Deb, what you've just said about ego-as-defense is probably the best advice I have ever received (speaking only about my own stuff, not Susan's situation). I am not competitive. In fact competition scares me off. But I'm personally prideful (I hope that distinction makes sense). And I think ego-as-defense is probably my biggest issue when it comes to anything creative, but particularly writing. Wow. Just. Wow. Thank you. I've got to bookmark those posts.

It's not competition in the same sense that sports or politics are, because it's not like one must lose for another to win. I'm not trying to dethrone anyone, after all. There are just certain authors who I hold up as models for myself because, first, I think they do good work, and secondly because they've attained a certain level of productivity and popularity. That's the prize I'm aiming for, to be listed in the same breath as those women. I write because I love it, sure. But I'm also doing my damned best to make a career of this. And part of what that means for me is looking at writers who are already there and saying, "That's the race I'm running now, to get to where they are."

Excellence is one of my favorite concepts in all the world, though I wonder if we really mean the same thing when we talk about it. To me it's all about loving what you do and therefore holding yourself to the highest standard you're capable of because your passions deserve no less. It's about being proud that I finished a novel, but vowing that the next one will be better, and honing my craft to make it so. It's about going to choir practice every week and trying to sing as true and pure as my voice can be, and absorbing everything I can to make that voice purer and stronger and to train my ear to sight-read better. And it's about knowing that while I'll never be good enough to lace Michelle Kwan's or Alexei Yagudin's boots, and probably wouldn't have been even if I'd skated as a child, I know what true excellence in skating looks like, and that's what I think about when I try to skate with silent, pure, strong edges and purity of line.

To me, excellence is just what you owe yourself and your passions.

I'd always seen excellence as something more objective than the way you use it, Susan.

I will, no matter how much intensity and focus I bring to the table, probably only ever be excellent at the martial arts. And not even that excellent. I can draw or take photographs pretty well, and work at them both, but they're no less my passions for me not being as good as them, and they're certainly not excellent.

Thing is, I don't really mean it subjectively. I mean, I started way too late to ever land a triple lutz or get the kind of amplitude in a spiral that the elite skaters get. I'm not trying to achieve the impossible. What I am trying to do (or will be, when I can afford ice time again) is to do everything I can do to the highest standard of excellence for that skill or move.

hey hey! someone tell me to write! say something inspiring! I'm staring at a page and feeling overwhelmed. Kick my ass!

Allyson, you could potentially be writing the definitive book on MEverse fandom, a book to which all other fandom books which will be compared. Hop to it.

Just write it and don't worry if it sucks. You can edit it as much as you want later. And I often find that if you force yourself to write even though it's hard and painful and you're sure every sentence sucks, by the third or fourth page you often get into the flow and can write to whatever is your normal first-draft standard.

I think I don't understand, Susan. The only excellence I can achieve in photography is subjective, or at least in comparison to just my own portfolio.

Actual photographic excellence? Outside my reach. It sounds like you're describing your skating the same way.

And one last mememe post for now.

I feel like I'm trying to explain three separate, though related issues:

1. Excellence: To me, the whole idea of striving for excellence is central to who I am, and I (mostly) set my own standards for it. I know which authors I think are the best, and it's about half objective (e.g. mastery of craft) and half subjective (writing the kind of books I most like to read). And I intend to either attain that level of excellence for myself, or come as close to it as my efforts and talents will take me. The opinions of others matter for this insofar as they're the best measure of whether my writing actually works--of course I know what I'm trying to say, but unless my readers can connect with it, or connect with something in it that resonates with their own experience, it's kinda pointless.

2. Competitiveness: Yes, I'm hella competitive. But writing doesn't really lend itself to being the one-and-only champion of anything. So I'm mostly competing against myself and the goals I've set.

3. Ego-validation: Definitely an issue I need to work on. But, dammit, it's fun to impress people with my writing, just like it's gratifying when the other altos want to sit next to me for sight-reading or someone raves about my chocolate chip pumpkin bread. Only it's even more of a rush, because writing is closer to my soul than singing or cooking.

(I feel like I'm not explaining what I mean by excellence well at all, but right now I'm typing one-handed with a fussy squirmy demanding child on my lap, so it's probably fruitless to try just now.)