I've done something extremely stupid and it's a big stupid mistake. I'm at this weird state where I'm freaking out and I have to tell my parents about this (unless I lie and lying is partly what got me in trouble). If I lived further away or if I had money to take care this I wouldn't have to tell them, but I'm not totally freaking out panicking. I want to curl up in a hole and wish this never happened.
I've called my therapist. This might sound really bad, but part of me wishes I would fall to pieces enough so I can go to the hospital and deal with falling apart rather than this. But I don't need that. It's just running away and avoidance (again, what got me into this problem).
I've posted in lj drunk, but I don't think I've drunk dialed. And, given that I have to be capable of remembering my lj password and other such things, I've never posted while really, really drunk. My coordination--fingers and all--tends to be the first thing to go when I'm drinking.
I've LJ posted drunk, and I've emailed professors drunk to inform them I wouldn't be attending class that day. But I usually don't remember how to dial a phone when I'm that wasted; though, strangely, I can still type.
I've chatted on irc (with Dan probably) while on Ambien.
Ah, shit, askye. Vibing you wise-decision and get-through-it-ma. Whatever it is, it sounds bad and it sounds like you're making yourself wretched over it. May you pass through the awfulness and make it through to the other side.
The times I've hugely fucked up or had to face something awful that I didn't know how I was going to get through, one thing that helped was reminding myself that whatever I was dreading
would
be over, sooner or later. If I have to make this horrible confession or submit to that procedure or finish that other awful and depressing task, I force myself to remember that in 24 or 48 hours or a week or a month, I'll be on the other side of the awfulness, looking back, and it will be safely in the past and never to be lived through again. Then it's just a matter of getting from this moment to that moment when it's over and done with.
I'm so not a phone person that drunk dialing is not really a worry. But I totally post when drunk, here more than lj.
Oh, ugh, askye. I totally know that place, and I hope you find a way to just get it over with and not make yourself more unhappy by avoiding. Man, that can be a bitch, though.
Sorry, Askye. I hate having to deal with things like that, too.
Thanks.
The worst thing is I lied to my parents about part of this situation. Mom asked me something and I lied and she asked me "are you telling the truth" and I said "yes". Point blank to her face. I did it because at the time it was easier to deal with than the truth. It kills me that I did that and I'm worried that I'm going to totally ruin my relationship with my parents, esp mom. That she'll feel she can't trust me.
It's just a mess and it's all my fault and I'm really pissed off at my self.
