Happy Birthday Katie Bee!

Katie, I thought your b-day was tomorrow... but just in case -

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KATIE BEE!

It's Katerina day? Happy birthday, KatieBee!

Happy Birthday, Katie Bee! (Even if it is tomorrow, as I doubt I'll be online).

I'm listening to a movie score station at work today cause I need music without words and right now they are playing "The Black Cauldron" and boy does some of it sound like it could be from "The Wizard of Oz".

I saw a tchotchke today that said "The Wizard of Oz was just a movie about two women fighting over a pair of shoes."

I also saw an article about potential tchotchke goodness: they're planning to make garden gnomes that look like Lordi.

Vortex, my sistah! Too bad it's about something so unpleasant and sucky. Health~ma to you.

And family~ma to P-C. I don't suppose telling them you got a shout-out in The Onion would impress them?

Happy Birthday Katie!

Raq, Vortex, all the normalcy in the world to you both.

I saw Hec's message just before I left for the weekend, and I was worried about JZ. So glad I came back to good news! Much stay-put-ness and good vibes to the Zmayhem clan.

Much much ~ma and {{{ }}} for Raq and Bev, and hippo birdies to Katerina!

I may have mentioned before about my annoying, troll-esque cow-irker (the gross old lady, not the crazy neo-con). She was released from service this morning. I'm alternating between feeling bad and doing the happy dance. Today's Corporate Lesson #17: I could never ever be an HR person.

Happy birthday, Katie Bee!

And now, family drama.

So my uncle (not the one I live with, the one I work with and who got me this job) has a four-year-old daughter, and it was her birthday on Friday, a fact I discovered on Thursday. So I didn't really have time to get her anything. On the way there, I got a call from my aunt, who, as an emissary from my mom, then still in Europe, told me I should give her $25, which seemed like a large monetary gift for a four-year-old. It was one of those "It's up to you, but if you don't do this, you're going to be in trouble and also be a horrible, despicable person" things. Luckily, I actually did have a twenty and a five in my wallet, and when we got to their house, I quietly slipped into their office and, um, borrowed an envelope to put the money in. Later, I unassumingly gave the daughter the envelope to put with her other gifts.

My parents got back from Europe yesterday, and the first order of business was the fact that I hadn't given the daughter anything for her birthday. My aunt said it didn't sound like I was going to take her advice, and my uncle (the one I live with) said I didn't do it. Why did he say that? my mom asked. Because he didn't see me, I said.

So I kind of awesomely won that round, because she was all set to berate me, but my dad told her to ask me first to get the whole story. Sometimes I just think, money is money, I can always get more.

Then, as we discussed Europe, there was a wonderful segue into the Inevitable Subject. She said we would be going to India this year or next year.

"Errrrr," I said.

"Why 'Errrrr'? Do you have someone picked out?"

"No," I said.

"You tell me if you do," she said. "And she should be Gujarati. Please don't pick a white or black or anything. They never work out."

"Right," I said.

"Their views aren't the same as our views. They rarely work out. Very low chances. Maybe one in a hundred."

"Okay," I said.

Toward the end of the conversation, she talked about the hypothetical future when I'm living in my own apartment with my wife, and I said, "Actually, I got my own apartment now," but she didn't hear it, so we'll have to burn that bridge when we come to it.

And speaking of burning bridges, dinner was a harrowing experience. The whole family went out yesterday (and may I just give a big "Fuck you" to my condescending aunt who expressed huge, genuine surprise that I was going out with everyone instead of staying home on the computer), and we had a couple other teenagers in tow, cousins of my cousins. We went to an Indo-Chinese place.

Now, a couple months ago, I got a stern talking-to from my parents because I had accompanied the relatives to Ice Age 2 and not paid for my own ticket. I'm sorry, I didn't know the rules. Also, I didn't buy any popcorn or anything because, well, I never buy concessions. I'm sorry, I didn't know the rules. I didn't realize that now that I have a job, I would be forced to spend money whenever there was a chance. A couple fucking weeks later, we went out to see MI:3 for Mother's Day, and I tried to suck it up and pay for everyone, but my aunt wouldn't let me. MIXED MESSAGES MUCH?

So now we were at dinner, and I wasn't sure what the motherfucking rules were, but I didn't want them to pay for me, and I didn't want to pay for myself either because I was going out a lot this month and had not accounted for this extra expense on top of everything else; I could make a sandwich at home or something. I stood in line with everyone as they ordered. No one specifically asked me what I wanted; my aunt asked me if she should order some Manchurian, but I shook my head because it hadn't been that good last time. She didn't go on to ask me what I did want, though, so I didn't say anything. I figured they would be ordering enough dishes for everyone to share, anyway; I didn't need my own thing.

They secured a table, and my cousin got dishes for everyone. Except me. There was no plate in my place. He had (continued...)

( continues...) forgotten to count himself, he said, but it sure didn't lessen the effect. Food started arriving. My cousin had a big bowl of chicken fried rice. Which he proceeded to dig into with his spoon. So I guess it was, in fact, individual dishes for everyone. Whatever.

As food continued to arrive, it became clear that I hadn't ordered anything. They told me to order something, but I said I was fine. "I'm fine" is like a fucking catchphrase for me. I couldn't explain my neurosis to them. That I didn't want to make them pay for me. That I didn't want to be a burden.

Then I felt like a total douche as people began offering me their food, and I reluctantly took it. My aunt and uncle kept saying I should order something, but I said I was fine. The scraps would do. All I needed was scraps, like I was a dog.

If anyone saw my tears, they could assume it was due to the spiciness of the chicken.

{{{{P-C}}}}

~ma for Raq and Vortex.

super~ma for Beverly and StE and your whole family.

Happy b-day, Katerina B.

{{{{{{{{{{P-C}}}}}}}}}}

As part of your second family, I think I speak for all when I say you get no scraps at this table. Full plate, always.

t /damn allergies