Whoa, soooo much to talk about.... I need to keep it quick.
For him, there is always someone dying in the distance.
That line floors me. But you need to check your tenses and bits and bobs. Here:
Him, nursing a growing, aimless rage. Her, more free than he had ever known her.
Surely that should be He, nursing and She, more free?
“It was so different then,” she thought, “so unlike the unearthly fiend that had murdered Angel. It was human once.”
Like ita, "unearthly fiend" rings wrong. But the tense is off, as well. "that had murdered Angel" needs fixing.
But this section is amazing.
Plei - no, never mind, I'll just be over there, whimpering. You rock.
Elena, the James Bond references cracked me up. And this?
Wesley sat back in his obscenely comfortable office chair, contemplating the Gordian knot that his interpersonal relationships had become. As if it wasn't hard enough working with a soulled vampire whose son you had kidnapped, a half-crazed physicist, a romantic rival for the aforementioned half-crazed physicist, an undead ex-lover who persisted in hanging around despite the beheading, and all the evil lawyers; then he had to show up.
Take the second "l" out of "souled" and it's out of the park, honey.
Elena, you are twisted. Truly, truly twisted. I love it, of course.
I can't hear Wes's voice in the last part nearly as well.
Would he plan on talking to Andrew, or would he just ignore it, unless, that is, someone else (like Lorne or Lorne, Fred and Gunn because it was so obvious) told him he should take care of it gently?
The discretely closed doors.
discreetly.
Wouldn't Andrew know Monty Python? It's a particularly geeky phenomenon, seems to me. I would think he'd be, at the least, quoting some back, even if it were just from The Holy Grail, which is probably (I think?) the most well-known Monty Python. I buy that he wouldn't know it was a group -- I didn't (embarrassed now, yes). something like:
"Oh, oh, I know this! Killer Rabbit!" (or) Ni! Ni!"
this part:
Wesley stared down at Andrew, letting himself enjoy the trust and worship the young man offered.
"It's okay, Wesley." Andrew lifted a hand and patted a stubbled cheek comfortingly. "It's okay for a man to have a crush on another man."
(love that line!)
"And what," Wesley thought, "can you do but lose yourself in such a wonderfully kind person." He smiled and lowered his head to kiss Andrew, quite thoroughly.
I would maybe change to something like:
Wesley stared down at Andrew.
"It's okay, Wesley." Andrew lifted a hand and patted a stubbled cheek comfortingly. "It's okay for a man to have a crush on another man."
"And what," Wesley thought, "am I to do with that?" He smiled and lowered his head to kiss Andrew, quite thoroughly.
They slid to the floor in a graceful twist of limbs, hands moving slowly, exploring each the other.
Andrew and graceful don't mix in my head very well.
I like the end, funny!
See, I like the graceful thing, because honestly, I think Andrew moves beautifully. I've had moments of watching him where I wondered if he hadn't been a dancer somewhere along the line; he's very easy in his own skin.
Am has some notes on a Dru I think is going to be spectacular, whenever she gets the story finished. hint. hint.
One day, Deena. One day.
Elena, I love it. Nice Andrew voice.
Elena,
I do like the new ending to the first part, very much, and I hope I haven't frustrated you with too much nitpicking. If I have, I'm sorry. It's a good story as it stands. Those are just my thoughts at the moment. I've got my yahoo messenger open if you want to talk about it more.
You have not frustrated me, Deena. I
want
the feedback. And I like your nitpicks.
Deb, do you know that spellcheck doesn't recognise
any
variation of 'souled'? I'm never sure if it's single or double 'l', but now I'll remember.
Goodness, all day I've been making its/it's and your/you're mistakes, which I never normally do.
Deena, how about if I change Wes' thinking about the crush to this -
Wes wished he could just ignore Andrew's crush, as Angel had Fred's, but that had ended so badly. "I'm just going to have to talk to the lad. Once I'm not so busy." He looked at his uncluttered desk. "Or maybe I'll ask Lorne to do it."
Oh, I like that a lot.
Does Wes use lad? I think boy sounds more like him. I could be wrong.
