Spectral dancers surround us as the dead have joined.....oh hell. The dead and shadows disappear as I drop my dance partner, draw decay, and run the blade through the belly of the vampire pouncing on me from behind.

"I'm a master of death my friend, one such as you cannot surprise me."

"It's not her time." The vampire struggles to get pull himself from the blade, but I raise a hand and hold him still.

I give him a warm smile. "We shall see. Now let me show you something." Buttons fly as a simple spell rips his shirt open to reveal the bloated, black skin where decay has impaled him. I twist the sword and listen to him moan in pain. Maggots crawl from the ripped, rotting flesh as the cold steel of decay rotates in the wound.

"There comes a point where the decay cannot be reversed by the demonic forces that keep your corpse forever young." The vampire continues to moan as the blackened, rotting flesh expands to claim ever more of his torso. "Once we reach that point, they I will finish my dance and leave you to rot away next the corpse of your...."

Wham!

My head hurts and...where the hell am I? I return decay to my scabbard and take a look around. Down the street the spring party continues. I touch my head and find wine and shards of glass. That damn woman must have hit me over the head and triggered my ward to teleport me away from attack. I smack myself on the head in frustration and immediately regret it as my headache gets even worse. I should have just killed the vampire, why do I always have to gloat. Damn, damn, damn.

Hello, floor. Floor? Floor! Familiar floor. Still wearing the silly black outfit. Note to self: Ask Jilli how she functions in all this black lace frou-frou--

Focus, woman!

Breathe, breathe, breathe, look around for Mr. Freaky--

Oh, I bloody well do not think so.

Instincts go into overdrive. Knife, sword, blunt instrument, where's a weapon--ha! Nice, heavy, full champagne bottle. Ooh, Chateau Lafitte Rothschild, a good year, too. Too bad.

A picture-perfect flat snap into the side of the head of the bastard that's playing "Skewer the Vampire With an Icky Sword" with Bob.

"Nobody shoves a sword into my lover in my town!"

And, of course, the bastard--and Bob!--disappear right in the middle of my declaration of war. Adrenalin spent, I sit down hard.

People finally turn to look. I stare back, then carefully slurp down what's left of the very nice champagne from the neck of the broken bottle I'm still holding.

Ow.

All right, Robbie m'lad, get your ass up and deal with Mr. Maniac. Oh, god, things are crawling out of me. I can feel the struggle between the forces that keep me, well, alive and whatever this guy's sword did to me.

Boy, that guy on TV sure makes this look easy. But being a vampire means never having to say good-bye to your pain receptors.

The creature who was draining my woman is picking glass out of his hair. Looks like someone smashed a bottle over his head when he wasn't looking. One guess as to what red-headed wench that was.

I'm 214 years old. I didn't get this way by being stupid. Yes, Robbie, time to scuttle into the darkness and heal. Then we find this guy again and see how long it takes to rip his spine out of his body and strangle him with it.

I return to my lair from the spring fling still fighting my headache. Deimos greets me with a hot cup of tea.

"You okay boss? You look like nobody died."

"It was horrid, curse this season and..."

"What is it boss?"

"I just thought of an evil plot. Yes..yes.. it's perfect. Bwah ha ha h....ow. Get me some Advil and the book of curses."

Bwah ha ha h....ow

Serves ya right. Snerk.

I find the curse I'm looking for and the medicine starts to relieve the throbbing in my head. "Here it is Deimos, eternal winter. All I need is a frozen orb of Azagoth and the still beating heart of an Ice Dragon to bind the orb to."

"You need me to do something boss." Asks Deimos.

"I need you to seach the far corners of this world and locate a frozen orb of Azagoth. I want you to start...What are you doing with that box?"

"It's a computer sir."

"Why are you not preparing to journey to the far..."

"Found it boss."

"What?"

"Goblin Market has it. Here's a picture on their website. Looks like a snowglobe."

"It is not some child's toy. It is an artifact of terrible power."

"Want me to go buy it boss?"

"No. I shall survey this Goblin Market to see what wards they have employed. I doubt we will want to pay the price such a powerful artifact would command."

I have returned to my lair in victory, the frozen orb of Azagoth safely in my Goblin Market shopping bag.

"We are ready to begin Deimos."

"We are boss? I thought that you were only there to check out the place."

"I was planning to steal it, but the short furry fellow who sold it to me was willing to deal."

"Very clever of you boss."

"All he wanted was for me to animate his horde of choclate bunny minions, so I infused them all with demonic spirits. He got a small army of red-eyed choloclate bunnies, a got the orb." I pull the orb out of my bag. It is ice cold to the touch as to be expected since it is indeed ice. Shaking it sets in motion a swirl of little white things, looking much like a snowstorm in miniture.

"It really looks like a snowglobe." Comments Deimos.

Once it is bound the heart of the ice dragon, its true power will be revealed.

"Do you need me to get you one boss?"

"No Deimos, I know where to get one. One must travel to the world of Thymeria. Once there one must travel to the frozen wastelands of the north, home to all manner of fell beast and goblin cities. The path to the heart then leads to the great goblin citadel of Ak-Karza deep in the treacherous mountains. In the depths of the citadel is a passage to the underworld realm of the trolls. Beyond the trolls, one must traverse the long lost city of Ka-Zorath a great city buried deep under the ground ages ago and teaming with the undead. At the heart of that dead city is a keep where the dread overlord of the dead controls this realm of evil. In that keep is also the still beating heart of a great ice dragon, guarded by a lich of immense power. That is where we must go."

"Sounds tricky boss."

"Not really, I'm the evil overlord of the dead in Thymeria, it's a hobby."

"Clovis, where did those come from?

My Devilbunny, standing in front of what appears to be an army of chocolate bunnies, wiggles his nose.

"mine! very own minion army!"

"Yes, but where did they come from ?"

"satisfied customer."

"You did not sell something to someone. You didn't. You know you're not allowed to run the cash register ..."

"didn't touch silly cash register. buttons too small for fuzzy bunny paws."

"So I don't even have a record of whatever it is you sold, and I'm using that word ironically, to someone for an army of chocolate bunnies. I am never, ever leaving you alone in the front of the store when I'm meeting with a supplier. Never."

"customer wanted sparkly snowglobe thingie on back shelf. minion army very good payment for silly sparkly snowglobe thingie."

I look at the shelf Clovis is talking about. He couldn't have ... oh sweet zombie Jesus, he did.

"Clovis, that silly sparkly snowglobe was a very powerful magical ... widgit. Not only should you have checked with me before you sold it, but unless you're sure your chocolate minion army won't melt in the sun, you also did not get a good deal."

Clovis looks sulky. I pick him up and look at his paws.

"I hate to break it to you, bunny, but you have minion-smudges on your paws."

"no bath no bath no bath!"

"Yes, Clovis, bath. I can understand wanting minions you can bite the heads off of, but you really need to get the non-melty kind."

I set Clovis back down, trap all the chocolate bunnies in a spare hatbox, then turn the sign on the front door to Closed.

"Okay, the minions are going in the freezer, which should keep them docile. And while you're having a bath, you can tell me everything you remember about this 'satisfied customer' that bought the frozen orb of Azagoth."

"stooopid melty minions. get sparkly snowglobe back because minions defective. wouldn't have sold sparkly snow globe for defective bath-causing minions. no baths for evil overlords! not right."

Sighing, I wonder how I'm going to explain this to Pete when he gets home. More worrying, I wonder why anyone would want the frozen orb of Azagoth. But not too worrying, because I know the one Clovis sold had a small fracture on the base, which means any major spells tried with it will only have very localized effects. But still, I'm never leaving the Devilbunny alone in the shop again. You think I would have learned after the Insta-Golems ...

Minion-smudges!

No baths for evil overlords!

whee