I am feeling very low this morning.
Yesterday, one of our students stole a very nice cell phone and wallet from another student. This was the latest in a series of escalating thefts.
Deciding enough was enough, the principal conducted a bag search. The phone was found, in a bag belonging to a girl who almost certainly wasn't the thief. In the course of this search, of course, tensions were very high, and two of our more crazy girls nearly had a fight in the hallway after one of them accused friends of the other one. I had to tackle one of the girls against a wall, a girl who is almost certainly MUCH stronger than me pound for pound.
Our English teacher broke down in the principal's office, and had to be persuaded not to quit.
Then i woke up at 4 a.m. this morning (having gone to bed, exhausted, before 9) to grade quizzes, only to discover that cheating was completely rampant on this quiz, which was proctored not by me but by a substitute. And even with the cheating, most of them failed, even though we spent 2 weeks longer on this topic than I originally planned.
I sobbed on my couch for a while.
I'm just not a very good teacher. Not for these students. I'd be great with self-motivated students, I think, but I'm just not good at grabbing their attention and promoting enthusiasm that isn't there. And even if I could become good at it with hard work, I'm not sure I want to devote the time and effort to doing so - I don't think the rewards are high enough for me.
The problem is, I love the school, and the staff, and the principal. I don't want to leave, even at the end of the school year, because I'd be abandoning it during a critical time - extensive turnover after a first year is a terrible thing for a new school, and the English teacher is already probably leaving.
I don't know if I can teach today. We'll see. It's time for me to leave now.
{{{Gris}}} The first year is SO tough. SO tough. I wish I had some advice, but we're here, and we're listening and we're pulling for you. I'll be thinking about you today.
I believe in you.
(((Gris))) What vw said, and tons of -ma.
{{{Gris}}} Hang in there.
{{Gris}}so sorry - between your year and Emily's year I'm really surprised at how many teachers make it past the first year. I wish I had real words of advice.
There is snow on the ground, and I have to admit it does look quite pretty. Plus, it is not enough to cause any real trouble right now.
It's snowing, and I had Chai. I should feel better. But... I don't.
I still have no idea what I'm going to do in my classes. We're having a town meeting with all the students at the beginning of the day, discussing yesterday, and how the year is going, and what's good and what's bad with the environment. And I know I'm going to cry, because I'm crying right now, and I don't know if that will humanize me or make me appear weak. And then i have to teach three 40-minute classes. I think maybe I'll just give them the quiz again, with me there to proctor it, but I just know that most of them will fail, and we have 2 weeks left to the end of the semester, and I can't fail them all because then they risk being held back, and statistics show that most NYC high school kids that fail a year end up dropping out, and I want them to succeed and go to college, not drop out because they can't pass math.
Oh, ugh. I hope the day goes better than expected, Gris. Can you do the quiz as an open book kind of thing, maybe, and hopefully get them to ask questions or at least, you know, try?
I think maybe I'll just give them the quiz again, with me there to proctor it, but I just know that most of them will fail, and we have 2 weeks left to the end of the semester, and I can't fail them all because then they risk being held back, and statistics show that most NYC high school kids that fail a year end up dropping out, and I want them to succeed and go to college, not drop out because they can't pass math.
Gris, I'm sorry this is so heartbreaking for you. I know this may not make you feel any better (and I'm sure you already know this) but you're NOT a bad teacher. You just can't be responsible for the outcome of some of your students, no matter how badly you want them to succeed. There's only so much you can do in a 40 minute class and I'm sure there are deeper issues at work. You do the best you can and get through to as many students as you can. That in itself is a measure of success.
Giving them the quiz again is being generous. But at least you can let them know that you KNOW they cheated and that they can't always get away with it.
