as I said, it's Jilli's fault. Quick, dirty, and weird
[The camera focuses on a dapper frog in a trench coat and fedora, holding a microphone. The frog looks grim.]
Kermit: Kermit the Frog, here. reporting from Sesame Street, where tragedy has befallen. We're standing in front of the building where long-time residents Bert and Ernie live--or, where they used to live. We go now to Maria, who was the first on the scene.
[Pan to a young Hispanic woman, obviously in shock]
Maria: It's horrible, I've known them so long, I can't believe what I found up there.
Kermit: Can you tell the viewers what you found, Maria?
Maria: I--I knocked on their door because everyone was worried. They always show up for lunch, at least. Their door wasn't locked, and I peeked in and--so horrible--stuffing everywhere . . .
[The camera leaves Maria and focuses on Kermit]
Kermit: Yes, a tragic scene on Sesame Street. But there are more terrors in this friendly neighborhood, because [Kermit leans toward the camera] no one knows how this tragedy happened. And this isn't the only mystery. Cookie Monster and Grover have not been seen in two days, and people are reluctant to come out at night.
[Kermit approaches a dented garbage can with the lid firmly in place]
Kermit: Some long-time residents have barricaded themselves in their homes. [Knocks on top of can] Oscar? Oscar the Grouch?
[from inside can]: Go away!
Kermit: Oscar, Kermit the Frog, here, for Sesame Street News. Would you tell us what you think is going on?
Oscar: No! Go away! I'm not comin' out until it's over!
Kermit: Until what's over, Oscar?
Oscar: Ask Ernie! Ask the Bird! Go away!
Kermit: [sighing] Yes, fear and suspicion are running rampant on our quiet, happy street. Ask the Bird, he says. Where is Big Bird? I haven't seen him all day.
[singing comes from off camera. The camera tracks around to show a woman in a lacy dress dancing down the street]
Kermit: Oh, someone new. Perhaps she knows something. Hello, miss. Kermit the Frog, here, for Sesame Street News. What's your name?
[The woman smiles, swaying and humming]: My name's Drusilla. You're very green.
Kermit: Yes, I am. [looks towards the camera, then back] Miss Drusilla, when did you first come to Sesame Street?
Drusilla: Oh, it's been lovely days and nights. The stars are fuzzy here, did you know? You're fuzzy, too. You're all fuzzy, inside and out. It tickles.
Kermit: Not all of us are fuzzy. Everyone is welcome on Sesame Street.
Drusilla: [laughs happily] Yes, I know, such nice fuzzy people, making me welcome wherever I want to go. Spike told me you weren't real, that I couldn't come to Sesame Street, but, sh-h, I found the way.
Kermit: Miss Drusilla, do you have any idea what's happening to the people who live here?
Drusilla: Mm-hm. I know. [reaches up to mouth and pulls out a bright yellow feather] It's been oh so nice visiting here. But I do wish my Spike was here, he knows such lovely games. [sighs]
Kermit: [staring at feather that has drifted to ground] Um, Miss Drusilla, that's a very pretty feather. Where did you get it?
Drusilla: [puts up her arms and pirouettes down the street] We were playing Tag. Mr. Snuffalupagus was It, and I let him catch me, then I caught the pretty, bright, yellow Bird, but he's not It. He can't run anymore. 'Run, run, as fast as you can, can't catch me . . .' [stops and looks at Kermit] I'm still It. Would you like to play Tag, Kermit the Frog?
Kermit: [gulps and starts to back away] Tha--that's very kind, Miss Drusilla, but I think I need to get back to the station now. [familiar out-of-tune singing comes down the street behind him] Elmo! You might not want to come over here, Elmo.
Elmo: Hello, Kermit! Elmo is having a wonderful day!
Kermit: [watching Drusilla, who has stopped dancing but is still humming as she watches] Elmo, go get help. I think Miss Drusilla had something to do with Bert and Ernie.
Elmo: Oh, no, Drusilla wouldn't do that. [bounces over to Drusilla, takes her hand, and leans against her hip] Drusilla is my friend. She's been telling Elmo the most wonderful stories.
Kermit: [gulping again] Elmo, I think you should get away from her now.
Elmo: [sighs and looks up at Drusilla] Elmo's sorry about this, Drusilla. But Elmo likes you.
Drusilla: And I like you, too. [leans down and kisses the top of Elmo's head]
Kermit: [whispering] Elmo, not everybody is your friend. I know that's hard to believe, but I think she's the one who hurt Bert and Ernie.
Elmo: [begins to hop angrily up and down] Drusilla didn't eat Bert and Ernie! Stop blaming Drusilla! [Elmo's face changes, his eyes go yellow, and fangs appear] Elmo did it! Elmo was hungry and didn't want to listen to Bert and Ernie any more!
Kermit: [shaking too hard to talk]
Drusilla: [leans down as her face changes too] I don't think I want to listen to Froggy anymore. [pulls another yellow feather out of her mouth] But I'm all full.
Elmo: [sighs] Elmo all full, too. But we can play with Kermit anyway, can't we, Drusilla, please?
Drusilla: Of course we can.
[Kermit turns and runs away screaming. Elmo gives a huge sigh and shrug]
Elmo: Kermit ran away. [Laughs and bounces] Elmo knows! Do you know the Count? [Drusilla shakes her head] You'll like the Count. Come on.
[Elmo takes Drusilla's hand and leads her away]