(Alexei Yagudin. Who should totally play Spike if Joss ever does Buffy on Ice.)

(I happened to be taping the skating exhibition, so I got his strip-tease on tape. I just have to find and preserve the tape)

Jilli... I'm leaving the sleigh ride to you. My brain's been eaten. If you like, we'll just turn up at the housewarming together, led by the Evil Bunny and Bear Alliance, but I'm cool with it if you have any other ideas.

feeding Am-Chau virtual espresso.

Thanks, Penny. Though a virtual Martini is probably more in order.

Penny answers the door in a silk tunic and black pants. Staring's not chivalrous, so I try to maintain eye contact. I hope I'm not blushing.

"Apologies for my tardiness," I say.

"No worries," she says, smiling. "What's that you're hiding behind your back?"

"Hm. If you've already spotted it, perhaps hiding isn't the right word." I bring the plant into view. "A small housewarming gift."

Penny doesn't say anything at first. The plant is three feet high with glossy, violet-tinged leaves and what looks like a drooping blossom. "Thank you," she manages to say. "I'm not familiar with this particular plant . . ."

"It's known as Audrey Mark VII. I acquired it from the Home Security Horticultures Greenhouse at my new job."

"You got a job?"

"Yes. I am now Professor of Earth Magic at the Dogtown Elemental and Industrial Arts Community College."

"Wow. Sounds prestigious."

"Well, there was a Help Wanted sign on the lawn."

"So . . . this is a magic plant?"

"Well, you won't have any trouble with unwanted intruders. It won't bother friends or anyone you invite inside, and it doesn't require blood like some of the earlier prototypes. Water it every three or four days and keep it near a window. It can live off one burglar for a year. And while it's digesting, it exudes a scent of lavender. You're not allergic to lavender, are you?"

"I don't know," I mutter to Bob, "I'm a services kind of present person, myself. I hate shopping for people, they always smile sweetly then hock the thing on ebay."

"Well, I don't know what to give her, either. A reliable vampire-be-gone spell?"

"There is one?"

"Not that I'd let you get near, there isn't."

Darn cheeky Black Irish git.

I take a look at the InstaGolems wandering around serving. "I might have an idea. Other-Bob mentioned it when I was up visiting while you were, um ..."

"Escorting your uninvited guest off the premises?"

"Something like that. Well, we can offer, it's something she'd want to approve of."

We wend our way through the crowd, trying not to step on various familiars and small guests. Penny's looking happy but a tad frazzled.

"Hi, Penny, great party. We, um, really didn't bring a present, because I don't know if you'd really want to accept it." A golem thumps by on his way to reload his hors d'ouerve tray. "I was wondering if you might like a pet? A decorative kind of pet, they don't make a mess, and they're cute."

"A pet?" Penny says cautiously.

"Yeah. I've got a line on a couple of baby gargoyles that need a good home."

Good, people are already here. I so hate it when what I expect will be fashionably late turns out to be early. I blame dear Papa, who was in the military, and dear Mama, who was overly precise in all things.

I greet the people I know and work my way over to our hostess. "Welcome to the neighborhood," I say. "Lovely place you have here."

She thanks me, and I offer my gifts. "I've found a sgian dubh a most useful item to have in The Blood," I tell her. "When the world can go awry at a moment's notice, it can be useful to have a small knife, which may or may not be magical, secreted about one's person. And if you care to skate, here are some coupons for free lessons. I teach beginners on Monday evenings in the winter."

I slip inside and scan the room. First, munchies. Then, hotties. I see a couple of babes who tempt me to reverse the order, but I haven't eaten all day.

I notice some people are staring at me. I should have gone home and changed out of my uniform, I guess.

"Knut!"

Penny steps between me and the buffet. I consider shoving her aside, but I'm not the evil one.

"Hey, Penny." This is always an awkward moment. To hug or not to hug? We survived the mirror dimension together, but she always like Dudley better. I split the difference and pat her on the shoulder.

"Hey! Did you just come from work, or something? What's SOS?"

She's reading the t-shirt they make us wear. I wouldn't mind, except they make us wash them ourselves. "It should be SOAS, but when I told my boss that he just told me to keep dipping."

Penny looks expectant. "And SOAS would stand for?"

"Oh. Sex On a Stick. We just opened a stand in the Folly. That reminds me, I brought you a house-warming present." I dig the box out of the satchel where I keep my Playstation2. I always carry it with me now, it's a security-blanket thing."

Penny takes the box and stares at it. "You brought me a box of penis-shaped popsicles?"

"In an assortment of flavors. Hey, you got any nachos?"

I steer Slacker!Knut over to what I like to call my Big Pile O' Starch - nachos, bugles, chips of every kind, samosas. . . nothing like comfort food to mellow people out.

He seems only to be happy to be left alone, so I store my new treats deep in the freezer, grab a drink for GoodKnut and reassure him about the pet, er, plant.

"It's really, really interesting, and I only hope I'll be able to make a good home for it. As for lavender - love it, can't get enough. Say, your plant wouldn't ever, ever make a meal of a cat or a gargoyle, would it?"

Knut looks shocked at the idea. "Never! The Mark VII has no appetite for random destruction. It is a loyal, single-minded being."

"Well, thank you. It sounds like just what I'll need. So nice of you to think about security." I put the Mark VII beside my lovely new rosebush. No mayhem ensues. Whew!

Knut spots his double and reluctantly goes over to greet him. Susan and DX are occupied. They're either playing two-person charades or they're telling war stories. This is going great. Everyone seems happy, and Holli is dancing with the penguin. That is so cute.

I make my way over to Connie and Bob. He is really most watchable, but completely taken. Oh, well. A thing of beauty is a joy forever, even if you can't bring it home.

"Connie, about the gargoyles, what does the care and feeding involve, exactly?"

As I explained to the penguin, if you eat one before bed, you have flying dreams. Unless you can fly, in which case you have car-driving dreams. He seemed interested.

(Adorable!)