I think part of my problem (as in, the reason why I'm doing newsletter stuff I hate instead of taking a chance and writing stuff that doesn't numb my brain) is the whole fear of failure thing. It's good for me to remember that to write is to fail.

EXACTLY!!!!! Fear of failure can be SUCH an inhibitor.

I think the question writers need to ask themselves is, "OK. If I fail, so what?" Why is that such a horrible thing?

Failure is bullshit anyway - it's just part of the natural cycle of breathing and not breathing. There's no getting around it; might as well embrace it. Failure (however you define it) happens. Success (ditto) happens. All of it feeds the individual toward critical mass.

Plei! Wanna see! And a suggestion? Ask Pete if he will be a nice nice nice man and show you an astonishing piece he did; tell him, it's the thing with the lady and the tree. Quite, well, very, um, amazing and intense.

Here's a link, from a friend in my writers group. I reproduce both email as explanation, and a link (I'm not eligible, as you'll see):

There's a writing competition being sponsored by London Book Fair that I am entering and thought others may be interested in. Send in the first 10,000 words of a novel by Jan 23. The winner gets a ton of exposure (Brits as well as non Brits may enter). Those submitting can not have been previously published (sorry Deborah).

Here's the link:

[link]

Plei! Wanna see! And a suggestion? Ask Pete if he will be a nice nice nice man and show you an astonishing piece he did; tell him, it's the thing with the lady and the tree. Quite, well, very, um, amazing and intense.

Ooo! I will ask him.

I'll be insending in a page or two (when a page or two more is written, that is) for you to look at.

I'll be insending in a page or two (when a page or two more is written, that is) for you to look at.

(bouncebouncebouncebouncebouncebouncebounce)

I think part of my problem (as in, the reason why I'm doing newsletter stuff I hate instead of taking a chance and writing stuff that doesn't numb my brain) is the whole fear of failure thing. It's good for me to remember that to write is to fail.

When I started Lucy, it'd been four years since I wrote fiction. I have stacks of unfinished novels from my teens, and the beginnings of a fantasy epic from my 20's. (The teenaged stuff is decently well-written, but it's utter crap. Mary Sues galore. The fantasy epic is quite good, if I do say so myself, but my worldview has changed so much in the 7 years since I've worked on it that I doubt I'll ever go back to it, though I might find a way to use some of the cultures and characters I developed.)

Anyway, I'd given up on ever thinking of myself as a writer. But one of the things that changed my mind was deciding that if by the time I die I've never published a novel, I'd rather it be because I tried and failed than because I never completed one. So I wrote again.

Ooo! I will ask him.

Suuuuuuure. The next time you're by. Not something I can mail to you, ya see.

'allo, Pete.

I asked Nic if he was up for a nice game of Scrabble. He left the room with more haste than was strictly necessary.

I don't blame him. I lost 5 games out of 5!

t /natter

(consolingly)

But two of them were close games, very close, in fact - down to the wire.

(end consolingly)

I think the question writers need to ask themselves is, "OK. If I fail, so what?" Why is that such a horrible thing?

Do you want an honest answer from me?

In an immediate way, it would mean I wasted my time. I took several hours out of my busy life of playing online and watching movies to overcome my shyness/fear of people, report on something, and write it up and in return I got exactly nothing. (Yeah, experience, but experience and $3.10 will get you a skim latte.) The few times when my articles have been killed for one reason or another, I've been pissy for this reason -- it's not so much that I thought it was the greatest article of all time as it is the time I put into it.

On a grander level, it plays into my ongoing insecurities. I've read enough and written enough to know that I'm ... spectacularly mediocre as a writer. I'm good enough to be a working writer, in that I can put sentences together and understand the basics of how published writing is structured. Am I good enough to be published as a freelancer? Probably not, especially since I suck at coming up with ideas for articles. You may need to try to succeed -- but it seems to me that you also need to try to be a failure in the world, as opposed to only in your head.

Sorry to vent. I'm just really annoyed with myself because I keep going in circles on this -- I hate what I'm doing/The only way out is freelancing/I'm afraid to freelance/Okay then.

I assume at some point in my life, I'll get out of the circle and stop being so goddamn miserable whenever I think of my "career." I'm just having a hard time picturing myself taking that step.