Sail, that's brilliant.

{{{{Gris}}}} A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with a friend who's on his second year of teaching (middle-school science). We talked a bit about Emily's frustrations in San Francisco and about teaching in general, and he said he doesn't know one single teacher (except possibly K-3rd grade) for whom the first year isn't completely brutal. The constant riding herd on the kids, the discipline issues, the total indifference to homework, the cheating, the largely fruitless calls to parents -- the whole nightmarish mess of it is just what the first year is like, unless you're incredibly lucky or you're Sidney Poitier.

FWIW, he did also say that the second year truly is easier. Still brutal, but manageable. And that at the end of his first year he felt hopeless and incompetent, and so did all the other first-years he knew, and that now they're all feeling somewhat less so, and that he feels almost, barely, confident about next fall and a new crop of kids. It's just a shitstorm that there's no way through except through. But it doesn't mean you're a bad teacher, not at all.

Oh, my. I just got the sweetest note from my cousin's son (who is in 2nd or 3rd grade, I think). He colored one of those felt pictures for me, and wrote "To Valerie. From Luke. I pray for you. Always remember God loves you."

Apparently, he prays for me every night. I'm so touched. I just... Kids. I tell ya.

It's a quiet morning in here today. I am waiting for the cable guy to show up and fix the connection problem that is not happening today, but I know if I call and tell them not to come, it will start happening again.

{{{Gris}}} That right there is why I didn't finish my teaching program. I hope you are able to find your way through this. Don't beat yourself up because you aren't working miracles.

{{Laura}} Sounds like a tough day to be the mom, way to step up and be the "bad" guy.

Whoa, the Mobius shoes are extremely cool!

Go Saints!

This, and since they have such an amazingly adorable supporter, I'm sure they will. What a cutie!

Those Mobius strip shoes are cool. Mobius strips are cool. They make my brain feel funny.

{{{Gris}}} I was a crap teacher for discipline and cheating and stuff. And I taught at a pretty exclusive upper-class school (seriously, I had royalty in my classes). I hated lunch room duty, and study hall duty, and only sent someone to the principal's office once. I have no idea how you've managed a year at your school - I stand in awe of you.

The only experience I had that compares is the classful of yakuza sons (I called them yakuza-chan, but never where they could hear me). They had no interest in learning, and no impetus to do anything remotely like work. If trapped like a rat in a cage (by a quiz, for example), they would cheat like crazy. I frankly just started ignoring them.

You can help the helpless, but you can't help the hopeless.

{{Gris}}so sorry - between your year and Emily's year I'm really surprised at how many teachers make it past the first year. I wish I had real words of advice.

I have lots of words of advice, but I don't know if they're helpful. There is a reason that 50% of all teachers leave the profession (note: not the school, the entire profession) within the first five years. A significant percentage leave after that first year for many of the reasons you are citing. Sigh. I'm a huge advocate of public schools--was educated in them, had two public school teaching parents, and taught eight years in a public school myself--but when I moved to California, I went into the independent school system because I wanted to be the best kind of teacher I could be, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to do that with huge classes and an overwhelming grading load. I felt guilty for awhile until I decided that I was beating myself up for something that was not my fault. I put almost a decade of my life into public schools, and the problems I dealt with were almost always external (overcrowding, student apathy, parent issues, etc.). Ultimately it is important to realize that teaching is a job, not a divine quest. (A hard-learned lesson for me.) Like any job you give it your best, but if it's not a healthy situation for you, you have every right to seek a better place.

I want to encourage you to stay in teaching regardless of what you decide about this particular school. It does get better. The second year is easier than the first, and the third is easier still. It never gets "easy," but it does get more managable. And even in a school with many problems, there are many times when you will feel exhilerated by your students and by the work you are doing. But I need to reassure you that what you are feeling--that doubt you are having about your own abilities and effectiveness as a teacher--is completely normal. I cried more times than I like to admit my first few years. (And for the record, showing emotion does humanize you, but try to avoid crying if you can. Leave the room and compose yourself and come back. Tons of reasons for this that I won't go into, but it was another hard-learned lesson.)

And yes, the first year in particular is its own circle of hell. It will never be as difficult as it is this year. Hang in there. Don't give up on teaching just yet.

Kristin, what a thoughtful, wise post.

{{Gris}}

{{Laura}}

Today is my last day here, and I just finished boxing up everything in my office. It still doesn't feel quite real, yet.

I wish I had anything useful to add about teacher burnout, but hope that someone so clearly amazingly cool as you, Gris, continue to influence kids.

::Loves Kristin::