A veteran teacher told me when I had the same problem with my students, "A joke is only funny if both people laugh." This works if the hurtful thing is directed to a third party and you want to step in. If it's hurtful to you, you can be really direct (I had to do this with the BF"s father). I start by agreeing with them. I AM sensitive, you WERE joking. "I know you didn't mean it, but it made me feel bad. Now you know that this is not something I want to be teased about. If you make a joke about this subject to me again, I know you'll be doing it to make me feel bad, and if you care about me, why would you want to do that?"

Steph, I'm on the recieving end of a lot of short jokes -- just last night someone I've known for years said, "HaHaHa, you're a lot shorter standing up!" to a group of people that included folks I was meeting for the first time.

Mostly, I sneer (if I don't know the person) or give them a shocked look and don't say anything (if I know the person). Sometimes, if I think the person is the kind who would like to correct their behavior, I point out that you'd never walk up to someone and say, "HaHaHa, you're a lot THINNER standing up!" and try to get them to see that any comment that purports to be a joke on someone's physical appearance is, at best, rude but has the potential to be very hurtful.

My DH was one of those people who assumed he hadn't done anything wrong if his intent was a joke. I analogized that if he was walking down the street and by accident stomped on someone's toe, he'd feel awful about it and apologize, even though his intent wasn't to hurt anyone. And that if he hurt my feelings, or anyone else's, without intent, that person still deserved an apology from him.

"I know you didn't mean it, but it made me feel bad. Now you know that this is not something I want to be teased about. If you make a joke about this subject to me again, I know you'll be doing it to make me feel bad, and if you care about me, why would you want to do that?"

I like that! Though I have to admit, I expect the person to reply with, "I can't help it if you don't have a sense of humor, etc."

Though I have to admit, I expect the person to reply with, "I can't help it if you don't have a sense of humor, etc."

You should kick him in the crotch, then say, "I can't help it if you have sensitive nerve endings there."

I'm all for the, "Wow. I didn't realize anal warts affected brain patterns that way. Huh." response.

Also, I sent the letter for that position yesterday. When is too soon to call on it? The ad doesn't say don't call.

if he was walking down the street and by accident stomped on someone's toe, he'd feel awful about it and apologize, even though his intent wasn't to hurt anyone.

This is a perfect analogy for these situations (at least for the ones where they really don't get the intent vs. outcome problem; maybe nsm for sheer asshole-ness) -- mind if I file it for later reuse?

You should kick him in the crotch, then say, "I can't help it if you have sensitive nerve endings there."

Or do the same, point and laught at him doubled over, and say, "I'm sorry, I just find physical humor to be far funnier than your cutdowns."

File away, amych.

Also, I sent the letter for that position yesterday. When is too soon to call on it? The ad doesn't say don't call.

I'd give it a week or so.