Please don't pick a white or black or anything. They never work out...

I am a bad person, because I keep thinking this ought to be someone's tag line.

They didn't do anything wrong, though. It was all my own stupid fault.

You know what, sweetie, I had a whole big thing on [what follows] before, but deleted it, because I thought maybe you needed empathy more than advice. This time, I offer it not as advice, but hope.

You are becoming more and more self-sufficient. As you break the housing and financial ties with your family, you will start to feel yourself coming into your own. Getting your own place is a HUGE step in this direction. And once you feel you can, refusing any help that you can reasonably refuse (that is, refusing any help that isn't bail, or somehow going to keep you from starving or bleeding to death, or end up sleeping on the streets) you will start to be able to refuse other things as well. Your family may never see it that way, but you won't feel as beholden to them, once you're no longer relying on their generosity. It's one of the most difficult parts of growing up, but it's also one of the most gratifying.

Your family may never see it that way, but you won't feel as beholden to them, once you're no longer relying on their generosity. It's one of the most difficult parts of growing up, but it's also one of the most gratifying.

I understand this, and I am looking forward to it myself.

I disagree. They put you in an impossible position.

Everybody talks around me so much that I have no fucking clue what to do. They make comments to my parents, and my parents filter out anything good and berate me for whatever I supposedly did wrong, and I try to make amends but supposedly, according to my relatives, I didn't do anything wrong in the first place, and then the whole vicious circle starts once again.

Several months ago, my mom asked me if I'd thanked my aunt for getting me the job, and it had never occurred to me that my aunt had told her brother (the co-worker uncle) about my situation, which is why I had gotten the job. So at the end of a phone call one day, I added, "And I don't think I thanked you for getting me the job, so thank you, etc., etc."

That night, I got an angry phone call from my parents because I had upset my aunt, who had heard, "I don't know why I should thank you for getting me the job." And she had fucking misheard, and it wasn't my goddamn fault (except it was because I talk too fucking fast), but no, I couldn't just tell her that, I was supposed to goddamn apologize and get her flowers and rub her feet and buy her a train and give her an all-expenses-paid vacation to Samoa.

And AFTER ALL THIS SHIT, my aunt tells me that she didn't even want a thank-you, she didn't care about things like that, and it hurt her more that I had bothered to say anything at all because it felt like I was being told to say it, WHICH I WAS.

I still haven't bought her flowers or anything because I think flowers are stupid and she pisses me off a lot.

Ugh. So sorry for the family drama P-C. What a mess of miscommunication/assumption/inconsideration. I know what the 'It's my own damn fault' feeling feels like to me, and I'm sorry you had to feel that. yech.

I'm learning from lessons like that though, and had a bit of a triumph this weekend.

I've mentioned before that I have an embarrassing allergy ti cig smoke. It's a pain in many more ways than one.

Usually, I hack up a lung, embarrass myself, make everyone else uncomfortable, have to change plans, etc. This time...new plan.

Fela's friends invited us out to a dinner and movie. When we got to the restrauant, the friends had already secured a table...in the bar...never NOT a problem for me...but there were no active smokers present. In this case, I just get the burning lungs and nose, but only the occassional cough. I chose to stick it out but I said, under my breath to the Fela, "If this becomes a problem, I'm just going to leave and I'll see you at the movie, K? Please don't make a big deal out of it" He agreed.

As soon as my food arrived, a smoker lit up right behind me. I looked at him, he said the time of the movie outloud and I sprinted for the door. I got outside before I started coughing, and by the time I was happily ensconsed in the Barnes and Noble across the parking lot, I was fine.

The friends, it seems, apologized 47 times for picking the table (they knew but had forgotten about the allergy) but Fela stalwartly refused to join them in the angst and it all worked out okay. (except that this gave the friends the opportunity to grill him about the status of our relationship...which ended up being kinda cute.)

My big triumph is that this was the first time I think I handled the issue gracefully and without guilt. Ima try that more often! Plus, it gave Fela a chance to be the hero but getting my food to go for me, realizing that of all the shops I had to chose from, of course I'd be in the bookstore and he didn't have to worry about me suffering from the smoke. Bonuses all around.

my views of how families should treat each other and deal with monetary issues and going out are definitely not the same as your family's views

((((P-C)))) I'm not familiar with Gujarati norms, but I have to wonder how much of the issue is cultural norms and how much is familial style.

And a couple can definitely make a go of it despite different family styles. Case in point -- me (from "Ignore the family problem and it'll go away. Above all, don't let the children know") and Hubs (from "discuss every family problem endlessly, and don't worry about whether the children find out").

I suspect some of the issue of your paying is the importance of making the offer, even if you aren't taken up on it. Which doesn't excuse springing it on you without warning.

If it's any consolation, you'll have more power in the family relationship once you move into the apartment. (You don't work for a family business, correct?)

Everybody talks around me so much that I have no fucking clue what to do. They make comments to my parents, and my parents filter out anything good and berate me for whatever I supposedly did wrong

I wish you could have a recording looping in your head that says something like..."This has nothing to do with me, my family is recreating communication patterns they learned from their family and that must be painful for them, but it really doesn't have anything to do with me. They are doing the best they can with what they have...and that must suck for them. But me? I'm building a great life for myself and refuse to let these situations...where no actual blood is being let...bother me."

That's what I wish for you P-C.

P-C, are you staying in their house? And are you paying rent? If not, I would think you would offer to pay whenever you go out and also offer to kick in for household expenses. If it were my family, I would also expect them to refuse and pay for me anyway, but I would make the offer. If you ARE paying them rent, then the heck with them.

P-C, what Cindy said.

And also, I don't know why your family has chosen you as their personal whipping boy, but they are complete shitheads for doing so. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's been a long time since I have seen so much emotional and mental abuse heaped on one person. I wish that somehow, since they are NOT going to change, that you could just tell them all to "Fuck off." and be done with it. It sucks to do that with family, and it hurts and it's awful. But damn, I just get so angry at them on your behalf. But try to remember that is so very much THEIR ISSUE and has NOTHING to do with you, personally. Except, that it does. I just...pardon me for saying so, but I hate your family.

(Remember - blunt as all get out. Sincere apologies if I've made it worse or offended you.)

I suspect some of the issue of your paying is the importance of making the offer, even if you aren't taken up on it.

I think so too. So much of this culture is about making gestures and "how things look" to other people. Which annoys me because that's not usually how I operate. I appreciate a gesture now and then, but I don't deal exclusively in them.

(You don't work for a family business, correct?)

No. Although I do work with a relative and thus will continue to be intimately connected to the my aunt and uncle. Especially since I'll most likely be buying the car I've been driving around most of the time, which is an old-ass Nissan Sentra that will get from Point A to Point B just fine. And his master plan is to buy it back from me for his daughter when she turns sixteen.

P-C, are you staying in their house? And are you paying rent? If not, I would think you would offer to pay whenever you go out and also offer to kick in for household expenses.

I am staying in their house and not paying rent, so yeah, I help out when needed and fill up the gas tank when it's empty and buy random groceries if I'm out, but nothing is ever enough, really. And before I move out, I'll be taking them out to some expensive dinner wherever they want to go because my uncle has been hounding me to do that since I first got the job, because apparently as soon as you get a job, you are MADE OF MONEY.

No offense taken, Aims. I know how it must look from your perspective since all I do is bitch about them, and I rarely mention anything good.

I think they've singled out P-C for this abuse because they can tell he's different, not like them, and Most Likely To Fall Far From The Tree.

Good job on handling that smoke thing, Beej! Fela did a good thing too.

Vortex, my sistah! Too bad it's about something so unpleasant and sucky. Health~ma to you.

Coochie commiseration to you as well (heh. Sounds like a band – “Ladies and Gentlemen, put your hands together for Coochie Commiserashuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!”

and I tried to suck it up and pay for everyone, but my aunt wouldn't let me. MIXED MESSAGES MUCH?

PC, the sooner that you realize that it’s all about appearances, the happier you’ll be.

They didn't do anything wrong, though. It was all my own stupid fault.

Next time, you’ll be prepared with an excuse, like “I’ve already eaten” or “you know, I’ve discovered that ____ food doesn’t always agree with me, so I’ll just hang out”

My big triumph is that this was the first time I think I handled the issue gracefully and without guilt.

you shouldn't feel guilty about an allergy, for goodness sake! And if we ever do a DCista event and it's a problem, I'm going to take it personally if you suffer in silence. I have a mind like a sieve and will forget, so you'd have to remind me. I think that we all know that I'd have no problem speaking up and getting us moved or whatever.

And his master plan is to buy it back from me for his daughter when she turns sixteen.

Danger, Will Robinson! What happens if you’re not ready to get a new car when she turns sixteen (or is this the four year old?)