Okay, I have a question that I'd love some input on.

How do you react when someone pulls the "Can't you take a *joke*?" line after they do/say hurtful, asshole-ish things?

This hasn't happened to me recently, but something I read last night reminded me of it, and of the fact that I never, ever know how to shoot them down and tell them that no, it's *not* funny; it's abusive. I try, but it's kryptonite to me.

Jerk: "What -- can't you take a *joke*?"
Me: "That's *not* a joke. Jokes are funny. That was hurtful."
Jerk: "I can't help it if you don't have a good sense of humor."
Me: "I have a great sense of humor, actually, which is how I know that wasn't a joke."
Jerk: "Jeez, lighten up! I just meant it as a joke and you took it the wrong way!"

For me, that's a no-win situation. I can't think of any effective way to respond.

Thoughts?

Those types never learn, Teppy, because to accept what you're saying would mean they'd have to rewrite long-held and cherished beliefs. About all you can do is sneer and walk away.

I don't think that there is any way to knock sense into someone's head like that, Steph. They're obviously oblivious to their "sense of humor" being hurtful and assholish. A situation like that always gets turned aroudn on you and it's "you're too sensitive" or whatnot.

Unless you want to go into detail why the comment was hurtful (which may just open you up for more ridicule) I don't know how else to make the point.

About all you can do is sneer and walk away.

That's what I figured, but I wondered if I was missing some effective, Incredibly Strong(TM) way to respond.

How do you react when someone pulls the "Can't you take a *joke*?" line after they do/say hurtful, asshole-ish things?

Pretty much the way you do. I don't think there's any way to convince someone that they're an asshole, if telling them point-blank doesn't work.

[eta: I mean, I suppose a snappy "Yes, too bad you can't TELL one!" would work in the presence of other people, who would then laugh at the asshole and make them feel stupid, would work, but it's not going to make them any less rude in the long run.]

A veteran teacher told me when I had the same problem with my students, "A joke is only funny if both people laugh." This works if the hurtful thing is directed to a third party and you want to step in. If it's hurtful to you, you can be really direct (I had to do this with the BF"s father). I start by agreeing with them. I AM sensitive, you WERE joking. "I know you didn't mean it, but it made me feel bad. Now you know that this is not something I want to be teased about. If you make a joke about this subject to me again, I know you'll be doing it to make me feel bad, and if you care about me, why would you want to do that?"

Steph, I'm on the recieving end of a lot of short jokes -- just last night someone I've known for years said, "HaHaHa, you're a lot shorter standing up!" to a group of people that included folks I was meeting for the first time.

Mostly, I sneer (if I don't know the person) or give them a shocked look and don't say anything (if I know the person). Sometimes, if I think the person is the kind who would like to correct their behavior, I point out that you'd never walk up to someone and say, "HaHaHa, you're a lot THINNER standing up!" and try to get them to see that any comment that purports to be a joke on someone's physical appearance is, at best, rude but has the potential to be very hurtful.

My DH was one of those people who assumed he hadn't done anything wrong if his intent was a joke. I analogized that if he was walking down the street and by accident stomped on someone's toe, he'd feel awful about it and apologize, even though his intent wasn't to hurt anyone. And that if he hurt my feelings, or anyone else's, without intent, that person still deserved an apology from him.

"I know you didn't mean it, but it made me feel bad. Now you know that this is not something I want to be teased about. If you make a joke about this subject to me again, I know you'll be doing it to make me feel bad, and if you care about me, why would you want to do that?"

I like that! Though I have to admit, I expect the person to reply with, "I can't help it if you don't have a sense of humor, etc."

Though I have to admit, I expect the person to reply with, "I can't help it if you don't have a sense of humor, etc."

You should kick him in the crotch, then say, "I can't help it if you have sensitive nerve endings there."

I'm all for the, "Wow. I didn't realize anal warts affected brain patterns that way. Huh." response.