Well, that didn't exactly go smoothly. Since I was on the verge of tears when I started talking to my dad.

I don't even know how to sum up. He repeatedly informed me that I didn't have a job, as if I didn't fucking know that, and that I wasn't going to just get an offer tomorrow, and people could always call my cell, so I didn't have to be here. And when he asked me to open and honest about why I was resisting, my voice finally broke to tell him he was forcing me to do everything. And so he reminded me that everyone ever sees their family, and how long had I been gone from home, how long, huh, HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN GONE (six years). And I was using the same excuses about having to be home every minute of the day to look for a job. So what, huh, did I want him to come up here? He'll buy a ticket, and a ticket for my mom, and everyone will come up here to see me since one person can't come down and see them. No, no, he didn't have to do that. Well, then, he was buying a ticket to Atlanta tomorrow, and if I found a job in the next week, he would cancel it. He had to go back to work now.

He was so fucking angry. It pissed me off.

Then, to my mom, who told me to stop crying first. And asked me if I still wanted to be in the family. Then why didn't I want to move back home? I gave her several random answers for why I wanted to stay here, rather than the HELLO I DON'T WANT TO LIVE AT HOME EVER AGAIN answer. She didn't say anything. I told her there was no reason to move twice in so short a period, but she said not to worry about, she would take care of it, and I told her it wasn't just a practical thing, it was nothing she could fix, but she didn't say anything. I don't think there is anything I could possibly say to make them understand why I would rather live here than live at home. And I am so fucking tired of feeling attacked for my decision. So. Fucking. Tired.

And then Deb called, and I was still on the verge of tears, and she asked how I was, and I said I was flustered, because my mom had no permission to do what she'd just done, and I started crying again. She asked what I wanted to do, and I told her I'm sure my mom had told her about my job search and whatever, so I wasn't sure. And she said the thing was it was easy for her to void the new lease, which would force me to leave by August 18, but once I entered the new lease, there was no provision to get out of it. I would be stuck with it for the full twelve months. If I left, I'd have to find a subletter or pay double rent. I told her I'd let her know after I looked at my options. Someone better me a job RIGHT NOW.

God, I suck at life.

I suck at life.

No fuckin' way. Life is yanking you around all the twists it can find to see how long you can last. Just hang on. When you land that job you've been waiting for, you can hop off the torture train, kick the wheels and say "fuck you, bitch" while you skip away, whistling a merry tune.

Just when I think I'm the only one who knows how to live between a rock and a bigger rock. Yeah, man.

Awww, P-C, I'm sorry. You need to go to a temp agency and just get some income even it's not career related for right now.

You're going to be dead miserable if you let your folks make decisions for you. You're going to have to assert your autonomy if you want to keep it.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{P-C}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

PC, David is wise. Register with a temp agency -- just start bringing some money in. You can totally do this!

I suck at life.

No. I'm not usually big on blaming mom and dad, but it does sound as though your parents left you profoundly ill-equipped to cope with stepping off the track they laid out for you. I can understand why you're freaked, and I hope things start looking better for you soon.

Gah, I'm so sorry this is becoming so hard, PC.

And she said the thing was it was easy for her to void the new lease, which would force me to leave by August 18, but once I entered the new lease, there was no provision to get out of it. I would be stuck with it for the full twelve months. If I left, I'd have to find a subletter or pay double rent. I told her I'd let her know after I looked at my options. Someone better me a job RIGHT NOW.

Wait - there's no "leave everything as it was yesterday" option, with your lease expiring in November?

Life is hard, P-C, but you are doing fine. Really. This is a very difficult situation even if everyone is doing exactly the right thing, and that never happens.

Doesn't your curent lease go through November? Why is all this happening around the nexus of August?

It sounds like the best solution is to get a job. Not the job, not even a good job, necessarily, but a job that you can get some income from and that you can use as a bit of a shied from your parents. Even if it's a job they don't think you should have because you should just live at home and/or get your PhD or whatever notions they want to throw at you to solve what they perceive to be yoru problems, it's something that you can say you have made a commitment to, that you can't just leave. For that matter, volunteer somewhere if you have to. Just to give yourself something concrete to hold on to when your folks start in on you.

((((P-C))))

A few thoughts. You may want to skip the rest of this post for now and read it later.

he reminded me that everyone ever sees their family

Bull. I haven't seen anyone in my immediate family since June 1993. In fact, other than the cousin who invited himself to our place one afternoon in November -- 1994 or 1995, I forget which -- while he was doing training about 2 hours away, that's the last time I saw any blood relative.

Someone better me a job RIGHT NOW.

I know it's a stopgap, keep-from-draining-the-bank-account suggestion and not a long-term, use-the-degree idea, but now would be a good time to get a part-time job in a student hangout. You're in a Major College Town, correct? A restaurant-manager friend in Chapel Hill once told me that early fall was the most difficult time for him. The students were back, so business was up to school-year levels -- but they still had money from the summer jobs, so they didn't look for jobs there until about October.

And asked me if I still wanted to be in the family.

Anyone who'd put that kind of guilt trip on you deserves a brutally blunt answer of the kind they don't want to hear.