I'm totally with you in finding a way to show us James earlier. Considering how....

BTW, I have now broken 50,000 words on Matty. Yowsa!

Either what Plei said, or could you introduce him earlier in the story in a different setting before the meets Lucy?

Not with it in Lucy's first-person POV, unfortunately. And I've been trying and trying to tighten without losing Lucy's voice, but I'm not satisfied with the results as yet. More and more I'm thinking I'm just going to have to sit down with an outline of what we absolutely need to know about Lucy before she meets James, and rewrite the opening two chapters almost from scratch.

deb, are you liking James so far? I'm so fond of him as he exists in my brain that I can't judge whether or not that sexiness comes across on the page.

And congrats on breaking 50,000!

Not with it in Lucy's first-person POV, unfortunately.

Sorry, I wasn't considering that.

I really am liking James. One of the problems, though, is that the early painting of Julius as a character (this is the draft you sent me, not incorporating any of your rewrites) leaves me as the reader thinking, why bother with James, because Julius and Lucy....

You know what? You give Good Male Character.

I think you should send me the entire thing again, only this time the version that incorporates your rewrites from the last few days, and let me read that. Are you up for it?

I really am liking James. One of the problems, though, is that the early painting of Julius as a character (this is the draft you sent me, not incorporating any of your rewrites) leaves me as the reader thinking, why bother with James, because Julius and Lucy....

Hrmm. Maybe I need to get bigger anvils for the "Julius is chauvinistic and patronising" message instead of toning them down, as I've been doing. Though, in fairness to my writing and your reading comprehension, those anvils get bigger later in the story, once I noticed people in my writers' group liked Julius better than I did. And I'm pretty sure there's one scene late in the book where he's entirely too Victorian for a Georgian with his "must protect women from all the ugliness in the world" shtick. Though it's almost worth it for the "are you on CRACK?" looks James and Lucy give him, and the "why the hell did I marry this man?" fear on Anna's face.

And, latest version insent.

AHA!

Susan, got it, and the shortened, tightened version?

MUCH better. Also the "Julius is a patronising fellow" clues come across far more clearly. That whole "run along, now" thing he tells her? I actually had to go back and see if it was in the first draft, and I was surprised that it was; it had got a bit lost in the first draft.

Whew! And yet again I am convinced that my writers' group, nice as they all are as human beings, are on crack. Because I took the first ten pages of the tightened version in tonight, and they didn't especially like them. I still think it needs another pass or two to really be there, but now I feel better about letting Marlene see it as is in a few days, since I don't want to keep her waiting much longer. If I have time, I'll give it one more go before I send it to the editor and agent from the conference, because I figure as long as I mail it by the end of the month, they'll remember that there is such a thing as the Emerald City Writers' Conference, and that they requested a bunch of partials there.

(The other big early anti-Julius clue is the way he keeps calling her "Little Lucy.")

Yup, the clues are there.

It does need another pass - I actually think the opening is a bit too abrupt, but only by about a paragraph or so of intro. The tighter version is much better. I'll down down and do some more tomorrow, in between Matty and TET bits, and whatever else the universe throws my way.

BTW, on a memememe note, crossposted in Bitches:

[link]

Oh, Deb, it's so right! The color and the contrast with the brighter color on the bottom, and the picture and the turn-the-page look of it. I think the story is going to be very happy living behind that. IIRC, you were talking about having some sort of music-sheet element in it, right?

Wowza! That's a beautiful cover, Deb. I can't wait to read Weaver. Also, congratulations on the WalMart sales.

Question: IIRC, Matty Groves is the third book in the series. What's the title of the second?