Spike's Bitches 33: Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else
[NAFDA] Spike-centric discussion. Lusty, lewd (only occasionally crude), risque (and frisque), bawdy (Oh, lawdy!), flirty ('cuz we're purty), raunchy talk inside. Caveat lector.
One of the really common traits between all of them is the inability to pick up on nonverbal social cues.
Oh, so very this.
I'm really glad tommyrot brought up the subject again, because it reminded me that I'd meant to respond to it last week and then had an ADD moment. Beej, you mentioned in your original post that your friend had advised you not to bring it up to Fela because it would "give him an out" -- and this week I'm
once again
sputtering about the incredible wrongness (and, frankly, cruelty) of that.
If he does have Aspie's, then he's got a lifelong issue that makes it really hard for him to do things that other people find not just easy but very valuable; I'm sure he's
very
aware that there's an issue there, even if he's not yet aware that there are resources that can help. And even if he only has some Aspie-like symptoms, or a borderline case, approaches based on building workarounds for the behavior - ranging from a partner giving cues to CBT - can really make a big difference. To suggest that he should be denied the information because he'll use it as an excuse for being an asshole... Oy.
ranging from a partner giving cues to CBT
And in the department of there-are-no-coincidences, I've been reading about CBT on and off all day. Not for ADD, but still.
I've done that with my children, Teppy. They all need to learn some emotional control (particularly Chris). Our code phrase ended up being, "Beach it." I asked him to think of some place he loved to be, that made him happy, because when he cries, he bawls, you know? We've had some good success with it.
Which I can see as good in many ways, but even I was getting a tiny bit tired of pasta, bread, and cheese.
I've heard people get tired of pasta, bread and cheese, but I'm having trouble coming to terms with it. I guess I'll have to go to Italy.
Steph, you must be reading our mail.
Fela has asked me to put my hand on him in public when he gets too loud or aggressive in making a point. Sometimes I'm happy to do that, sometimes I'm weary of being his keeper. So, at the moment we aren't doing any social or group things together. One or two friends is fine, but groups are just too taxing. He responds badly...including to me and then later, when I'm angry or disappointed, expresses the feelings he was having at the time. I have told him multiple times that all he has to do is tell me he's uncomfortable and I'll be right there to support him...or we can just leave...honestly, there are so many options! But since we don't have a very good understanding between us, he tends to lump me in with his stressors and it is wearing me out.
He says that he was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid...but he doesn't seem to do anything about it. He has multiple excuses but not much relief.
I can take his rudeness to me, or to strangers with a grain of salt, but when he's brushing my friends aside to get through a door first, or making rude requests, or taking weird credit for things that just don't make sense, I have trouble brushing it off.
I'm squeezing my fingers crossed that the medical stuff will bring some relief but I'm not counting on any miracles at this point.
Fela has asked me to put my hand on him in public when he gets too loud or aggressive in making a point. Sometimes I'm happy to do that, sometimes I'm weary of being his keeper.
Fela must be a relative of Hubby. After twenty years, Hubby's learning to listen to my cues in public. I suppose I should care more about whether the world at large thinks he's an annoying loudmouth or not, but too many times he's the only guy making any sense, so I let him steamroller the peons. This may have more to do with my issues than his.
sometimes I'm weary of being his keeper
And *you,* my dear, are reading *my* mail. Like I said, The Boy doesn't have problems with reading social cues, but in terms of disorganization/distractedness/accomplishing stuff, he says that I keep him on track, but it makes me feel -- too often -- like a parent. Or that I'm responsible for whether or not he gets his to-do list done. I love him madly, but I don't want to be his keeper. And then, I *know* it's not laziness, and it's not deliberate; I know it's driven by his ADD. So then I feel bad for not wanting to be his keeper.
There needs to be social cues helper monkeys.
There needs to be social cues helper monkeys.
They could fling poo (or, if you will, dive into the guacamole), thereby taking the focus off of the person who isn't catching all the social cues!
"I'm sorry, I have to step away a moment - my monkey says I'm being an asshole."
amych, I feel the same way. Setting Fela up is not a part of my plan. I'm just worried about saying to someone who is struggling with feeling like something is wrong with him...that there really IS something he has to deal with beyond just learning some manners.
I'm sure he's very aware that there's an issue there, even if he's not yet aware that there are resources that can help.
He is acutely aware. And it is so painful.
I joke with my clients that Oprah, the purveyor of all modern wisdom, hit it on the head when she said, "When someone tells you who they are in the beginning, believe them." Fela said, when we first started dating, that he was afraid there was something wrong with his brain. He'd been told that in a couple of different contexts. I went into solution mode and showed him all sorts of ways in which this thinking was factually incorrect. And that part has been great for both of us...but this last bit may not be so inaccurate.
