"I like Ann Arbor, and I have connections with the university that may be helpful in my pursuit of a job," is reason enough. They may not like it. They may not agree with it. But it is not their job search.

That's pretty much exactly what I said to her, and I got no response.

If you get one of the jobs in the pipeline, you'll move. If you don't, do you want to move anyway? Because that's possible. Scary, but possible. You just have to decide which way you want to jump.

Yeah, but jumping would again restrict my job search to a particular area, which I don't think is a good idea at this point, given how hard it's been to find positions I'm even remotely qualified for.

Is there honestly no one in your parents' circle who has gone against his/her parents' wishes and turned out okay anyhow? Could you talk to that person, or use him/her as an example to your parents?

The big rebel is my cousin who eloped with a woman of a different caste, was disowned, then reowned, then divorced, then remarried to a woman of his parents' choosing, then divorced, and is now married again. Aaaand he's not really someone my parents look up to.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, P-C.

Thanks.

{{{{P-C}}}}

t hugs P-C

Almost totally parenthetically, I have to add that you should give yourself a fuck of a lot of credit for having enough savings that you can even maybe count on 9 months' rent. Hell, if you can count on having 4 months' rent, you're ahead of the game. I don't have that much in reserve, and I'm perilously close to being old enough to be your mom.

I know that doesn't help with the emotional turmoil, but maybe it'll let you back off on the "I suck at being a grown-up" self-flagellation. Financially, you have a bit more breathing room than you think you do, and that's good grown-upness and clear non-suckage. Even if you don't get out of the lease, you'll still be able to make rent, especially if you do temp or McJob work.

And if one of the prospects that have nosed around in the last few weeks makes an offer before the end of this month, you'll still have time to both relocate and find someone to sublet from you. It's a university town, there'll be a flood of people coming in between now and early September, and it's just not possible that every single one of them will already have housing lined up and no need to look.

P-C, I have no idea what it's like to live in an Indian family, but I *do* know what it's like to have incredibly controlling parents/family. And I have no doubt that their way of parenting is something that they learned from their parents, who learned it from their parents, etc. It's one big reinforced ladder of over-parenting.

Obviously they mean the best, they want the best for you, they want you to have a good life. That's not in question.

However, they're doing what my parents do, which is they assume that *they* know the best way for you to have a good life, and they're determined to see you follow the plan they laid out, because they're sure it'll lead to a happy Sunil.

It would be so simple, and so so SO fucking nice if parents could just realize that, as long as you ARE happy, then it doesn't really matter what life circumstances got you to the happy point (barring crime or joining the republican party).

So when you say this:

I know that to come right out and say, "I don't want to live with you," would be taken as a form of rejection, and they would be hurt.

what I want to say to you is really important. You cannot control how they react to your choices. "But I can!" you may want to say. "I can prevent them from being hurt if I give up what I want and toe their line!"

Well, okay, fine. But then *you're* miserable as a result. Which is not an acceptable tradeoff.

You are their kid. They are the parents. The way it's supposed to work (so I hear) is that you are NOT responsible for your parents' feelings. Again, obviously if you were engaging in crime or actually attacking them, then yes, how they feel about that IS your fault. But understand this: when I talk about you not being responsible for your parents' feelings, the implied additional part of that sentence is "for all generally accepted definitions of 'living a normal adult life,' as long as you fit those definitions," you are not responsible for your parents' feelings. Picture it in grey font if need be.

So. An adult kid not wanting to move back home post-college if he can in any way avoid it, especially when he's actively looking for a job for which he is well-qualified, falls WELL within the generally accepted definitions of a normal adult life. You are not doing something deviant. You are not doing something that is, in fact, an attack on your parents. If they choose to take it that way, you cannot control that.

And knowing that your parents, whom you love, are going to be hurt in response to something you're doing -- when it's something that you know is normal and not harmful and not in any way "wrong" -- that sucks. It sucks big time. Please understand I'm not making light of it to put it in those terms -- I have been through it, I still go through it, and it drives me to tears far too often.

But you are an adult, Sunil. One with the education and skills to support himself, which you've already demonstrated. You have the chance right now -- even though it sucks and it's going to be ridiculously hard and stressful -- to set down boundaries and establish an adult relationship with your parents. It sucks and it's hard, but it can be done. You can do it now, instead of waiting until you're 34 years old.

It's hard, honey, but -- you've seen Garden State, right? -- this is your life. This is it. You can start living it on your terms. You can.

So much love for you here P-C. So nice to see. And a big hug of clarity from me, too.

This is the most important skill you'll develop as an adult relating to your parents. You're responsible for your choices; they're responsible for their reactions. If you don't make that previous semicolon function as a boundary, then there's going to be all kinds of unhealthy leakage.

David speaks the word of dog. This the greatest lesson you will ever learn as an adult. Sucktastic going through it? Sure. Hold you in good stead forever? Yeah.

I have to add that you should give yourself a fuck of a lot of credit for having enough savings that you can even maybe count on 9 months' rent.

Heh. Well, that's what I get for being cheap. I haven't been making any money since January, though. The bank account just goes down every month. It's depressing.

It's hard, honey, but -- you've seen Garden State, right? -- this is your life. This is it. You can start living it on your terms. You can.

Your post brought tears to my eyes, Teppy. Thanks.

The big rebel is my cousin who eloped with a woman of a different caste, was disowned, then reowned, then divorced, then remarried to a woman of his parents' choosing, then divorced, and is now married again. Aaaand he's not really someone my parents look up to.

Is there any way you can contact him and talk to him ?

I have his e-mail address somewhere. I don't understand what good it would do, though.

Is there any way you can contact him and talk to him ?

You really think that guy's a good resource? I'm not seeing so much good judgement there.

That's pretty much exactly what I said to her, and I got no response.

She doesn't have to respond. You're informing her (politely and lovingly, I hope, but informing her) not asking for permission.

Look, I'm going to be blunt with you, because I find it cuts through the stress better than being tender. I'm doing it out of respect for you too Sunil, because you are an adult.

Here's your deal, right? You have to either commit to living where you are for another year (or otherwise remaining responsible for it by subletting, or paying double rent), or give up your apartment when the old lease runs out, which I as I understand it is some time in August.

You should have been on top of that yourself, if you want to be treated like an adult by your folks. Every time you allow/ask them to administrate some sort of detail like this, you're being their child, not their adult son. And as an adult, you should have realized this was going to come up, and that you might not have the sort of job you're looking for, before you had to resolve this housing issue. This housing thing is something you should have already sorted for yourself, if you want to be seen as an adult.

So here's what you have to do. You have decide: Can you commit to living in Ann Arbor for the next year? Would you find that too limiting, career-wise? If so, you've got to give up the apartment. Then your options are either...

• Getting a month-to-month rental, or
  
• Moving back with your folks, until you get a job.

There's no wrong decision here. But there's no magic solution, either. You can't just depend on a job coming through, because that's outside of your control. You can't stay where you are, and move out when you please, without fulfilling your legal agreement with your landlord.

You can keep the apartment for the next year, and decide you're either...

• Willing to take the hit financially (or find a subletter); or
  
• Limit your job search to places accessible from your apartment.

If you know you're going to probably end up in Texas before you get a job, you might as well go home and not make this particular issue *the* issue on which you choose to make your stand with your folks.

If I were you, and I'm clearly not, I would seriously consider signing the lease for the next year, and getting myself some filler job, so that you can keep paying the rent, and restrict my job search to the greater Ann Arbor area. If nothing good comes up by like April, you start looking far and wide again, and at most, you'll only be taking a hit on the rent for a couple of months, if you get dream job.

Getting the kind of job you want right out of school is nearly impossible. It happens, but most people settle for a steady paycheck and health insurance, knowing they need to prove themselves, and they need to keep eating while they prove themselves.

Whatever you choose, I hope you feel easy in it. And I hope you can find relief from the stress.