my views of how families should treat each other and deal with monetary issues and going out are definitely not the same as your family's views

((((P-C)))) I'm not familiar with Gujarati norms, but I have to wonder how much of the issue is cultural norms and how much is familial style.

And a couple can definitely make a go of it despite different family styles. Case in point -- me (from "Ignore the family problem and it'll go away. Above all, don't let the children know") and Hubs (from "discuss every family problem endlessly, and don't worry about whether the children find out").

I suspect some of the issue of your paying is the importance of making the offer, even if you aren't taken up on it. Which doesn't excuse springing it on you without warning.

If it's any consolation, you'll have more power in the family relationship once you move into the apartment. (You don't work for a family business, correct?)

Everybody talks around me so much that I have no fucking clue what to do. They make comments to my parents, and my parents filter out anything good and berate me for whatever I supposedly did wrong

I wish you could have a recording looping in your head that says something like..."This has nothing to do with me, my family is recreating communication patterns they learned from their family and that must be painful for them, but it really doesn't have anything to do with me. They are doing the best they can with what they have...and that must suck for them. But me? I'm building a great life for myself and refuse to let these situations...where no actual blood is being let...bother me."

That's what I wish for you P-C.

P-C, are you staying in their house? And are you paying rent? If not, I would think you would offer to pay whenever you go out and also offer to kick in for household expenses. If it were my family, I would also expect them to refuse and pay for me anyway, but I would make the offer. If you ARE paying them rent, then the heck with them.

P-C, what Cindy said.

And also, I don't know why your family has chosen you as their personal whipping boy, but they are complete shitheads for doing so. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's been a long time since I have seen so much emotional and mental abuse heaped on one person. I wish that somehow, since they are NOT going to change, that you could just tell them all to "Fuck off." and be done with it. It sucks to do that with family, and it hurts and it's awful. But damn, I just get so angry at them on your behalf. But try to remember that is so very much THEIR ISSUE and has NOTHING to do with you, personally. Except, that it does. I just...pardon me for saying so, but I hate your family.

(Remember - blunt as all get out. Sincere apologies if I've made it worse or offended you.)

I suspect some of the issue of your paying is the importance of making the offer, even if you aren't taken up on it.

I think so too. So much of this culture is about making gestures and "how things look" to other people. Which annoys me because that's not usually how I operate. I appreciate a gesture now and then, but I don't deal exclusively in them.

(You don't work for a family business, correct?)

No. Although I do work with a relative and thus will continue to be intimately connected to the my aunt and uncle. Especially since I'll most likely be buying the car I've been driving around most of the time, which is an old-ass Nissan Sentra that will get from Point A to Point B just fine. And his master plan is to buy it back from me for his daughter when she turns sixteen.

P-C, are you staying in their house? And are you paying rent? If not, I would think you would offer to pay whenever you go out and also offer to kick in for household expenses.

I am staying in their house and not paying rent, so yeah, I help out when needed and fill up the gas tank when it's empty and buy random groceries if I'm out, but nothing is ever enough, really. And before I move out, I'll be taking them out to some expensive dinner wherever they want to go because my uncle has been hounding me to do that since I first got the job, because apparently as soon as you get a job, you are MADE OF MONEY.

No offense taken, Aims. I know how it must look from your perspective since all I do is bitch about them, and I rarely mention anything good.

I think they've singled out P-C for this abuse because they can tell he's different, not like them, and Most Likely To Fall Far From The Tree.

Good job on handling that smoke thing, Beej! Fela did a good thing too.

Vortex, my sistah! Too bad it's about something so unpleasant and sucky. Health~ma to you.

Coochie commiseration to you as well (heh. Sounds like a band – “Ladies and Gentlemen, put your hands together for Coochie Commiserashuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!”

and I tried to suck it up and pay for everyone, but my aunt wouldn't let me. MIXED MESSAGES MUCH?

PC, the sooner that you realize that it’s all about appearances, the happier you’ll be.

They didn't do anything wrong, though. It was all my own stupid fault.

Next time, you’ll be prepared with an excuse, like “I’ve already eaten” or “you know, I’ve discovered that ____ food doesn’t always agree with me, so I’ll just hang out”

My big triumph is that this was the first time I think I handled the issue gracefully and without guilt.

you shouldn't feel guilty about an allergy, for goodness sake! And if we ever do a DCista event and it's a problem, I'm going to take it personally if you suffer in silence. I have a mind like a sieve and will forget, so you'd have to remind me. I think that we all know that I'd have no problem speaking up and getting us moved or whatever.

And his master plan is to buy it back from me for his daughter when she turns sixteen.

Danger, Will Robinson! What happens if you’re not ready to get a new car when she turns sixteen (or is this the four year old?)

I think they've singled out P-C for this abuse because they can tell he's different, not like them, and Most Likely To Fall Far From The Tree.

Also because my eldest cousin Fell from the Tree already and DISGRACED OUR FAMILY NAME FOREVER OMG.

Good job on handling that smoke thing, Beej! Fela did a good thing too.

Yeah, I'm glad that went well.

Danger, Will Robinson! What happens if you’re not ready to get a new car when she turns sixteen (or is this the four year old?)

Well, then fuck 'em. It's not like I'm signing some sort of contract. It's a matter of convenience for him, and I will grant that it can work out for him, and it works out for me in that I have a cheap car, but once the car is mine, I can do whatever. But, for serious, it's not a car I'd want to keep around for more than one or two years anyway.

Bev - so much ma ~~ going your way- peace be with you.

happy birthday katie B

and p-c , just tell everyone you are saving money so you can support a family someday. Honestly, it will be easier when you have your own place. First , answering the phone, not so nessacary. then , you get to practice the words, " Oh, I'm sorry , that's not in the budget this week" and when they insist you can say things like " well, if you really want me there , I can probbably get a bowl of soup.." which let's them tell you the financal arangements before you go out. Of course, I'd just ask - but that doesn't sound like it will work with your family. poor boy, it can get better

eta: now that I've read more- think about the gesture you can do and you can afford. Once you know what you can do - and that you are doing what you can - it will helpyou deal with more ridculous demands.

p-c , just tell everyone you are saving money so you can support a family someday.

No, not spending money makes me a tightwad. Despite the fact that I got my spending habits from my coupon-cutting mother.

Honestly, it will be easier when you have your own place.

I had my own place for two years before I moved here.

First , answering the phone, not so nessacary

Not officially, but the longer I don't answer it, the bigger earful I get when I finally talk to them. Because I clearly forget about them if I don't speak to them every two or three days.