I'll be insending in a page or two (when a page or two more is written, that is) for you to look at.

(bouncebouncebouncebouncebouncebouncebounce)

I think part of my problem (as in, the reason why I'm doing newsletter stuff I hate instead of taking a chance and writing stuff that doesn't numb my brain) is the whole fear of failure thing. It's good for me to remember that to write is to fail.

When I started Lucy, it'd been four years since I wrote fiction. I have stacks of unfinished novels from my teens, and the beginnings of a fantasy epic from my 20's. (The teenaged stuff is decently well-written, but it's utter crap. Mary Sues galore. The fantasy epic is quite good, if I do say so myself, but my worldview has changed so much in the 7 years since I've worked on it that I doubt I'll ever go back to it, though I might find a way to use some of the cultures and characters I developed.)

Anyway, I'd given up on ever thinking of myself as a writer. But one of the things that changed my mind was deciding that if by the time I die I've never published a novel, I'd rather it be because I tried and failed than because I never completed one. So I wrote again.

Ooo! I will ask him.

Suuuuuuure. The next time you're by. Not something I can mail to you, ya see.

'allo, Pete.

I asked Nic if he was up for a nice game of Scrabble. He left the room with more haste than was strictly necessary.

I don't blame him. I lost 5 games out of 5!

t /natter

(consolingly)

But two of them were close games, very close, in fact - down to the wire.

(end consolingly)

I think the question writers need to ask themselves is, "OK. If I fail, so what?" Why is that such a horrible thing?

Do you want an honest answer from me?

In an immediate way, it would mean I wasted my time. I took several hours out of my busy life of playing online and watching movies to overcome my shyness/fear of people, report on something, and write it up and in return I got exactly nothing. (Yeah, experience, but experience and $3.10 will get you a skim latte.) The few times when my articles have been killed for one reason or another, I've been pissy for this reason -- it's not so much that I thought it was the greatest article of all time as it is the time I put into it.

On a grander level, it plays into my ongoing insecurities. I've read enough and written enough to know that I'm ... spectacularly mediocre as a writer. I'm good enough to be a working writer, in that I can put sentences together and understand the basics of how published writing is structured. Am I good enough to be published as a freelancer? Probably not, especially since I suck at coming up with ideas for articles. You may need to try to succeed -- but it seems to me that you also need to try to be a failure in the world, as opposed to only in your head.

Sorry to vent. I'm just really annoyed with myself because I keep going in circles on this -- I hate what I'm doing/The only way out is freelancing/I'm afraid to freelance/Okay then.

I assume at some point in my life, I'll get out of the circle and stop being so goddamn miserable whenever I think of my "career." I'm just having a hard time picturing myself taking that step.

Why does it matter? It's just my identity.If I blow that, I'm just another SSI recipient with unrealistic goals. Or the Dumpster Sex Gal.(actually I prefer that one...I created it.) It would be like admitting that my writing is really technically sophisticated masturbation. No pressure, huh?

Fear. Fear is something I need to take a good, long look at, I think, as I pursue this course. Lord knows I've been there myself, and can relate.

Since college,my writing career has been at the center of my identity. Even when I've worked other jobs (telemarketing! bookstore manager! hauling christmas trees!) it's always how I've seen myself. The long stretches of not being bale to write have been anguish.

I've read enough and written enough to know that I'm ... spectacularly mediocre as a writer. I'm good enough to be a working writer, in that I can put sentences together and understand the basics of how published writing is structured. Am I good enough to be published as a freelancer? Probably not, especially since I suck at coming up with ideas for articles. You may need to try to succeed -- but it seems to me that you also need to try to be a failure in the world, as opposed to only in your head.

Hmm. Freelancing is a rough road, and I've done itlong enough to know. Still, there are always options. Newspapers always need stringers, and while town meetings and such are hardly exciting, they do build up your resume and give you experience. Plus, they write themselves.

Or the Dumpster Sex Gal.(actually I prefer that one...I created it.)

Bwahahahahaha!

It would be like admitting that my writing is really technically sophisticated masturbation. No pressure, huh?

mmm...maybe that's why I type one-handed. But very few people devote their life to wank. Alex Portnoy maybe...the Munchkin(in between murders) Seriously, I've been published before,made a very few dollars, even. Nobody EVER asks me about those pieces. Put a couple detectives in a garbage dumpster, and everybody knows your pseud. It's like "Cheers" with porn.