They didn't do anything wrong, though. It was all my own stupid fault.

Well, I think you've finally convinced me that your mother is right, P-C.

"And she should be Gujarati. Please don't pick a white or black or anything. They never work out...Their views aren't the same as our views. They rarely work out. Very low chances. Maybe one in a hundred."

Speaking as a non-Gujarati white chick, my views of how families should treat each other and deal with monetary issues and going out are definitely not the same as your family's views.

It was all my own stupid fault.

Next time you'll get the fried rice. All these tricky social codes to negotiate.

I disagree. They put you in an impossible position.

I don't really know that I understood how the ordering process worked at the restaurant, but I'm guessing it was a step up and order what you want kind of thing? If my family was out together, everyone would get a chance to order, and if someone wasn't ordering we'd badger them three ways to Sunday to make sure that maybe they'd want a little something, etc. It seems a little inconsiderate to not at least check to see if you wanted something, whether you're expected to pay for yourself or not.

But then again, I'm a white chick, so...

More {{{ }}}.

Please don't pick a white or black or anything. They never work out...

I am a bad person, because I keep thinking this ought to be someone's tag line.

They didn't do anything wrong, though. It was all my own stupid fault.

You know what, sweetie, I had a whole big thing on [what follows] before, but deleted it, because I thought maybe you needed empathy more than advice. This time, I offer it not as advice, but hope.

You are becoming more and more self-sufficient. As you break the housing and financial ties with your family, you will start to feel yourself coming into your own. Getting your own place is a HUGE step in this direction. And once you feel you can, refusing any help that you can reasonably refuse (that is, refusing any help that isn't bail, or somehow going to keep you from starving or bleeding to death, or end up sleeping on the streets) you will start to be able to refuse other things as well. Your family may never see it that way, but you won't feel as beholden to them, once you're no longer relying on their generosity. It's one of the most difficult parts of growing up, but it's also one of the most gratifying.

Your family may never see it that way, but you won't feel as beholden to them, once you're no longer relying on their generosity. It's one of the most difficult parts of growing up, but it's also one of the most gratifying.

I understand this, and I am looking forward to it myself.

I disagree. They put you in an impossible position.

Everybody talks around me so much that I have no fucking clue what to do. They make comments to my parents, and my parents filter out anything good and berate me for whatever I supposedly did wrong, and I try to make amends but supposedly, according to my relatives, I didn't do anything wrong in the first place, and then the whole vicious circle starts once again.

Several months ago, my mom asked me if I'd thanked my aunt for getting me the job, and it had never occurred to me that my aunt had told her brother (the co-worker uncle) about my situation, which is why I had gotten the job. So at the end of a phone call one day, I added, "And I don't think I thanked you for getting me the job, so thank you, etc., etc."

That night, I got an angry phone call from my parents because I had upset my aunt, who had heard, "I don't know why I should thank you for getting me the job." And she had fucking misheard, and it wasn't my goddamn fault (except it was because I talk too fucking fast), but no, I couldn't just tell her that, I was supposed to goddamn apologize and get her flowers and rub her feet and buy her a train and give her an all-expenses-paid vacation to Samoa.

And AFTER ALL THIS SHIT, my aunt tells me that she didn't even want a thank-you, she didn't care about things like that, and it hurt her more that I had bothered to say anything at all because it felt like I was being told to say it, WHICH I WAS.

I still haven't bought her flowers or anything because I think flowers are stupid and she pisses me off a lot.

Ugh. So sorry for the family drama P-C. What a mess of miscommunication/assumption/inconsideration. I know what the 'It's my own damn fault' feeling feels like to me, and I'm sorry you had to feel that. yech.

I'm learning from lessons like that though, and had a bit of a triumph this weekend.

I've mentioned before that I have an embarrassing allergy ti cig smoke. It's a pain in many more ways than one.

Usually, I hack up a lung, embarrass myself, make everyone else uncomfortable, have to change plans, etc. This time...new plan.

Fela's friends invited us out to a dinner and movie. When we got to the restrauant, the friends had already secured a table...in the bar...never NOT a problem for me...but there were no active smokers present. In this case, I just get the burning lungs and nose, but only the occassional cough. I chose to stick it out but I said, under my breath to the Fela, "If this becomes a problem, I'm just going to leave and I'll see you at the movie, K? Please don't make a big deal out of it" He agreed.

As soon as my food arrived, a smoker lit up right behind me. I looked at him, he said the time of the movie outloud and I sprinted for the door. I got outside before I started coughing, and by the time I was happily ensconsed in the Barnes and Noble across the parking lot, I was fine.

The friends, it seems, apologized 47 times for picking the table (they knew but had forgotten about the allergy) but Fela stalwartly refused to join them in the angst and it all worked out okay. (except that this gave the friends the opportunity to grill him about the status of our relationship...which ended up being kinda cute.)

My big triumph is that this was the first time I think I handled the issue gracefully and without guilt. Ima try that more often! Plus, it gave Fela a chance to be the hero but getting my food to go for me, realizing that of all the shops I had to chose from, of course I'd be in the bookstore and he didn't have to worry about me suffering from the smoke. Bonuses all around.

my views of how families should treat each other and deal with monetary issues and going out are definitely not the same as your family's views

((((P-C)))) I'm not familiar with Gujarati norms, but I have to wonder how much of the issue is cultural norms and how much is familial style.

And a couple can definitely make a go of it despite different family styles. Case in point -- me (from "Ignore the family problem and it'll go away. Above all, don't let the children know") and Hubs (from "discuss every family problem endlessly, and don't worry about whether the children find out").

I suspect some of the issue of your paying is the importance of making the offer, even if you aren't taken up on it. Which doesn't excuse springing it on you without warning.

If it's any consolation, you'll have more power in the family relationship once you move into the apartment. (You don't work for a family business, correct?)

Everybody talks around me so much that I have no fucking clue what to do. They make comments to my parents, and my parents filter out anything good and berate me for whatever I supposedly did wrong

I wish you could have a recording looping in your head that says something like..."This has nothing to do with me, my family is recreating communication patterns they learned from their family and that must be painful for them, but it really doesn't have anything to do with me. They are doing the best they can with what they have...and that must suck for them. But me? I'm building a great life for myself and refuse to let these situations...where no actual blood is being let...bother me."

That's what I wish for you P-C.