Meanwhile! I am currently twirling my moustache and enjoying my evil laugh, because apparently last night I managed to slip in, without anyone noticing, that I went speed dating. This is dating where if you talk below fifty words a minute, Dennis Hopper blows you up. No, wait, it's for people who are only looking for a quickie. Damn, I have it written down somewhere. Ok, apparently it's the opposite of carbon dating. No, wait, I'm reading my shopping list.

Ok, here it is. I spent the evening in a room with fifteen women all eager to meet me, and a bunch of guys who kept trying to cut in on my action, very inconsiderate of them. I had a blast, apparently I'm built for speed. (I told my dad that, and he laughed. A lot. Thanks D.) Ok, it's too early to be saying that, I haven't yet heard if any of them want to see me again, and how many women responded by changing their phone number/their address/the locks. But I still had fun. Interesting observation, most of the people there had never been to one of these events before. Naturally, that must mean that most people who've been through it before have found their perfect match, settled down and are now living happily ever after. (Fay! It would never work between us! I have no respect for the serial comma. Sorry, the serial "comma".)

I may still be a little hopped up.

Anyway, talking beforehand with some of the guys, we came up with this opening line: "Do you like strawberry ice cream?" I think it's a brilliant one. Only used it once, but it went over a treat. About four women in a row opened with "What are your hobbies", My standard response became "Well, I enjoy public speaking, playing board games, oh, and I love animals. ...If it gets cold enough.")

A personal observation. I've always been pretty crap at small talk at a party, with people I don't know anyway. I just feel very awkward. What I can do, very well, is speak to an audience. Especially as the evening went on, I was more and more treating the conversations like putting on a bit of a show. One woman actually picked it, apparently the animated gestures gave it away. That impressed me. (Oh! The last woman I talked to had just WON a trip to the Galapagos islands! She's also going to check out the Amazon while there. So jealous. I told her how to make an anaconda let go - pour alcohol on its head - just in case.)

Anyway, one problem with treating dating like performance art was I got a teeny bit hyper by evening's end. I need to watch that next time. The setting wasn't what I expected; it was just sitting around on couches in a nightclub kind of room. I was envisaging something like a bingo hall with flourescent lighting and long tables; this was much better, more intimate. Though the dim lighting made writing legible notes an uncertain venture. However, I still finished up ticking 'yes' to seven women, and with any luck there'll be a couple of them that feel the same way.

Sounds great, bt. I've been kind of idly interested by speed dating, but I think I'm too awkward with new people to really get anything out of it.

Go, BT!

I think Trudy or someone said you can make your own with fabric softener and water, but I've always been afraid it would spot the fabric.

This is my Mother's claim every time she mocks my wrinkle releaser. I've yet to try it myself.

I have, in fact, made my own wrinkle releaser after hearing about Trudy's Mom's success at homebrew -- and yes, it works great and is much more cost-effective. And so far my clothes haven't been destroyed, though I generally dress like a bag lady anyway, so, really, no one could tell.

The last woman I talked to had just WON a trip to the Galapagos islands! She's also going to check out the Amazon while there. So jealous. I told her how to make an anaconda let go - pour alcohol on its head - just in case.

billytea, seriously, I expect posts from you in the next week lamenting how hard it is to schedule all your dates, because I can't imagine any woman not wanting a chance at more than 10 minutes with you.

(Alcohol, like booze, or isopropyl?)

I find the concept of speed dating quite interesting. If it had been an option when I was actually dating I would have gone for it. It sounds fun. Much more fun with billytea no doubt.

Off to watch Raising Arizona with the kids. Haven't seen it in many years. I hope it has enough funny for the boys.

I hope it has enough funny for the boys.

"Sometimes, I get the menstrual cramps REAL hard."

"I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got."

God yes, I think they will enjoy it.

Outta here. G'night Bitches.

billytea, seriously, I expect posts from you in the next week lamenting how hard it is to schedule all your dates, because I can't imagine any woman not wanting a chance at more than 10 minutes with you.

I'm expecting more than one "Well, that guy was clearly insane". Possibly a smattering of "Wow, they've taught a potato to talk!" And the age group went down to 23, so there may be the odd "That guy was old enough to be my father, if my father were a redneck from a Louisiana swamp, and I'm not willing to rule it out where he's concerned." Anyway, I'll let you know as events unfold whether there's enough billytea to go around.

(Alcohol, like booze, or isopropyl?)

As long as it's got a reasonable alcohol content, something like gin or vodka will work just fine. But, pure alcohol is an effective way to go too.

Also, I have just finished booking a hotel suite and rental car (using my Dad's credit card) for my brother's wedding. Shit, man. Five days with my family. Five days plus a WEDDING with my family. I'm flying with and sharing a hotel (hence the suite, not just 1 room) with my Dad for 3 days.

If it were a movie, this would be the trailer's intro: "Montpelier, Vermont: For Five Days in August, It Will Become HELL for One Family."

I expect to be back in therapy by the time I'm back in Ohio. I'm already twitching just thinking about 5 days with my family.

I wonder if I can stay drunk for 5 days?

I wonder if I can stay drunk for 5 days?

If you can sell it to FOX as a reality show, I think it would be obligatory.