Rebecca, it will be safe by the end of the month.

Thank you.

From Atlantic Canadian Madness (My post was the set up, not the funny):

Megan E.:
Hey, you know those yummy Haggen Daaz ice cream-sicles? Wanna know why they are yummy? 27g of Fat per bar. (and almost 400 calories)

Sue
Megan, didn't you know that Haagen Dazs was Belgian for "Bring on the Stretchy Pants?"

In Natter:

Sarameg:

Even if they wanted to star a war, they couldn't cause a Quaker war plan would never make it out of subcomittee session until it was so acronymed as to be indecipherable!

PaulJ:

So you're saying that quakers are like Buffistas?

Betsy HP:

Very much, actually. Although not so much with the porn. At least publicly.

Nutty:

Paul, Quakers are totally like Buffistas. Except we're a lot more scatological. And don't run schools.

But maybe we should! We too could be a force for good and smartness around the world!

Jesse:

Does being scatological cancel out being eschatological? Because you know, we're both.

Allyson: Perhaps God should stay out of politics. He blows up a lot of shit.

Liese S. in Bureaucracy:

I feel mischaracterized. I'm a monkey pants lover, not a lover of the monkey himself.

Non-spoily from Spoilers:

thessaly: Or maybe it's something with that whole "finding a five-leaf clover during a solar eclipse after buying a new copy of the Principia Discordia" incident. I'm still bitter I didn't get superpowers for that.

Ple: You probably just haven't discovered what they are yet.

thessaly: I don't think summoning my inner Iron Chef to create something edible the day before grocery shopping counts. I want blue neon eyeball lasers, dammit! And FISTS OF DOOM!!! With a big "SMITE" in the balloon when I bonk someone.

I can crochet a hat-shaped hat after some trial and error (and a very floppy proto-hat), but it's not really the same. Crochet never smites anyone. What fun is that?

Jess PMoon in Natter, on renaming "French fries" as "Freedom fries":

Doesn't substituting "Freedom" for "French" kind of undermine the point? I mean, everyone still thinks of them as French fries, only now they're being forced to associate "French" with "freedom" in order to remember what to order for lunch. If it's meant as a rebuke, they should have called them "Betrayal fries."

Because somebody has too.

Warning VERY spoilery to the nth degree but quite brilliant!

Matt the Bruins Fan in Angel 2

It didn't practically write itself the way the last one did, but here's my 5-minute recap for "Salvage":

ANGELUS: No fair! I wanted to play with my food before eating.
GUNN: Folks, Angel killed Lilah.
DISCORDY: I'm shocked and grief-striken. No, really.

LORNE: I have an idea—we can use the sanctuary spell to make the hotel a safe zone.
CONNOR: Magic? That trick never works.
LORNE: It worked for my club. Except for that time it got trashed. And again when it was burned down...

FANNISH EVIL CREATURES: Angelus! Omigod, this is sooo cool! Can we get your autograph?
ANGELUS: The only things I hate more than do-gooders are groupies.

LILAH'S GHOST: We coulda had something together.
WESLEY: Out, out, damned spot!
LILAH'S GHOST: No, it isn't Lady Macbeth that sees the ghost. Hey, did you mistranslate all those prophecies because of a reading disability?
MoG: Let's waffle and forget that we were all resolved to kill Angel an hour ago.
CONNOR: Screw you guys! I'm going home.
DISCORDY: Hmmm, should I use logic to rein him in? Nah, better try a melodramatic fainting spell.
GUNN: Now with Angel gone, who can put Junior in his place?
PRISON GUARD: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing... Faith!
AUDIENCE: Hooray!

DEB: Just thought I'd try to stab you in the back with this ornate dagger I carved out of soap. No offense.
FAITH: None taken. Y'know, you guards took your sweet time showing up.
GUARD: We were taken by surprise. Usually we're the ones beating prisoners up.

LILAH'S GHOST: You thought you could redeem me. Too bad, so sad. Remind you of anyone?
WESLEY: On this show? Try everyone. Ah well, time to cut this conversation short.

ANGELUS: Hi, Big Rubber Satan. Think I can goad you into a fight?
BIG RUBBER SATAN: Signs point to yes. Drat, you discovered my weakness—trying to climb stairs with these hooves.
DISCORDY: Snap out of it! I need him to inflict unspeakable horror on the world. Speaking of, let's make out...

LORNE: This rhyming spell sounds familiar. I think the Furies must be moonlighting for Charmed.
CONNOR: It sucks. You all suck.
LORNE: Let's try a game of Clue... say the murder was committed by me in the lobby with a candlestick? Ow! Looks like the spell worked.
RECAPPER: Great, now the magic works like it's supposed to?
WESLEY: Change of plans. We need Angel back alive.

FAITH: Hi Wesley, you look hot. Or maybe that's the three years in prison without any men talking. Anyway, I can't help you—I'm all resolved to pay my debt to society right here.
WESLEY: Angelus is back.
FAITH: Too bad I can't stay. Let's haul ass!
WESLEY'S STUNT DOUBLE: Arrgghh! The pain! The pain!

FAITH: Wait, are you catching me up on what's happened to you guys, or on the last three years of Passions?
WESLEY: Perhaps some gratuitous vampire slaying will clear things up.

WESLEY: Guess who's coming to dinner.
DISCORDY: What's she doing here?
FAITH: Saving your incompetent asses. Here are everyone's marching orders...

MISCELLANEOUS VAMPIRES: There's a new Slayer in town.
ANGELUS: Playtime! Hey, not only do I remember the Beast, I remember how to dial outside this area code.

CONNOR: I'll kill Angelus if I wanna. You can't tell me what to do!
FAITH: One thing I learned in prison? How to make you my bitch.
GUNN: Fred? Fred who?
THE WRITERS: Just what we were thinking!
FAITH: Looks like Angel's expecting me.
WESLEY: You have to respect a villain who takes time to make "Happy Jailbreak" decorations.
FAITH: Guess I'll just stroll into this obvious ambush.
ANGELUS: How considerate. Tell me, have you and Big Rubber Satan been formally introduced?
BIG RUBBER SATAN: Angelus, why have you brought a Slayer to my home?
ANGELUS: You're complaining about Faith showing up? Er, you realize I was being sarcastic when I called you "Honey," right?
BIG RUBBER SATAN: Grrr! Beast smash!
FAITH: How is it that I'm getting my ass kicked, yet my fighting still makes Buffy look geriatric in comparison?
BIG RUBBER SATAN: Slayer, I'm so confident that I feel compelled to belittle you with a long-winded speech while turning my back on Angelus.
ANGELUS: He don't know me vewy well, do he?
FAITH: You stabbed him from behind with a weapon made of bone? Too... many... Freudian quips... can't... choose...

MoG: It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day.
GUNN: Faith rules!
CONNOR: Faith rules!
AUDIENCE: Faith rules!
DISCORDY: Hmmm, am I disgruntled because I'm evil and my plan has been foiled, or because I'm Cordelia and she's getting all the attention? Oh well, let's see how many viewers we can creep out this week—Angel's gonna be a grandfather!

Zoe - traditionally, the 5-minute recaps, also known as "Anyas", have been linked to in Nillytown. No need to fill up whitespace here.