Steph, you must be reading our mail.

Fela has asked me to put my hand on him in public when he gets too loud or aggressive in making a point. Sometimes I'm happy to do that, sometimes I'm weary of being his keeper. So, at the moment we aren't doing any social or group things together. One or two friends is fine, but groups are just too taxing. He responds badly...including to me and then later, when I'm angry or disappointed, expresses the feelings he was having at the time. I have told him multiple times that all he has to do is tell me he's uncomfortable and I'll be right there to support him...or we can just leave...honestly, there are so many options! But since we don't have a very good understanding between us, he tends to lump me in with his stressors and it is wearing me out.

He says that he was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid...but he doesn't seem to do anything about it. He has multiple excuses but not much relief.

I can take his rudeness to me, or to strangers with a grain of salt, but when he's brushing my friends aside to get through a door first, or making rude requests, or taking weird credit for things that just don't make sense, I have trouble brushing it off.

I'm squeezing my fingers crossed that the medical stuff will bring some relief but I'm not counting on any miracles at this point.

Fela has asked me to put my hand on him in public when he gets too loud or aggressive in making a point. Sometimes I'm happy to do that, sometimes I'm weary of being his keeper.

Fela must be a relative of Hubby. After twenty years, Hubby's learning to listen to my cues in public. I suppose I should care more about whether the world at large thinks he's an annoying loudmouth or not, but too many times he's the only guy making any sense, so I let him steamroller the peons. This may have more to do with my issues than his.

sometimes I'm weary of being his keeper

And *you,* my dear, are reading *my* mail. Like I said, The Boy doesn't have problems with reading social cues, but in terms of disorganization/distractedness/accomplishing stuff, he says that I keep him on track, but it makes me feel -- too often -- like a parent. Or that I'm responsible for whether or not he gets his to-do list done. I love him madly, but I don't want to be his keeper. And then, I *know* it's not laziness, and it's not deliberate; I know it's driven by his ADD. So then I feel bad for not wanting to be his keeper.

There needs to be social cues helper monkeys.

There needs to be social cues helper monkeys.

They could fling poo (or, if you will, dive into the guacamole), thereby taking the focus off of the person who isn't catching all the social cues!

"I'm sorry, I have to step away a moment - my monkey says I'm being an asshole."

amych, I feel the same way. Setting Fela up is not a part of my plan. I'm just worried about saying to someone who is struggling with feeling like something is wrong with him...that there really IS something he has to deal with beyond just learning some manners.

I'm sure he's very aware that there's an issue there, even if he's not yet aware that there are resources that can help.

He is acutely aware. And it is so painful.

I joke with my clients that Oprah, the purveyor of all modern wisdom, hit it on the head when she said, "When someone tells you who they are in the beginning, believe them." Fela said, when we first started dating, that he was afraid there was something wrong with his brain. He'd been told that in a couple of different contexts. I went into solution mode and showed him all sorts of ways in which this thinking was factually incorrect. And that part has been great for both of us...but this last bit may not be so inaccurate.

Fela must be a relative of Hubby. After twenty years, Hubby's learning to listen to my cues in public. I suppose I should care more about whether the world at large thinks he's an annoying loudmouth or not, but too many times he's the only guy making any sense, so I let him steamroller the peons.

If only he were making sense all the time. One of the things I appreciate about him most is that we are more politically aligned than anyone I've ever been with...but despite being demonstrably intelligent, he'll let some really not smart things fly out of his face...or, he'll respond to something that was said many minutes ago without realizing that the convo has taken two 90 degree turns since then. It makes my throat clench painfully when I see the looks on people's faces as they try to hide their disrespect.

I'd pay for a helper monkey...Steph, my shoulders are slumped around my navel with the weariness of being the parent. I know that people get into relationships for very symbiotic reasons. For me, having the opportunity to feel superior...after an early lifetime of no. power. or safety at. all., is occasionally recreational. I'm not proud of that by any stretch...and I'm seeing how it doesn't help me or Fela for this dynamic to continue.

As I've said before, he's a good friend. I swear, if we weren't seeing each other on any given Sunday, I think he'd come over just to take my trash out for me. He's wildly consistent with that. And he loves Bartleby. And he supports my business goals and stuff to a heartwarming degree. And, no lie, he's the best...um...most talented...um...okay, let's just say he's really good...which carries a great deal of weight with me...but and I never thought I'd say this...it just doesn't seem enough.

I don't have the best social skills and often barge around like a bull in a china shop. It's more to do with my lack of socialization at key periods in my life coupled with being depressed or manic. I realized the other day I was saying something and it wasn't the best idea and I tried to make a note of it.

I'm just worried about saying to someone who is struggling with feeling like something is wrong with him...that there really IS something he has to deal with beyond just learning some manners.

I don't know your Fela but it might be a relief for him. I know the times I've been diagnosised with stuff (bipolar disorder, PCOS, and even the mis diagnosis of depression) it was a relief. Because there was a reason for it (mania, weight gain, depression, etc) that was out of my control. But there was some logic to it and I wasn't just broken in some bizarre way that no one else ever was or could understand. It was also a relief to know there are other people who go through similiar things and tools (medicine, therapy,etc) to make changes that I wanted but could never on my own.

He will sometimes seem so defeated (and dare I say it, passive) in the face of his problems that I really worry about making it worse. I hope that, at least puruing an option, will be a relief.

The medical stuff has been a real struggle. I've bordered on nagging in terms of my contention that being so miserable is just not normal and does not need to be borne. He will, in turn, stick with anything a doctor tells him to do...for as long as he tells him to do it...even when it isn't working. It's maddening.