Question for hivemind: is father's wife automatically entitled to a fussing-over on Mother's Day?

Oooh - hard call.

By her kids? Absolutely.

For you, it would depend on your relationship, not your father's.

I used to, when I didn't hate her guts. After that, well, never mind.

Question for hivemind: is father's wife automatically entitled to a fussing-over on Mother's Day?

How is your relationship, and how important would it be to (a) it, (b) her, (c) your father?

If your relationship is decent and you think either she or your father would care at all, I think a card and at least a token that shows you're thinking of her might be in order. I don't know that a fuss would be.

Do you still have your own mother? If so, would your remembering this person on Mother's Day affect your mother's feelings?

My thinking last year was that there should be something special and individual in our relationship for me to go there. So I didn't do anything and ended up hurting their feelings.

Stepmom has never acted in a way to mentor or support me, or indeed to take any particular interest in me. We enjoy pleasant interactions, but it's not like she calls me and wants to do lunch or find out what I’ve been up to. We only see each other when there’s a family thing going on. This all seems OK to me because I was over 40 when we met. We formed a friendly relationship based on both of us loving my dad, and Mom-ness never entered into the equation, as far as I can tell.

MIL, OTOH, does things like take me shopping, ask me to schedule special girl time to hang out, sneak me a $20, calls me the daughter she never had. Doing a Thing for her on Mother’s Day seems obvious and natural to me. Besides, DH definitely owes her recognition, and since I’m in charge of human interaction for Chez Bee, we do stuff for her.

Biological mom has been off the mortal sphere since 1977 and doesn’t enter into these calculations at all.

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Since you know she was hurt last year (fairly or not) and since you both love your dad, if I were you (and I'm not) I would remember her on Mother's Day, with a little something. I don't think you ought to make a fuss, because first of all, you don't seem inclined to, and a fuss that's all-show is worth nothing; secondly, because your relationship doesn't seem fuss-worthy. Personally though, I would remember her, a little, somehow.

What Cindy said.

eta: I make a bit of a fuss over Father's Day for my mother's husband because I am crazy about him and he is wonderful to all of us. If that were not the case I would do something minor for him to make Mom happy.

I just wanted to check the hivemind's thinking on the issue because of the way it never even occurred to me last year that I should honor stepmom for mother's day.

I will probably end up cooking dinner and having everyone over, giving cards, and taking care of everyone all at the same time.

It all seems so transparently obvious when Cindy says it. Thanks!