Ow.

All right, Robbie m'lad, get your ass up and deal with Mr. Maniac. Oh, god, things are crawling out of me. I can feel the struggle between the forces that keep me, well, alive and whatever this guy's sword did to me.

Boy, that guy on TV sure makes this look easy. But being a vampire means never having to say good-bye to your pain receptors.

The creature who was draining my woman is picking glass out of his hair. Looks like someone smashed a bottle over his head when he wasn't looking. One guess as to what red-headed wench that was.

I'm 214 years old. I didn't get this way by being stupid. Yes, Robbie, time to scuttle into the darkness and heal. Then we find this guy again and see how long it takes to rip his spine out of his body and strangle him with it.

I return to my lair from the spring fling still fighting my headache. Deimos greets me with a hot cup of tea.

"You okay boss? You look like nobody died."

"It was horrid, curse this season and..."

"What is it boss?"

"I just thought of an evil plot. Yes..yes.. it's perfect. Bwah ha ha h....ow. Get me some Advil and the book of curses."

Bwah ha ha h....ow

Serves ya right. Snerk.

I find the curse I'm looking for and the medicine starts to relieve the throbbing in my head. "Here it is Deimos, eternal winter. All I need is a frozen orb of Azagoth and the still beating heart of an Ice Dragon to bind the orb to."

"You need me to do something boss." Asks Deimos.

"I need you to seach the far corners of this world and locate a frozen orb of Azagoth. I want you to start...What are you doing with that box?"

"It's a computer sir."

"Why are you not preparing to journey to the far..."

"Found it boss."

"What?"

"Goblin Market has it. Here's a picture on their website. Looks like a snowglobe."

"It is not some child's toy. It is an artifact of terrible power."

"Want me to go buy it boss?"

"No. I shall survey this Goblin Market to see what wards they have employed. I doubt we will want to pay the price such a powerful artifact would command."

I have returned to my lair in victory, the frozen orb of Azagoth safely in my Goblin Market shopping bag.

"We are ready to begin Deimos."

"We are boss? I thought that you were only there to check out the place."

"I was planning to steal it, but the short furry fellow who sold it to me was willing to deal."

"Very clever of you boss."

"All he wanted was for me to animate his horde of choclate bunny minions, so I infused them all with demonic spirits. He got a small army of red-eyed choloclate bunnies, a got the orb." I pull the orb out of my bag. It is ice cold to the touch as to be expected since it is indeed ice. Shaking it sets in motion a swirl of little white things, looking much like a snowstorm in miniture.

"It really looks like a snowglobe." Comments Deimos.

Once it is bound the heart of the ice dragon, its true power will be revealed.

"Do you need me to get you one boss?"

"No Deimos, I know where to get one. One must travel to the world of Thymeria. Once there one must travel to the frozen wastelands of the north, home to all manner of fell beast and goblin cities. The path to the heart then leads to the great goblin citadel of Ak-Karza deep in the treacherous mountains. In the depths of the citadel is a passage to the underworld realm of the trolls. Beyond the trolls, one must traverse the long lost city of Ka-Zorath a great city buried deep under the ground ages ago and teaming with the undead. At the heart of that dead city is a keep where the dread overlord of the dead controls this realm of evil. In that keep is also the still beating heart of a great ice dragon, guarded by a lich of immense power. That is where we must go."

"Sounds tricky boss."

"Not really, I'm the evil overlord of the dead in Thymeria, it's a hobby."

"Clovis, where did those come from?

My Devilbunny, standing in front of what appears to be an army of chocolate bunnies, wiggles his nose.

"mine! very own minion army!"

"Yes, but where did they come from ?"

"satisfied customer."

"You did not sell something to someone. You didn't. You know you're not allowed to run the cash register ..."

"didn't touch silly cash register. buttons too small for fuzzy bunny paws."

"So I don't even have a record of whatever it is you sold, and I'm using that word ironically, to someone for an army of chocolate bunnies. I am never, ever leaving you alone in the front of the store when I'm meeting with a supplier. Never."

"customer wanted sparkly snowglobe thingie on back shelf. minion army very good payment for silly sparkly snowglobe thingie."

I look at the shelf Clovis is talking about. He couldn't have ... oh sweet zombie Jesus, he did.

"Clovis, that silly sparkly snowglobe was a very powerful magical ... widgit. Not only should you have checked with me before you sold it, but unless you're sure your chocolate minion army won't melt in the sun, you also did not get a good deal."

Clovis looks sulky. I pick him up and look at his paws.

"I hate to break it to you, bunny, but you have minion-smudges on your paws."

"no bath no bath no bath!"

"Yes, Clovis, bath. I can understand wanting minions you can bite the heads off of, but you really need to get the non-melty kind."

I set Clovis back down, trap all the chocolate bunnies in a spare hatbox, then turn the sign on the front door to Closed.

"Okay, the minions are going in the freezer, which should keep them docile. And while you're having a bath, you can tell me everything you remember about this 'satisfied customer' that bought the frozen orb of Azagoth."

"stooopid melty minions. get sparkly snowglobe back because minions defective. wouldn't have sold sparkly snow globe for defective bath-causing minions. no baths for evil overlords! not right."

Sighing, I wonder how I'm going to explain this to Pete when he gets home. More worrying, I wonder why anyone would want the frozen orb of Azagoth. But not too worrying, because I know the one Clovis sold had a small fracture on the base, which means any major spells tried with it will only have very localized effects. But still, I'm never leaving the Devilbunny alone in the shop again. You think I would have learned after the Insta-Golems ...

Minion-smudges!

No baths for evil overlords!

whee

Deimos and I stomp the snow off our boots as we come back through the big cherry-wood door that leads to Thymeria. Deimos closes the doors and we take the stairs up to main floor of the 'House of Doors', a door store in The Old Quarter as well as the location of many dimensional portals.

"Things seems the same here, but we were in Thymeria for..."

My minion has such a limited mind. "Deimos, time does not work the same in every dimension. Here, only a few minutes have passed. The orb please."

Deimos carefully removes the orb from his heavy cloak. "Hey, it has a crack."

"Yes, it always has. It won't matter for this spell, the orb is only a conduit for the power of the ice dragon heart." I take the orb from my minion's hand. Now let it begin.

I hurl the orb to the ground, shattering it. The glittering snow expands and swirls into the sky. Moments later, a chill winds sweeps through the streets of the city and dark clouds rolling in from the north. As the freezing rain begins to fall, I turn to Deimos. "Hand me the globe."

"But you just..." Starts Deimos as he looks down and sees the globe whole again. "How did..." He begins to ask as he hands me the reformed globe.

"It is bound to the ice dragon heart, the ice will reform as long as the heart beats. Now let us go to a local tavern and trade this globe for some drinks, I have no need of it anymore."

What in the world? I thought the weather forecast said "Sunny and mild"? Darn it, my winter wardrobe is packed up, and I don't want to interrupt the very pleasant "My hero, let me tend your wounds" thing I've got going on with Bob. Especially nice since the hero thing is going both ways. Too bad about the wounds thing, too.

"Achmed!"

"Yes, sitt, I know. The weather forecast has changed to Mostly Cloudy with Evil Overlord."

"What, again?"