What methods do folks use to turn off their tapes? What scripts do you refer to? What alerts you that you're hearing a tape? How do you get beyond it?

When I wonder if I did the right thing in marrying Hubby, I picture life without him--especially in light of who I was when I married him. I became stronger and more confident because of Hubby, so in the scales of truth I'm probably ahead of the game.

I know I'm hearing a tape because my thoughts make me unhappy. Normally I get on quite well with myself. I know the identities of the mind creatures that try to sabotage me, so I'm able to look them in the "eye" and say "You're full of crap and we both know it."

The cast of characters:

The Puritan Caucus--a group of men in old-fashioned dress, behind a table. They think what I write is utterly unworthy of my talents--if I have any--and upbringing. I countered them with the feedback from lovely strangers, and they have subsided to muttering about the inappropriateness of slash. They occassionally have good ideas and primarily want courtesy paid to them.

Otis--the old man sitting in front of the feedstore and spitting tobacco juice more or less into a can. He tells filthy jokes and makes me laugh when he's not embarassing me with the truth.

But then there's Otis' sister, Martha, AKA The Old Woman Who Hates Me. She I've fought with most. She's always watching, always judging, always finding fault. She wears a long black dress with a thin white linen collar, and she sits stiffly upright in a hard chair with a large black purse on her lap. Nothing I've done with most of my life has pleased her, and she's taken glee in telling me how I've wasted myself and my potential. I keep an eye on her, because if I don't watch her, she slinks off into the corners and stabs me in the back.

I believe I finally beat her when I asked her for help, because I need that rock-certain stubbornness to cope with the eternal surgeries and illnesses of Hubby. She's not certain how to cope with me as a grown-up, and I don't trust her, but for now some of awful hate is gone from her eyes.

It may be odd to populate my neuroses with names and personalities, but it's cheaper than a guy with a doctorate.

When I start the tapes my therapist told me first to get out of the tape loop and to just let myself have the feeling I am having right that moment. The tapes are a way we develop while growing up of dealing with scary feelings, but they keep us away from the feelings themselves. Feelings, even the worst of them, are transitory. If one just goes, "I am lonely. I feel lonely right now." and acknowledges the feeling, that will pass faster than starting the "No one will ever love me. I'll die alone." loop, which can go on and on and keep reinforcing the feeling. I try to do something positive when I get in a loop, because I have learned that eating a ton of M&Ms helps while I am eating them, but is followed by feeling even worse. Of course, I didn't learn this until my 40s, so the rest of you have plenty of time....

I think Robin's therapist is my therapist.

Another tape that I have is the Why Is Your Gut So Huge? The way that I try to counteract it is to remember that I think my face is pretty nice. So what if I have a spare tire, I'm still pretty damned cute! I also think about that old saying about choosing your ass (losing weight) vs. choosing your face (keeping some poundage to keep your face youthful). I've always believed in choosing the face. I just have to remind myself of this when the Gut tape plays.

We will not discuss the huge, HUGE issues I have with The Velveteen Rabbit.

This was when I knew Robert was perfect for me. With both VR and The Giving Tree, he just can't make himself identify with the humans in the stories. He will not discuss VR.

I recognize the tapes because they are so familiar and I can sing along without thinking about it. Actually, sliding into those mental paths feels temptingly comfortable, like an old pair of jeans. I use the simple expedient of visualizing a big STOP sign to break the process, and then figure out how best to address it (make something, exercise, talk to people, take meds).

My tapes are pretty simple.

You Did Something To Deserve This.
But What If You Just Buckled Down And Tried?
They're Just Humouring You.
Could You Be More Ungrateful?
and...
You Haven't Done Enough.

As for short-circuiting those tapes--you can do that? These days I just get distracted by a migraine.

These days I just get distracted by a migraine.

See above re: not healthy ways to deal with the tapes.

You can totally short circuit them. You know at the end of 8 Mile Cheddar asks Rabbit what the other guy is gonna say and then laundry lists the stuff that Rabbit ends up doing the freestyle about? If you do that with your tapes, they gets all futzed and short circuited and takes them longer to repair themselves than if you just stress over them and feel like crap about yourself. Just acknowledging that you feel that way makes the tape go OMGWTFPOLARBEAR and then pass out.

Nice Boy not only likes carrots, TB is doing constant carrot recipe searches to find more things he might like.

Food Wooing is a strong suit of mine.

So far we have hits with my split pea soup, my zucchini soup, and the tamales that nobody knows where else to buy. Soon soon SOON I say he will develop a cold and three and a half cups of chicken soup will come out of my freezer and be dropped off at his office.

Oh yes, he will be mine.

I think Aimee's on to something there.

The Giving Tree, he just can't make himself identify with the humans in the stories.

Oh, I have such a visceral hatred for that book.

Ah, but I get the migraines whether or not the tape is playing. I can't sustain much of anything--attention, mood, effort, because there's a headache around every corner, every few hours.

Thing is, some of my tapes have a point. It's just that once they get past the point of motivation, they become dangerous.