Steph, would it help to remember that boundaries are limits you put on your own behavior? Being aware of what resources you have to give out to others, and what you need to reserve for yourself, may help. Remember that If You Do Not Take Care of Yourself, You CANNOT Take Care of Anyone Else.

And? It's ok to not be perfect at setting and enforcing boundaries. It may take a while for it to really gel for you. That time between recognizing that you need to work on your boundaries and figuring out what YOU specifically need to do to set and keep 'em - is valuable, and it is very individual. Maybe you, as an individual, need more official work on the concept, like in a support group, or more therapy, or reading self-help books. Or maybe you just need time to bake. But whatever it is, you need it.

You, Steph, are a beautiful, wonderful woman. You are capable of making your life better.

If you do and you need it, I know the bail bondsman there.

I'm going to think of that every time I drive through Mississippi. I hope it never comes in handy. And they don't take away my cell phone and keep me from reaching my invisible friends that will help me get out of jail if it does.

Successful surgery and quick recovery vibes for erika's mom.

Tep, you've gotten great advice. And I've found that each case renegotiates the boundaries somewhat, though they get firmer as you get used to maintaining them.

Steph, would it help to remember that boundaries are limits you put on your own behavior?

Yeah, but -- oh, the guilt! My Dad calls me every. single. day. Sometimes twice. I have nothing new to tell him, and he has nothing new to tell me; his default introductory phone phrase is "I just wanted to see what was going on."

I know that he's lonely. He doesn't have to be, but he is. I am not the outlet for his loneliness. I am not a substitute spouse, which is what it feels like most of the time, and let me tell you, if it *sounds* creepy (and it should), just try and imagine what it *feels* like.

So what do I do? Say "Dad! Stop calling me every single day!!!"?

If I don't answer the phone (thank you, Caller ID!), he just calls back. And calls back. And calls back. But never leaves a message or calls my cell phone, which is what I would expect him to do in an emergency. And then when I finally *do* answer the phone, he immediately asks me, "Where were you?"

I know he's lonely, and he's probably looking for security. But creeping kudzu-like into all aspects of my life is not the way to get security. Or, even if it is, where is the dividing line between Dutiful Daughter and Appendage of Parent?

And that's where the guilt comes in. Because how do you tell your aging, single, heart-disease-riddled parent to BACK THE HELL OFF?

I hate it. And -- I'm serious -- most days I wish I were still just fucked up and not even aware that I was lacking boundaries.

You can't MAKE them feel anything.

I'm pretty sure I can take responsibility for having made people feel certain ways -- there are things I shouldn't have done, and things I'm pretty glad I did, because of what they elicited.

I mean -- I don't think it's fair to say I'd choose the emotion I'd feel in response to a) getting a black belt b) losing my family c) being fired. Dealing with those emotions is something under my control, but that's different.

It's a balancing game, to take care of how you deal with people and how you deal with yourself. Steph, you're doing something hard, very hard. And it'll take practice. But strength and intention are important, and you have both.

But strength and intention are important, and you have both.

Can I just kick people in the head? It would be SO much easier and faster than actual mental health.

Can I just kick people in the head? It would be SO much easier and faster than actual mental health.

Not mutually exclusive options. Possibly synergistic.

Can I just kick people in the head? It would be SO much easier and faster than actual mental health.

Not mutually exclusive options. Possibly synergistic.

Sweet!

Kick Your Way To Mental Health! would sell a million copies. I think ita should write it and buy us an island.

Can you start turning your phone off? During my mom's chemo, we talked every day and I am now gradually tapering it off to every other day. She is alone, too, which makes it harder. I just don't call her back until the next day and then make a vague excuse, "I was working until late and didn't have time to call." or "I saw you called last night but I was busy." I then *quickly* (to cut off questioning) and cheerfully ask questions about what she has been doing and get her talking. If I do get asked what I was doing, I might say I was reading or watching TV or something like that. At the end of the call I say, "Well, I'll talk to you on Wednesday."