The job would drive me mad, because calling people who might not want to hear from me gives me mental hives. Hubby gets this weird vibe going with folks and they'll talk to him where they'd just hang up on others. He does a very good "I'm from wherever you are" fake, so people think they're talking to a neighbor. He's also a scarily good salesman, but no one wants to hire a greying man who walks a little stiffer than he used to, they all want happy polished young people who look good but can't connect with people.

And I have a tiara on my head. I think I shall always wear my tiara when it's time to write.

Angelus/Big Rubber Satan Song Fic.

Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my hart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

I remember him standing there, mouth stained crimson with blood, eyes flashing like guineas, a certain come-hither glint in them as he looked at me. Why, why does he deny me?

Alas my loue, ye do me wrong,
  to cast me off discurteously:
And I haue loued you so long
  Delighting in your companie.
Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my heart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

I don't understand it. Is it the girl? Is she prettier than me? Can she kill as well as me? I thought what we had... I thought it was special. I thought I was special. But he doesn't even acknowledge that we once had something.

I haue been readie at your hand,
  to grant what euer you would craue.
I haue both waged life and land,
  your loue and good will for to haue.
    Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my hart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

What is it going to take? I've tried everything. I've said it with lawyers (he's not the type to which one says it with flowers), I've said it with fire. I've wiped out all those who would dare to remove the last bottle of his favorite product from the shelves, and all to no avail.

I bought three kerchers to thy head,
  that were wrought fine and gallantly:
I kept thee both boord and bed,
  Which cost my purse wel fauouredly,
   Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my hart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

I've even tried co-parenting, with the fruit of his large, unfaithful loins. Spare the rod, spoil the child. But he doesn't seem to appreciate it when I spank the lad.

I bought thee peticotes of the best,
  the cloth so fine as might be:
I gaue thee iewels for thy chest,
  and all this cost I spent on thee.
    Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my hart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

I've blotted out the sun for him. Does he even appreciate how hard that was? Does he even remember that my night vision isn't the best? Everything I do, I do for him, and for my troubles, he has his puny minions attempt to exile me. I don't understand.

Thy smock of silk, both faire and white,
  with gold embrodered gorgeously:
Thy peticote of Sendall right:
  and thus I bought thee gladly.
    Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my hart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

Such good times we had, nestled together under eiderdown, plotting the demise of our enemies, acting out scenes of torture on each other's bodies. The sweet satin of his flesh as hard as the iron chains he bound me with, the sweeter taste of maids and manservants--by the end of our honeymoon, there wasn't an agency on Europe willing to work with us.

Thy girdle of gold so red,
  with pearles bedecked sumptuously:
The like no other lasses had,
  and yet thou wouldst not loue me,
    Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my hart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

Where did I go wrong?

Angelus, was every sweet nothing you whispered just a lie? Have I come so far for nothing?

My gayest gelding I thee gaue,
  To ride where euer liked thee,
No Ladie euer was so braue,
  And yet thou wouldst not loue me.
    Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my hart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

And now it's me who is gelded, my manhood undone by his cruel indifference. My mother was right when she told me to never trust a vampire.

For euerie morning when thou rose,
  I sent thee dainties orderly:
To cheare thy stomack from all woes,
  and yet thou wouldst not loue me.
    Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my hart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

Maids. Manservants. Every morning. For three months. Then one morning I woke up, and he was gone, leaving not so much as a note on my pillow. Is it too much to ask for an explanation?

And who did pay for all this geare,
  that thou didst spend when pleased thee?
Euen I that am reiected here,
  and thou disdainst to loue me.
    Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my hart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

Heartbroken, alone, and without funds. That's how he left me. And yet I still love him, still dream of his tender touch upon my brow, his fangs digging into my flesh.

Wel, I wil pray to God on hie,
  that thou my constancie maist see:
And that yet once before I die,
  thou wilt vouchsafe to loue me.
    Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my hart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

He has to see it, has to know. He will come for me. He will come to me.

Greensleeues now farewel adue,
  God I pray to prosper thee:
For I am stil thy louer true,
  come once againe and loue me.
    Greensleeues was all my ioy,
  Greensleeues was my delight:
Greensleeues was my hart of gold,
  And who but Ladie Greensleeues.

Oh yes, he will be mine.

~fin~

claps

That was ... neat!

Big Rubber Satan needs love too.

I've wiped out all those who would dare to remove the last bottle of his favorite product from the shelves, and all to no avail.

still snerking from this...

BWAH.

the fruit of his large, unfaithful loins

I think I hurt myself.

A snippet from the V!Giles series, a quiet moment before the madness begins...

Joyce allowed Buffy to do most of the work for breakfast. Dawn appeared with her backpack, kissed her mother, and began eating quickly.

"Slow down, honey," Joyce said. "No one's going to take it away from you."

"Janice is going to stop by and we're walking to school. She'll be here any minute."

Buffy looked up from putting away the milk and frowned. "Willow and Tara walked you yesterday."

"Duh, they have class this morning, they don't have time to come down here and still make their class."

Buffy started to say something, then glanced at Joyce and frowned again.

"When are your classes, Buffy?" Joyce asked.

"Uh, well ..."

A loud knocking on the door distracted them all. Dawn snatched up an apple as she grabbed her backpack. "That'll be Janice. Bye, Mom, Buffy."

Buffy followed her to the door, making sure that it was indeed Janice at the door. A group of three girls waited for Dawn, all girls that Buffy had seen before. She waved Dawn on her way, reassured at least that the sneaky guys who worked for Glory probably weren't going to bother that many people in broad daylight.

Once Dawn and her friends were out of sight, Buffy went back to the kitchen. "So, Mom, you want anything else for breakfast?"

"No, that's OK. Don't you have class today?"

"Nope, I'm class-free." Buffy picked up Dawn's dishes and dumped the half-eaten eggs into the trash.

"But you didn't go to class yesterday, either. Won't your professors get angry?" Joyce saw the way Buffy wasn't looking at her. "Buffy?"

"I, um--I don't have any classes. I stopped going."

Joyce started to get to her feet, but her body wouldn't cooperate. "Buffy, you dropped out? Tell me you didn't drop out."

Buffy shrugged helplessly. "I didn't have time, I've had too many other things to do."

"Nothing is more important than your education."

Buffy turned and looked at her mother. "*You're* more important, Mom. Dawn's more important." She sighed. "And keeping the world from ending is more important. Kind of hard to concentrate on Cultural Trends in the Modern Novel when I'm trying to figure out what Glory's going to do next."

"But I thought that's what Giles--oh. That's right."

"Yeah. My support system kind of got gutted. It's--not been a good year."

Joyce took a deep breath. "Well, when we get everything straightened out, we'll get you signed back up and you can pick up where you left off. And the doctors said there were home nurses who could come in, you might be able to keep up with a couple of your classes--"

"I am not leaving you alone with some stranger! I can take care of you."

"I don't want to be a burden to you, Buffy." Joyce looked away, blinking quickly. "That's the last thing I want, to be a burden."

Buffy went to her side, crouching down to look her mother in the face. "I can take care of you. I want to take care of you."

Joyce saw lines on her daughter's face, lines of worry and fear and woe. With all the horrors in a Slayer's life, Joyce despised being yet another thing for Buffy to be troubled over.

Buffy took Joyce's hands. "I'm going to take care of you. It's not going to be some stranger, it's going to be me. I'm going to take care of you, and you're going to get better and stronger, and everything's going to be all right, and--"

Joyce leaned over to hug Buffy as hard as she could, cutting off her daughter's tears. "Yes. Everything's going to be all right."

... as if.