We don't want a big shindig at all. It's a Thing. The extended family of Greek cousins is moneyed and they have very elaborate events, and everybody keeps score and it's a conspicuous display. Some of the cousins live well beyond their means to maintain this form of hierarchical posturing. That ain't us. And the sooner her Dad adjusts his expectations on this subject, the better.

Sorry, I thought it was more a matter of money and concern for your father than being against a big family gathering in general.

It's probably best to set those boundaries now.

You'd have thought the extremely uncomfortable sit-down with the wedding planner would've been sufficient.

FiL: "Well, I'm not comfortable about the way the wedding is being planned."
Me: "Well, you're gonna have to suck it up. Because if it comes down to me being uncomfortable on my wedding day, or you being uncomfortable, it's gonna be you."

FiL: "Well, I'm not comfortable about the way the wedding is being planned."

Me: "Well, you're gonna have to suck it up. Because if it comes down to me being uncomfortable on my wedding day, or you being uncomfortable, it's gonna be you."

I wish my friends and wedding clients would say this! What happens to people around these family events that makes them give up their own needs and desires?

I wish my friends and wedding clients would say this! What happens to people around these family events that makes them give up their own needs and desires?

I don't know. Somebody else footing the bill? The compromise turned out to be that our caterer (who we adored) offerred her services to oversee the entire reception, and FiL was mollified by that.

So I wasn't entirely intransigent. Just of the mind that if he had any strongly held opinions about the wedding, he should go have his own.

I wish my friends and wedding clients would say this! What happens to people around these family events that makes them give up their own needs and desires?

Because the big teary fight with your mother (& stepfather) in front of all the other relatives 2 days before the wedding just ain't fun either. My mom didn't even go that Momzilla, but it was a close call for a while.

Somebody else footing the bill?

Even worse. What's up with, 'I'm going to pay for what will be one of the most significant events of YOUR life...and it better be done MY way.' Just doesn't seem loving or helpful. Some traditions just seem to hurt.

Yay for a great caterer though.

Sorry, I thought it was more a matter of money and concern for your father than being against a big family gathering in general.

It's both. Because I do like these relatives and they have been (a little) warmer and more open since Matilda's birth, I (though prolly not Hec) might have considered a bigger do if circumstances with David's dad were different -- but not a big giant Thing (the last family baptism involved a formal sit-down catered meal with waiters for 60, plus two hired clowns to entertain the 15 or so kids).

A nice relaxed Buffista-baby-shower-type open house over the course of several hours where folks could come and go and slounge and smooch the baby, yes, fine, no problem. But that's a million miles from what my dad wants to do; he'd be embarrassed by it, feel it reflected ill on him (why he would feel the actions of his pushing-40 daughter and her DH with regard to their own daughter would reflect on him in any way is beyond me anyhow, but whatev).

Which is all moot with the state of David's dad's health, but even if he were pink and glowing, the way my dad's side of the family does things is not the way either David or I want to do them. Period.

My mom didn't even go that Momzilla, but it was a close call for a while.

I've never worked a wedding (and there have been MANY), where someone doesn't go some form of 'zilla. I don't mean to be glib...of course anything that involves such a significant expenditure and so many details is bound to cause tension of some sort, but it boggles my mind how consistent the patterns are...women turning into something they aren't in real life, financiers wielding unfair power, tears, tears, tears.

The only bad thing that happened at my wedding yonks ago was that my maid of honor got lost and missed the whole shebang...that and the goofy, 80 year old witness trying to plant a big wet one on me at the end. yesh.

Sadly, it will probbably take 3 or 4 times before it sinks in. and there may be other times when you look at him and say "you know we don't do things that way" I think that is the line to practice. blech. Happily , Matt's family has left me out of things. I wouldn't mind being closer, but I never fell into any plans and schemes. I think there were some attempts , but I never responded properly. Of course, I expect people to believe me when I say no, so I tend to get confused by them asking or suggesting the same thing again.

Also, {{{{JZ & Hec}}}} Family is stressful, and I'm sorry about the paternal asshattery. If I can help in any way, please let me know.