Spike's Bitches 32: I think I'm sobering up.
[NAFDA] Spike-centric discussion. Lusty, lewd (only occasionally crude), risque (and frisque), bawdy (Oh, lawdy!), flirty ('cuz we're purty), raunchy talk inside. Caveat lector.
No, I'm always interested in how other people handle relationships.
Oh good. I read what I wrote and then wasn't sure if it was intrudey or explainy.
I think the thing with "Boys Night Out" or just a night out alone is that it can mean so many different things within even one relationship. Some good, some okay, some bad and some where a nice round of honesty is called for. So fucking complicated.
Might want to hang out with people you don't gel with, might want to talk "boy" in a purely not creepy kind of way, might want to pretend to be single for a night, might want to go out with people he just doesn't care about in the same way, might be bunnies.
You're angry and hurt. Easy to take things the wrong way.
or at least not be alone for the fourth night in a row
sounds to me like that was the real problem.
Here's what I am guessing - if boy's night is a tradition - as in done before - you aren't going to change it. The when and how of it - are changable. In my house - that means I have to become superrational about explaining how I feel , why I feel, with the constant reminder to both DH and myself - what do I/we want to get out of this.
I don't think it's a mtter of being not a decent person, I think it's more a style of relating. The DH can go play poker with friends for an evening and the guys can never EVER say one thing I would consider personal, yet have a great time. One guy he plays with we also spend a lot of time with as couples and with both the women in their lives are there, we all talk more about work, feelings, their kids, etc. I think my DH likes having both types of relating in his life and I can see why he wants that guy vibe sometimes. I like being around only female energy once in a while myself. It's not better, just different.
I was just gonna say - fourth night in a row is a lot of nights.
Was he out playing every night, or at work? If her was out socializing, then I would be kinda ticked myself.
He works. Boys night out isn't traditional for us. I don't do tradition. What I mean is there's never been a "I'm only going to hang out with men, dear." We have such a mixed group of friends that whether seperate or together, we're probably with mixed sex. I can't think of a time when we explicitly excluded one or the other. I don't exclude him when S and I are going out if he wants to come because they're friends too. Why would I? I'm not terribly coupley either so that's confusing. And about 1/3 of those guys are better friends with me than him.
ETA- Work. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday we see each other for a total of half an hour- until Wednesday evenings. Which works since we're both only children.
the hardest thing about marriage ( or other similar chosen relationships ) is figureing out who needs how much of what when. and understanding that these thing fluctuate - unpredictably.
Sadly, I must stop typeing , my right hand felt much better until plumbing cleanup
I don't exclude him when S and I are going out if he wants to come because they're friends too.
But this is immaterial. What you choose to do doesn't determine what he chooses to do or vice versa. It took me a LOOOONG time to learn this. I use a mantra my therapist gave me when this comes up. When. for example, my DH does something I can't understand. ike wanting to walk four miles into town in Mazatlan when it is over 100 degrees outside and we are supposed to be on vacation and the cab only costs $3, to take a recent example. The mantra when i ask myself "Why?" or say to myself "I would never ask HIM to take a cab (or whatever)" is "Because he's not me." That's all. He's not me, he deosn't think the way I think, he does things I would never do. It's a wonderful, exciting thing and it cam also be maddening.I work hard to let him be him and expect him to do the same for me.
so he broke with your usual custom. and not very gracefully. something is bugging him , even if is just stupid stuff.( or maybe one of his friends just wanted to talk to him ) so he didn't really think about what he was saying - and aac'ding to what you said earlier ,neither were you. I think you'll be able to tell him what really bugged you and why saying'no girls allowed ' added to it .Admit that you might have still been unhappy if he had gone out without you - if you had understood he just wante dsome noncouple time , you would have delt - things will work out.
