Anybody want to beta my "Alice Hoffman" story? I'm such a little faker...first David Simon, then Alice Hoffman...Oh, and Philip Roth. Someday I'm gonna be a big, grown-up writer and have a voice of my very own.

In my attempt to fix the pacing problems with Lucy by opening with an extensively rewritten version of the former Ch. 3, I've managed to move the first meeting between the hero and heroine from p. 63 to p. 24.

If nothing else, that has to be an improvement.

Susan, I'd say so.

erika, was out all day. Send, please.

Susan, insent. And yay for sooner hero/heroine meeting.

erika, that's so strange -- I just picked up Alice Hoffman's Blue Diary at the library this week, and I haven't read her in a few years. If it's not too long, I'd be happy to look at it -- I'm a little swamped between work and the fact that we're suddenly moving, but I'd be happy to read it.

Ok, cool. It's not quite done yet, but I'm thinking of sending it someplace next week...and I don't spot everything for myself. Sometimes my writing isn't as different from fic as I would like...insent in a bit. I'm such a little mimic/hero-worshipper. You guys are lucky to miss my Bridget Jones period...that was v.v. bad. ETA: Deb, AmyLiz, insent. Thanks a lot.

Backflung, bebe. Awaiting the rest of it. The piece is a corker. I've done no hard editing on it, because I want to see the rest.

OK, so I'm trying to make sure all the essential stuff from my original first and second chapters makes it into the newer, better paced version, and I'm having trouble figuring out where to put the all-important fact that Lucy starts out the story in love with her cousin Sebastian. The place where it would fit most naturally is shortly after the scene where she meets James, the hero of the piece. It would work within the logic of the story, and the infodump portion of it would be far enough removed from other infodumps to not halt the story flow too much. But I'm nervous about withholding that bit of info until after she meets the hero. I do hint at it earlier--she refers to him once as "dear Sebastian," and we know she thinks he's very handsome--but it's more subtext than text.

Thoughts?

I personally think it needs to come far earlier than that - leaving it that late makes it feel like an afterthought, which it isn't. Either that or, worse, as if you were dicking with your reader, which you aren't.

Besides which, she's there in his family's house; that feeling would be with her every moment of every day, no matter how far in the background.

Early on, please.

Well, except the story doesn't open there in his family's house anymore. But other than that, point taken. The problem is I feel like I'm already cramming so much background exposition into 20 pages already--I'm introducing 6 characters and giving enough background that hopefully the reader can keep them straight, and spending quite a bit of time on Lucy's family background. Explaining the Sebastian thing right will take several pages, and will push back the all-important first encounter with James, because I really can't think of anything to cut from Ch. 1.

Ah, you've moved the opening setting? Then I've got nothing - when it opened there, it was natural to Lucy that her thing for her cousin be present in her own head. Outside that, you've got me. No clue.