Peruvian Squirrel Pimps, Part 2:
David S.:
Flashing on the old Bloom County cartoon of the Attack of the Jehovah's Witness Pit Bulls. Dogs with white collars and ties chasing Opus around with vicious salvation.
Gudanov:
Also flashing on Fundamentally Oral Bill.
Phill:
Gud, you sumbitch, I haven't thought about Fundementally Oral Bill in years. Also, you caused me to partially snarf Yoo-Hoo.
Jon B:
Yoo-Hoo: The Cool Whip of chocolate drinks. <edit: not that there's anything wrong with that...>
Phill:
I went to college in a town with a large submarine base. Needless to say there were a lot of hookers (or in the charming accent of the town, "hukahs" or "hoors") and, consequently, there were also pimps. We, as befitting the scions of the idle rich, would take our selves down to the wrong side of the tracks to gawk, stare, and in the great tradition of liberal arts freshmen everywhere, pretentiously analyze the goings on. One of the pimps was the bigest, most pathetic Yoo-Hoo junky I've ever seen.
Jesse:
I love the fact that the point of the story was the Yoo-Hoo, Phill.
Phill:
All things begin and end with Yoo-Hoo. Its 8 vitamins and 5 minerals are the Alpha and the Omega. It is the Light and the Way. But not the strawberry kind, that's just vile pink watery despair.
Magdeleine:
Not to insult any members of any religion, but the door-to-door thing reminds me of a story my ex-ex-boss used to tell, about his college years. The man lived with a hairy, overweight male student from Peru in a double-wide trailer, where they drank beer and dared each other to do the dishes on a weekly basis. One day, my boss-to-be was having some nice vegging time when BOOM, his roommate came flying through the front door. "Quick!" the roommate says. "Grab all the beer bottles you can find and put them all around the room!" With this, the roommate bolts into the back. My boss-to-be was puzzled but willing to go along with it, so he gathered up a few dozen beer bottles and put them in random places around the room. Moments later, the hairy, overweight, Peruvian roommate comes bounding back into the living room, clad only in tiger-skin bikini underwear. He proceeds to strew the place with a year's worth of Playboy issues. My boss, totally nonplussed, asks what the hell is going on. His roommate grabs a bottle of whiskey and shouts, "Don't you know? THE MORMONS ARE COMING!" He then proceeds to dump half the bottle of whiskey on himself before the doorbell rings. At that, he flings open the door, revealing himself in all his splendor to the astonished mild-mannered folk on their doorstep, and cries, "Welcome! We've been WAITING for you!" They fled in terror. I have been waiting for YEARS to use this on door-to-door religious folk of whatever persuasion. Of course, to get the full effect, I'd have to find a hairy, overweight Peruvian roommate...
Jon B:
OK, so would a Yoo-Hoo ward away vampires? The Pimp and the Peruvian stories were both amazing, people!
David S.:
That's the name of my new band: The Pimp and the Peruvians.
Phill:
OK, blatantly off-topic, but this JUST happened to me not five minutes ago and I had to share. I'm sitting at my desk at home, next to a closed window that faces some tress and has my fire escape/hibachi habitat. Just now in an attempt to appear deep, I looked out the window thoughtfully and there, spread-eagle clutching the screen was a dramaticly back-lit squirel. I made a noise like, "Fwahh1" and managed to awaken my two cats (Smokey and William Blake) from there much needed eighteen hours a day of sleep. They looked up, spotted the squirel and both charged the window. They both slammed into the glass causing no damage other than to have the rodent spray my window with terrified squirel urine and run away. The cats are now back asleep and I am left with a cloudy window.
Magdeleine:
I'm imagining Willow brandishing a Yoo-Hoo in lieu of a cross. That rules. "Don't move, or I'll Yoo-Hoo you. Hoo." Xander: "You don't want to get on the wrong end of a Yoo-Hoo. Could be sticky." Shutting up now.
Magdeleine:
Much snorking over here, too. TT is going to get me fired. Egad. "It's the Peruvian Squirrel Pimps! Run away!"
David S.:
Eek! That's stinky stuff. But I'm still chortling at the image of your cats bouncing off the glass.
David S.:
Okay, I take it back - The Peruvian Squirrel Pimps is now my new band.
Spinny:
Lena, what you must do is learn the fine art of the silent snork!
Emily S.:
Silent, hell. I had tears running down my face. I thought the doctor in the next office was going to hear my gasps of laughter through the door (I have very weird and unappealing laughter -- I just pray that nothing funny happens when I'm in public). Phill, with your permission, one day, when I write my novel (the Manual Reader, we all think it should be called), I'm putting this scene in. This and Gudanov's couch flip. You know, if I hang out here long enough, I may not even need to come up with a plot!
Phill:
Since childhood,it has always been my fondest wish that an unexpected foray into small mammal urology could bring joy to others.