I was on just the Celexa at first. But I couldn't write at all, had trouble doing anything creative, even passively. Reading, listening to music, it all went stale. So I told my doctor I'd rather go back to wishing I was dead than to not feel anything at all. It was all the hollowness of depression, without the achey feeling at the core that at least allowed me to outlet the excess into something arty.

That's when he mentioned that patients who have careers/hobbies in the arts/creative fields also describe that hollowness. Um. Thanks for that, doc.

So then he prescribed the Wellbutrin, which is supposed to be energizing, but just makes me feel outwardly crazy instead of inwardly crazy. Outward is worse, because then other people know.

I've been thinking about going cold turkey on meds to finish the book, but I've heard that's a bad idea, so I have an appointment to talk to him about the med problems.

Most helpful has been actual therapy. I've had this since I was a little girl, when I'd suddenly feel horribly sad in grade school and start to sob uncontrollably periodically and without any outside stressor to ping me.

So I'm sort of arthritic in the emotional health department, and have been learning how to untwist the joints in my brain. It's like physical therapy for an injury, sort of, in that it hurts like a bastard for a few hours and then I have a bit more peace.

But yeah, the meds are bullshit to me. Honestly, though, I have to quiz the people around me like they're all at an eye exam.

"My craziness: better, or worse?"

Do you ever look back at a post and think, "Did I just say that shit in public?"

Every day, Allyson.

Just recently, actually.

IF I were one to do imaginary hugs or such through the box, I would do so for Allyson.

This is only kinda public.

ok, I'm up too late and must go tobed, VM and GA on one night. Here's hoping for good dreams.

That's when he mentioned that patients who have careers/hobbies in the arts/creative fields also describe that hollowness.

That's very interesting to know. I've definitely had trouble "getting it up" for my performances. I'm excited to perform but I'm doing a bad job of rehearsing properly and haven't been able to figure out why.

I've also had depression since I was pretty little. Didn't figure that out for a long time, though. I took Effexor in 1995 for a year or so then got off it swearing I'd never go on anti-deps again. Things got so bad towards the end of last year that my parents demanded I do it again and I figured I'd try. It was a good decision. Luckily for me, I haven't been feeling totally hollow or ennervated. I think maybe it's because I'm on a low dosage.

I wish I had closer friends in real life (who aren't my ex). I get energized by being around people I care for who care for me.

I do know what you mean about preferring depression to numbness. That's why I got off Effexor. I couldn't feel highs. I feel in love (with the self-same ex). We were over the moon but there was a way it was all distant from me. I felt robbed by the drug.

I hope you find something (whether meds, therapy, or whatever) that makes you feel better and as creatively productive as you want to be. Thanks for sharing your experience.

I can almost be convinced that the naked-snatch thing isn't just about looking like a kid.

Maybe it's about not wanting to get hair caught between your teeth.

Maybe it's about not wanting to get hair caught between your teeth.

Yeah. Or to make cleanup easer after adventures with edible undies....

GA: Alex was a COMPLETE dick. He forgot that his first duty is to the patient. Well, Dr. Mrs. Shepard will remind him, now won't she? And does he not realized that he is a witness, and when this shit goes to trial (if the hospital doesn't settle, which they probably will), he will be called to testify, and could lose his job over this. Asshole.

Did I tell you guys I got a bed for Ruby that matches mine?

I have the Pop Flower set from Isaac Mizrahi, so it's all orange and pink and bright. And I found a wicker basket on clearance at Ross, the same shade of orange, lined with this soft cottony fabric with an orange flower print. So I put a soft pillow and blanket in it. She lurves it, and is asleep right now inside it, next to my desk.