Oscars 2006 Goodie Bags.

And, per imdb, George Clooney is auctioning his off:

Hollywood heart-throb George Clooney has donated his bag of Oscar goodies to an auction to raise money for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. The Syriana actor, who won the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award on March 5, insists he has no need for the expensive gifts, which are given to the millionaire celebrities, simply for attending the annual ceremony. The bag, which contains a host of items including a BlackBerry 8700c, a Kay Unger kimono and a Tahitian-pearl necklace, will be auctioned for the United Way Hurricane Response and Relief Recovery Fund from March 21. United Way spokeswoman Sheila Consaul says the highest bidder will receive a handwritten thank you note from Clooney.

Clooney needs to be stopped.

Volunteers?

WE say "Hello, {Company Name}. This is Scrappy."

I think he's just really really determined not to get married, so he's trying to make the line outside his door as long as possible.

When I'm calling someone else, I'll do the "Hi, I'm ___ from ___ and here's my issue," with a Please or If you have a moment or whatnot thrown in for good measure. When I'm answering the phone at work, I say my boss's name 'cause the only people who ever want to talk to me instead of him already know my voice and don't need to know it's me, and none of the others care. Though I'll give my name if they ask.

I will confess that when people answer like that, I often can't quite parse the words, so then I respond, "I'm sorry, is this Company X?" And then they think I'm a dumbass.

OMG, that's you? Sorry for being so terse. When that happens - "Good afternoon, Doctor Smith's office." "Is this Doctor Smith's office?" - I always have to physically restrain myself from saying, "You got me. We're really Pasquale's Pizza. Just funning with you."

I also get peeved at the people who call and say things like, "I'm calling about my son. He knows what it's about. Put him on the line." (a) Brusque much? (b) He sees 600-700 kids a year. If you can't bring yourself to say either your name or your kid's name, I guarantee he will have not the faintest clue on earth what it's about. (c) He hates talking on the phone, hates talking to people he doesn't know, and hates being unprepared; if I put you through to him nameless, he'll be savage and you'll be sorry. I promise it's not a HIPAA violation to give a doctor's patient's name to the doctor's own secretary. Jeesh.

Clooney is obviously waiting for me.

Obviously.

OMG, that's you? Sorry for being so terse.

But see, I know it's my problem, so I don't mind when the person's like, "I said, Good afternoon, COMPANY X MAY I HELP YOU."

The only calls I'm supposed to get are internal ones, and mostly from people I've communicated with before.

We're a company of a gazillion divisions that look separate to the outside eye, so when someone gets me by mistake and then asks for me to route them back to the operator...well, I've stopped feeling bad. But I have no idea where to start dialling. And "well, anyone in the XYZ department, then" doesn't work, because how could I find them?

And then there's the guy who thought I was protecting myself by not transferring him to the CEO.

I don't want to marry Clooney. I don't even want to have sex with him. I just want him to take me out to dinner and dancing and make me feel like a million bucks occasionally.

This should be doable, right?

I answer the phone "Good morning, X Library Reference Desk. How may I help you?" It's long enough that even people fuddled by phone greetings can get the last part.

I will volunteer to stop Clooney. Just get me a meeting with him.