My other problem is that for some reason I actually care about my parents' feelings, and I know that to come right out and say, "I don't want to live with you," would be taken as a form of rejection, and they would be hurt.
Don't make me sic scrappy on you. Of course you care about their feelings. That doesn't mean you can control their responses anymore than they should control your decisions.
This is the most important skill you'll develop as an adult relating to your parents. You're responsible for your choices; they're responsible for their reactions. If you don't make that previous semicolon function as a boundary, then there's going to be all kinds of unhealthy leakage.
Of course, it's tricky coming from your culture where the child is expected to be obedient and the presumption is that the parents will make these kind of decisions for their child. But if you're going to stay in this culture, making your life choices - you need to develop this skill.
Also what sj said. Go visit them. Do it as soon as you can but do it on your terms.
I've gotta go now. I already should have left to meet Dave at his place. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, P-C.
"I like Ann Arbor, and I have connections with the university that may be helpful in my pursuit of a job," is reason enough. They may not like it. They may not agree with it. But it is not their job search.
That's pretty much exactly what I said to her, and I got no response.
If you get one of the jobs in the pipeline, you'll move. If you don't, do you want to move anyway? Because that's possible. Scary, but possible. You just have to decide which way you want to jump.
Yeah, but jumping would again restrict my job search to a particular area, which I don't think is a good idea at this point, given how hard it's been to find positions I'm even remotely qualified for.
Is there honestly no one in your parents' circle who has gone against his/her parents' wishes and turned out okay anyhow? Could you talk to that person, or use him/her as an example to your parents?
The big rebel is my cousin who eloped with a woman of a different caste, was disowned, then reowned, then divorced, then remarried to a woman of his parents' choosing, then divorced, and is now married again. Aaaand he's not really someone my parents look up to.
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, P-C.
Thanks.
Almost totally parenthetically, I have to add that you should give yourself a fuck of a lot of credit for having enough savings that you can even maybe count on 9 months' rent. Hell, if you can count on having 4 months' rent, you're ahead of the game. I don't have that much in reserve, and I'm perilously close to being old enough to be your mom.
I know that doesn't help with the emotional turmoil, but maybe it'll let you back off on the "I suck at being a grown-up" self-flagellation. Financially, you have a bit more breathing room than you think you do, and that's good grown-upness and clear non-suckage. Even if you don't get out of the lease, you'll still be able to make rent, especially if you do temp or McJob work.
And if one of the prospects that have nosed around in the last few weeks makes an offer before the end of this month, you'll still have time to both relocate and find someone to sublet from you. It's a university town, there'll be a flood of people coming in between now and early September, and it's just not possible that every single one of them will already have housing lined up and no need to look.
P-C, I have no idea what it's like to live in an Indian family, but I *do* know what it's like to have incredibly controlling parents/family. And I have no doubt that their way of parenting is something that they learned from their parents, who learned it from their parents, etc. It's one big reinforced ladder of over-parenting.
Obviously they mean the best, they want the best for you, they want you to have a good life. That's not in question.
However, they're doing what my parents do, which is they assume that *they* know the best way for you to have a good life, and they're determined to see you follow the plan they laid out, because they're sure it'll lead to a happy Sunil.
It would be so simple, and so so SO fucking nice if parents could just realize that, as long as you ARE happy, then it doesn't really matter what life circumstances got you to the happy point (barring crime or joining the republican party).
So when you say this:
I know that to come right out and say, "I don't want to live with you," would be taken as a form of rejection, and they would be hurt.
what I want to say to you is really important. You cannot control how they react to your choices. "But I can!" you may want to say. "I can prevent them from being hurt if I give up what I want and toe their line!"
Well, okay, fine. But then *you're* miserable as a result. Which is not an acceptable tradeoff.
You are their kid. They are the parents. The way it's supposed to work (so I hear) is that you are NOT responsible for your parents' feelings. Again, obviously if you were engaging in crime or actually attacking them, then yes, how they feel about that IS your fault. But understand this: when I talk about you not being responsible for your parents' feelings, the implied additional part of that sentence is "for all generally accepted definitions of 'living a normal adult life,' as long as you fit those definitions," you are not responsible for your parents' feelings. Picture it in grey font if need be.
So. An adult kid not wanting to move back home post-college if he can in any way avoid it, especially when he's actively looking for a job for which he is well-qualified, falls WELL within the generally accepted definitions of a normal adult life. You are not doing something deviant. You are not doing something that is, in fact, an attack on your parents. If they choose to take it that way, you cannot control that.
And knowing that your parents, whom you love, are going to be hurt in response to something you're doing -- when it's something that you know is normal and not harmful and not in any way "wrong" -- that sucks. It sucks big time. Please understand I'm not making light of it to put it in those terms -- I have been through it, I still go through it, and it drives me to tears far too often.
But you are an adult, Sunil. One with the education and skills to support himself, which you've already demonstrated. You have the chance right now -- even though it sucks and it's going to be ridiculously hard and stressful -- to set down boundaries and establish an adult relationship with your parents. It sucks and it's hard, but it can be done. You can do it now, instead of waiting until you're 34 years old.
It's hard, honey, but -- you've seen Garden State, right? -- this is your life. This is it. You can start living it on your terms. You can.
So much love for you here P-C. So nice to see.
And a big hug of clarity from me, too.
This is the most important skill you'll develop as an adult relating to your parents. You're responsible for your choices; they're responsible for their reactions. If you don't make that previous semicolon function as a boundary, then there's going to be all kinds of unhealthy leakage.
David speaks the word of dog. This the greatest lesson you will ever learn as an adult. Sucktastic going through it? Sure. Hold you in good stead forever? Yeah.
I have to add that you should give yourself a fuck of a lot of credit for having enough savings that you can even maybe count on 9 months' rent.
Heh. Well, that's what I get for being cheap. I haven't been making any money since January, though. The bank account just goes down every month. It's depressing.
It's hard, honey, but -- you've seen Garden State, right? -- this is your life. This is it. You can start living it on your terms. You can.
Your post brought tears to my eyes, Teppy. Thanks.
The big rebel is my cousin who eloped with a woman of a different caste, was disowned, then reowned, then divorced, then remarried to a woman of his parents' choosing, then divorced, and is now married again. Aaaand he's not really someone my parents look up to.
Is there any way you can contact him and talk to him ?
I have his e-mail address somewhere. I don't understand what good it would do, though.
