Dark grey, slight pattern to the weave.
No rug burn. Just a little something.
'Bushwhacked'
Where the Buffistas let their fanfic creative juices flow. May contain erotica.
Dark grey, slight pattern to the weave.
No rug burn. Just a little something.
Exactly 500 words of S4 AtS ficcage up in the LJ. Finished. Complete. Not my usual pairing. Warnings, etc, at the top.
Good voice, Plei.
Connie, you're going to break me with Alive!Joyce. Sniff. In a good way, I mean.
I'm posting this for Anya G. I figured this was the best place to put it.
"Eat Healthy", a BTVS episode
TV Guide summary: Things come to a dark pass when there is no breakfast because Willow accidentally inhaled the pancake mix. An already-burdened Buffy struggles with the effects of the Zucchini of Despair.
----------------------------
Act I
Exterior: Sleepy streets of Sunnydale. Morning. A wolf howls mournfully in the distance.
Cut to:
CU of sleeping Buffy. She wakes up, opens her eyes and bursts into tears.
Cut to:
Willow, sitting cross legged on the kitchen counter, chanting.
Willow: I'm happy. I want to embrace the world... (her chanting grows more urgent) I want to tickle the world... (now frantic) I want to bite it! I want to take it all in!
A near by box of pancake mix starts to open.
Willow: (frenzied) I want to TAKE IT ALL IN! (gasps)
Pancake mix flies out of the box and into Willow's nose.
Willow: AAACHEEW! (beat) Oops.
Cut to:
Buffy: I... wanted some pancakes... It hurts Willow. It hurts that you inhaled the mix.
Willow: Buffy. I'm so sorry. I'll never forgive myself. Never, Buffy.
Buffy is silent. Struggles with herself. Willow watches her stony face while nervously eating the newspaper.
Beat.
Buffy: OK. We'll have eggs.
Buffy takes eggs out if the fridge and turns, eggs in her hand. Willow opens the cupboards under the sink to throw the pancake box in the garbage bag there.
Suddenly...
Spike: (popping out of the garbage bag): Hey! I'm trying to sleep!
Slow motion: Buffy gasps and lets go of the eggs. They crash on the floor.
Slow motion: Willow turns around and drops the empty box. It falls to the ground with a thud, like the fall of a coffin into a previously empty grave.
Beat.
Buffy: (Staring into space) I saw them. I saw the eggs fall. They just slipped...
Willow: Buffy...
Buffy: They were perfect. Smooth. Round. Now they are nothing.
Spike: Slayer...
Buffy: I know what I have to do.
Buffy storms out of the house. Spike and Willow look at each other.
Worried. Bereft. Lost.
Act II
Interior: grocery store. Camera swoops down the aisles and comes to a
door marked "Employees Only". Inside, it's very dark. A clerk sits on the
floor in a circle of candles . There is a zucchini in front of him.
Clerk: Goddess Anhedonia! Grant me the power to screw with people's
heads with the Zucchini of Despair!
There is a blue flash.
Clerk: I feel powerful... Yet... What's the fucking point, really
(Bursts into tears).
He picks up the zucchini and exits, sobbing the entire time.
Cut to:
Buffy, pushing a cart in the produce aisle.
Buffy: Vegetables. Dawn needs to eat vegetables. And I must supply them...
Buffy passes a pile of zucchinis and stops, as if mesmerized.
Buffy: Vegetables...
She picks up a zucchini.
CU: Her eyes widen. Camera pans down the aisles. They are empty, or so it appears to Buffy.
Interior: Summers' kitchen.
Buffy is slumped in the chair, rocking back and forth. Buffy's face is covered in tears and large glassy eyes.
Buffy: I couldn't do it. There was nothing.
Spike and Willow exchange a look.
Cut to Spike and Willow in the living room.
Spike: We have to.
Willow: It seems wrong...
Spike: You saw her. You saw what it did to her.
Willow: It was partly your fault.
Spike: And partly yours.
Willow: You're right. We have to fix it. We have to save Buffy's breakfast. Whatever it takes!
Cut to:
Exterior: Casa Summers. Pan to the neighbours' house.
Interior: Neighbours' house.
3 people, students by the look of it, are puttering around the kitchen. One of then wanders into the living room. It's a peaceful domestic scene until:
Neighbour #1: Dude! Thers is a naked guy on our lawn!
Cut to:
Exterior: Neighbour's lawn. 3 astonished people are looking at a naked Spike on their lawn. (Spike is not on fire because he is in the shadow of the lawn tree. Let's make that really clear. Overexpose, underexpose, dye the film with Manic Panic--I don't care, just make sure it's a really dark shadow).
Spike grins and emits a whistle.
Cut to:
Willow, lurking at the back if the neighbours' house. She hears Spike's whistle and opens the door. The door is unlocked in accordance with Sunnydale tradition. Willow scurries around the neighbours' kitchen, stealing food. There are excited voices on the lawn but we don't hear what they are saying.
Cut to:
Interior: Summers' kitchen.
A pile of food before Buffy. She continues to cry. Camera pans down her face, to her hands and we can see that she's still clutching the zuccchini.
Act III
Willow: Buffy...That zucchini you're holding...I can sense something's wrong with it.
Buffy looks up, and at that moment the neighbours burst in.
Neighbours: You stole our breakfast!
Willow: (edges in front of the food-laden counter) I don't know what...
Buffy: You stole their breakfast?!!
Neighbours: (lunge at Willow)
Buffy: (lunges at Willow)
Spike: No! It was me!
Buffy: You stole their breakfast? (lunges at Spike)
Neighbours: No, he didn't ! Lay off the naked guy! (lunge at Buffy)
Melee ensues, with humourous destruction of the premises.
Buffy, looking for a handy weapon, grabs the zucchini and smashes Spike on the head with it. The zucchini explodes.
Blue flash.
Eveyone is knocked on his or her ass.
Beat.
Beat.
CU on Buffy. A look of realization on her face.
Buffy: I see it. I was so wrong. I didn't understand. But I see it now.
Willow: (crawling out of a corner) What, Buffy?
Buffy: (slowly stands up) It's OK to lose sometimes. It's OK if breakfast doesn't pan out. There are other meals during the day!
Willow: (slowly stands up) It's true! There's lunch!
Spike: (slowly stands up) And there is dinner!
Beat. We notice that Spike is still naked.
Beat. The silence is deafening.
Beat.
Neighbour: Hey, naked guy? Would you like to be my dinner?
Cut to: Summers' lawn.
Buffy and Spike, in profile.
The walkway an unbridgeable abyss between them.
Buffy: So this is it? This is your solution? You are moving in with THEM?
Spike: Yes. They are nice to me. They don't beat me and they *like* it when I'm naked.
Buffy: I...I'm sorry. I guess I took the nudity for granted.
CU on Spike. He tries to hide his ambivalence, but it's kind of big.
Spike: Good-bye, Buffy.
He leaves.
CU on Buffy. She stares after Spike or possibly at the lighting crew.
Her face reflects the turmoil of someone with a medium intensity intestinal
cramp.
FIN
Note: The neighbours are such rich material! They could work so well in the season arc. They could be evil Goths who plan to turn the entire world into a tube of black lipstick! Joss, what are your thoughts?
Heh, heh, heh.
He tries to hide his ambivalence, but it's kind of big.
Heh.
t giggle
Clerk: Goddess Anhedonia! Grant me the power to screw with people's heads with the Zucchini of Despair!
Clerk: I feel powerful... Yet... What's the fucking point, really
BWAH!!!!