want.

Still doesn't stop me from wanting to just scream and have my own tantrum sometimes.

Scene: Breakfast Room - Chez Miracleborn (Note: this is really the living room)

Mommy: Emeline. Do you want toast or cereal?
Emeline: Cere-el! Pleath!
Mommy: Ok. Do you want it with milk?
Emeline: Yeth, pleath!

Mommy prepares bowl of Kix. Mommy places bowl of Kix in front of toddler. Toddler looks into bowl, says, "No thankth." Mommy starts toward bowl of cereal. Emeline decided in her pointed little toddler brain that Mommy is not moving fast enough.

Emeline shouts, "I DON YIKE IT!" and violently pushes cereal bowl to the side, slopping Kix and milk all over Mommy's John Grisham novel (The Street Lawyer, if anyone really cares.) and The Penny Saver.

Mommy: Emeline! Saying 'No thank you" was nice. I understood what you meant. You didn't have to push the cereal bowl. That made a mess and was mean. Say you are sorry.

Emeline looks down, bottom lip poking out.

Emeline: Thorry.
Mommy: Thank you. Now, do you want toast instead?
Emeline: No, thankth. I'm fine.
Mommy: Would you like cereal without milk?
Emeline: Yeth pleath.

Mommy prepares bowl of dry cereal. Places it in front of Emeline. Emeline eats Cheerio with handy pen nearby. Mommy refuses to care. Mommy eats bowl of Kix already made. Emeline takes exception to this and runs to Mommy.

Emeline: MINE! MIIIIIIIIINE! MIIIIIIINE!

Emeline grabs side of bowl, slopping cereal all over Mommy's (Ok, really Daddy's) pajama pants. Emeline gets hollered at to stop. Emeline stomps off to kitchen where Mommy has left the quart of milk on the table. Fuck.

Emeline: I wan it!
Mommy: Do you want milk in your cereal?"
Emeline: Yeth, pleath.

Mommy pours milk into bowl, hands daughter spoon. Daughter continues eating Cheerios with her pen. Mommy goes to computer to relate tales of toddlus horribilus with others as a grim warning to, for the love of God, start masturbating.

Hm. Is it too early in the morning to start drinking?

(directed to Aimee)

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

Poor Aims. Sorry. Just...BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

See, that is what Saturdays were like when you were at the dealership. How I prayed for naptime and wept when she didn't want to sleep.

Because it's past noon here, if that helps...

Is it too early in the morning to start drinking?

How's that saying go? It's 10am somewhere?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

Shut it, you.

Ellie's not quite as verbal but we are working really hard to teach her that when you don't want your food anymore, you don't have to throw it. Or dump it. We are successful maybe 70% of the time.

It's times like this that I'm really happy about having dogs and tile floors. It almost makes up for all the hair and the guaranteed breaking of anything dropped.

How's that saying go? It's 10am somewhere?

I'm sayin'!!!

Ha! Sorry, Aimee.

When they eat cereal, my kids (nearly 7, 8, and 11) still mostly eat dry cereal, because I knew I was not quite emotionally ready to hand them a bowl full of milk. Eventually, they got too used to eating it dry. They all make an exception if we buy them the occasional box of Cocoa Puffs, because putting milk on it makes chocolate milk. I used to plead with them to be regular American kids and eat their cold cereal with milk, but it squicks them. Then I realized I didn't freaking care. They drink plenty of milk. If they look like freaks in college, that's their problem.

On the upside, breakfast clean up usually only involves a broom and a mop is seldom necessary.

Too late!

"Mommy's bowl! Mommy's bowl!"

"You have your own cereal, Lillian. Eat your cereal."

::girl watches as Mommy eats, occasionally making comments like, "Love cereal!" and finishing up with "Bye bye, Mommy's bowl!" as the bowl goes into the sink.::

"Okay, Lillian. Mommy's cereal is gone. Time to eat Lillian's cereal."

::spoon falls:

"Oh-oh. Spoon fell."

"Yes, spoon fell. Do you want another spoon so you can eat your cereal?"

"Want yellow spoon!"

"You want a yellow spoon?"

"Yes!"

"Okay"

::hands over yellow spoon, which promptly joins purple spoon on the floor::

"Lillian, are you all done with your cereal?" ::moves to remove bowl::

"NO! CEREAL! CEREAL!"

::sighs. washes purple spoon. hands to girl::

Drinking and masturbation. We all used to talk about it. Then we stopped.

Now, we've all given birth to contrary wee humans who sometimes make us wish we'd stuck to the drinking and masturbation