Okay, I’m thinking we’re talking about this again so I’m gonna post what I wanted to say earlier. I am going to preface this by saying: I am not angry. I am not upset. So please keep that in mind when reading.

At that point people were saying things like "OK John, are you satisfied now? Can we stop the witch-hunt?". And now those same people are still blaming me for causing conflict, and feeling sorry for him? That hurts so much.

Yes, back in January, I threw the term “witch hunt” out there. That is how I felt, and still feel, about the situation. I don’t, however, feel sorry for mieskie/Schmoker/Anathema. He did lie to us. He lied to me. Perhaps I should be more outraged by that but, frankly, it’s one of the smallest and least hurtful lies ever told to me online so YOMV.

John, I never doubted that your intentions were good. My issue was with your method. And knowing now what I didn’t know then, I’d still take the same position. Regardless of whether or not mieskie = Schmoker, trying to prove that they were the same person was a bad idea.

Now I know a lot of people didn’t understand my issues and thought I was taking the whole thing too seriously. People didn’t understand why I was so upset and why I had to leave. So here's your backstory:

Once upon a time, I had a private little community that was a Bronze offshoot called The Pool. The idea behind the forum was that everyone was of age and there were no holds barred. We were snarky and crude and uncensored.

The community grew in a weird and odd way and was filled with a strange assortment of people that you’d never think of as friends. But for some reason, it was a special place. People talked, in detail, about things in there that they never talked about anywhere else. Intensely personal and private matters.

There were people on the outside of that forum that took issue with its existence. I had people trying to hack into my UBB to find out what we were talking about. I got threats that they were going to crash the server. There were moles who copied posts and pasted them elsewhere. It was completely insane.

People became very concerned about others reading their posts. They didn’t want these deeply personal things shared with the Bronze community at large. Since it was my board, I felt a certain obligation to prevent that from happening. I tried to prove that people were or weren’t who they claimed to be. I tried to track those who were making attacks against the server. I took the damn board underground and moved it three times.

It was a mistake.

When I look back now, I can honestly say that my heart was in the right place. I was trying to preserve that special little community in any way I could. It was important to me and, even more so, those people were important to me. I felt that they had put their faith in me and I was letting them down.

I destroyed that community. Not the moles. Not the hackers. Me. I had the best of intentions but I was consumed by the idea of not letting these outside forces win. And they won anyway. By the time the dust settled, no one completely trusted anyone. Everyone felt battered and betrayed and disillusioned. It wasn’t a community anymore and those people got what they’d been after.

Online identity is an incredibly hard thing to prove or disprove. There was never any physical evidence that mieskie and Schmoker were the same person. There was a lot of supposition and circumstantial evidence but no hard facts.

So what if we had let it go in January? What if, when someone first brought up the possibility that they were the same person, we had simply said, “We can’t prove it so let’s not go there”?

Then we’d come to the day when a picture appeared. He’d be approached and probably the same thing would have happened. Except that we wouldn’t have had those angry words back in January. Neither of us would have gotten so upset to the point of needing a break and we wouldn’t be having this conversation now.

My problem was never that I didn’t understand where you were coming from, John. My problem was that I understood all too well. And maybe I should have said that better. If you had known the backstory, you might not have felt so attacked. I don’t know. On that particular day, I felt as if you weren’t even reading my posts and I reacted badly.

If I could go back to that first day when I found out we were public enemy #1, I would do it differently. I would never have moved the board. I would never have tried to prove or disprove people. I would have said, “Fuck you. We’re a strong community and we’re not afraid of you.”

Maybe we would have imploded anyway. I just don’t know. But I have a feeling that if I'd taken that stance, I'd feel a lot better about it now.

On a completely light hearted note:

I want to point out that Laura and I are now out of posting equilibrium. She's been posting more because of the vote. Makes me feel even more unbalanced.

Once upon a time, I had a private little community that was a Bronze offshoot called The Pool.

I was just a baby, then. Big explosion. Fallout for many moons. Still some. Kristen was protecting her own. We want to do the same. Preserve. But given Kristen's experience, perhaps we should find a different way.

Makes me feel even more unbalanced.

Quick, make another post.

I do value bitterchick and Allyson's cautionary tales highly, and appreciate their willingness to dredge up what were obviously painful situations.

I finally figured out how "Read New" missed this whole big discussion. It was when I jumped to Sophia's "Pros and Cons" post. When we have a separate thread for voting discussion, that won't happen.

I'm glad the conversation wasn't shut down. Besides being frustrating for the people who wanted to talk, I would have been so curious about what Allyson was going to say.

I... heard a "just" before the "backing" part.

Oh hell. Sorry.

That clears it right up. I can easily see taking it that way by mistake. No worries.

I'm getting the impression even now that people, rather than saying "oh well John might have gone about it the wrong way, but after all, it turns out he was right" are saying "even if he was right, he shouldn't have brought it up because it's upsetting

Oh, I knew you were right, but we were technologically unable to ban someone permanently. Therefore, there was no point getting upset trying.

Binary walk is way cool.

Rebecca Lizard: It could be someone who discusses pro baseball and the Simpsons all the time.

DavidS: I want to talk to that person! Go make him or her up, Lizard.

So you're saying, if DXMachina didn't exist, we would have to invent him?

I'll miss Anathema. Third time around he was charming. But his past caught up with him, as it should. Being a good neighbor for 20 years doesn't take your picture off that old FBI Most Wanted poster.

A whole lot of posts while I was composing my last. It was actually bitterchick's post that I wanted to hear (she's been so cryptic about her name change, I thought she was Allyson for weeks and weeks). And what a post it was.

(Incidentally, I think that it was recently discovered that the Rosenbergs were indeed spying for the soviets, wasn't it?)

To me, the word that applies to both McCarthy and John H is "vindicated," although it'll always be remembered as an unpleasant episode.

So you're saying, if DXMachina didn't exist, we would have to invent him?

It just means I have to spend more time with Ed at the F2F. First beer's on me.

checking feelings. Nope, still not upset at being misled by someone with an odd way of fulfilling his apparent need to belong here. I'm kind of sad. And I can't say I blame him for end-running the ban. A ban from a community of Buffy/Angel fans does not have the same mental weight as a ban from say, the municipal court that can throw your meatspace butt in a jail cell.

I have to admit I'm still somewhat startled at the degree to which people are upset by Anathema's actions. But I can only judge my own reactions to those feelings, I have no right to judge the feelings themselves.

McCarthy was not vindicated. To start with people still argue over whethr the Rosenbergs were guilty,. But if they were it has nothing to do with the many many innocent people who were harmed .

Hey Gar -- How's that binary walk lookin'? :)