{{Erin}}

{{Hil}} and {{Beej}} Take care of yourselves, ladies!

good enough parenting

I subscribe to good enough schooling. I work full time and go to school part time. Sometimes, just passing is good enough. Sometimes, I have to miss class because of work (see yesterday). Oftentimes, it's good enough.

totally true. Come on, you know that I don't lie to make people feel better. I love Em.

I do know that. THank you , love.

and hearing you with her on the phone

Now see, I thought you would have heard her screaming for "FOOD FOOOD!" and me saying, "No, you can't have food." would have had you caling the authorities.

She's so funny. We went to a big consignment sale last night and she got a Thomas toy thingie. I had no idea she even knew who Thomas was until she found this toy. Now, it has replaced the balls as her Very Favorite Thing. First thing morning, "THOMAS! THOMAS! THOMAS! MY THOMAS!"

I forsee sharing being an issue.

As an example...at Emily's graduation party I couldn't find bowls to put the dip in. Emily finally looked at me and said, "What do you need bowls for? Put them out in the containers. That way everyone knows what's in them." I was like, "Ok. I guess that's what Hec would call 'good enough.'"

It is the basis for most of my mental health! There are a few places where I don't cut myself slack. When I write I hold myself to a very high standard. I don't give up on a sentence until it's as good as my talent can make it. (However good that is.)

And with parenting I don't let myself Not Show Up. You know? A huge part of parenting is just getting up in the middle of the night and doing the errands and making sure there are clean clothes. No matter how tired or sick or cranky or irritable I am, I suck that up and Show Up for my parenting responsibilities. I think that over the long haul that provides a lot of emotional security for your kid. Just knowing Mom and Dad are definitely going to be there, no matter what.

The other place where I really work hard in parenting is patience. Not just reacting to stuff, but forcing myself to really listen and respond. To be respectful to Emmett. (And Matilda when that will matter to her.)

After that there are places where I do try to check myself regularly, but it's not so much a Should as in the realm of Correction. You could do better. Somewhere between Amends and personal improvement.

Could I be a better husband? Yes. Be nicer. Be more patient. Could I do a better job at work? Yes. Try to focus. Do the fucking filing and maintenance work and not just the hot thing in front of you. Could I be more positive on the board? Yes. Being a bubbling pit of negativity kind of sucks for everybody. Give more back. (I credit Nutty for making me think about this in a more conscious way.)

Like that.

you don't want to be some old lady with a little kid.

Heh. I'm gonna be in my fucking sixties when Matilda is in high school.

See, this makes me feel better about being indecisive. You are youthful and I'm sure still will be in your 60s. I'm 36, but I read comics, go see bands all the time, and I keep up with new music, trends, etc. I don't see that changing anytime soon. I am generally perceived as younger than I am. Not that any of this matters in terms of parenting, but again, it's part of that silly-ass tape. "Don't be waiting too long, you old hag!"

Growing old is optional, right?

Uh. People put dip out in bowls?

I consider dip in the container to be flat-out "good," not "good enough."

I am so white trash.

BWAH! No! Not white trash. I'm just...um...worse than Martha Stewart when it comes to setting a table. I was educated by my mother, who was educated by her MIL. It can be a beautiful thing, but it can also be a chore.

There are a few places where I don't cut myself slack. When I write I hold myself to a very high standard. I don't give up on a sentence until it's as good as my talent can make it. (However good that is.)

It's funny that you should use that example. That's one place that I've had to let go. I can work on a piece, a sentence, a word, for years and never finish something because of it. My old therapist and I instituted the three draft rule for school writing, because I would have 20 drafts and make myself crazy before I'd actually finish something. I still don't stick to the three draft rule, but it's helped me SO much to let go of that a bit.

Like that.

And I think that's a very healthy way of looking at it.

Yeah, one of my DH's friends from high school and his BF are talking about having (well, okay, adopting) kids, and DHsF has been writing DH for advice: "I mean, I'm not old, but I am almost 40. And by the time an adoption comes through we'll be 40, and retiring about the time the kid goes to college." It's a tape that plays for all parents, I think, with personal variations (my niece isn't even thinking that her kid will go to college, because people in her world don't...but her husband is pushing 60 right now as the kid is born).

Actually, I don't think they're tapes, unless we all got bootleg copies. They are either installed as part of the firmware, or Lamott is right and we're all tuned in to K-FUCKED.

Hec, I bookmarked your post. I know that for me, the flip side of being uber-hard on myself (not just bowls for dip but gourmet handmade dip in thematically appropriate bowls) is when I can't be perfect, I don't want to Show Up. And that's not acceptable as a parent.

This is funny because it parallels a conversation I had at work today. My co-worker, who is something of a legend in the field and has been around forever and mentored everybody, asked me two questions: 1) "You have a very high IQ, don't you?" and 2) "Why did you leave [former gov't job]?" I jokingly said "Because my IQ's too high for that job" but he was serious, so I explained that I knew what it would take to do the job to my standards, and I knew I wasn't going to make the sacrifices to do that, so rather than half-assing it and never being happy, I left.

Perfection or Not Showing Up. It's what I did with my 20s.

I appear to have in fact done my whole life in my 20s, and nothing since. So put me down for "wasting my 30s and happy about it"

{{{Erin}}}

I still don't stick to the three draft rule, but it's helped me SO much to let go of that a bit.

And that has been very healthy for you. I'm not really a perfectionist with my writing. Maybe I just have a sense of my own limits. When I refer to my "talent" I'm mostly talking about knowing the outer edge of a finite resource. Also, while my revising process isn't programmatic or mechanical, it is fairly disciplined.

There are specific things I try to improve and when I meet those particular standards they're done. I make five or six passes with a particular filter in mind. 1 - remove the passive constructions and use the active verb as much as possible. 2 - Find more vivid, sensual language to evoke it physically. Strong specific verbs, smelly nouns. Anglo over latinate when possible. 3 - Vary the rhythm in the sentences so the paragraphs work better. When I've done my due diligence like that I can almost always make my writing better.

(Slooowwwly catching up)

The greatest hits of the Insecurity Demons that live in my head include chart-topers like Everyone is Just Humoring You Because You're Crazy, Yes, He's Eventually Going to Leave Because You're Driving Him Away, You'll Never Lose Weight (with the follow-up smash hit You'll Just Gain it All Back), and the all-time sing-along favorite of Someday They'll Figure Out You're a Big Fake (You're Not That Smart).

Most of the time, I can ignore all of those. But there are days, they get in my head and nothing will shake them.

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Happy birthday, Sail! I hope you have a lovely day.

Yes, He's Eventually Going to Leave Because You're Driving Him Away

Clovis would never leave you.