Kick Your Way To Mental Health! would sell a million copies. I think ita should write it and buy us an island.

Can you start turning your phone off? During my mom's chemo, we talked every day and I am now gradually tapering it off to every other day. She is alone, too, which makes it harder. I just don't call her back until the next day and then make a vague excuse, "I was working until late and didn't have time to call." or "I saw you called last night but I was busy." I then *quickly* (to cut off questioning) and cheerfully ask questions about what she has been doing and get her talking. If I do get asked what I was doing, I might say I was reading or watching TV or something like that. At the end of the call I say, "Well, I'll talk to you on Wednesday."

Can I just kick people in the head?

I've got a list of potential targets if you need 'em.

I am not a substitute spouse, which is what it feels like most of the time, and let me tell you, if it *sounds* creepy (and it should), just try and imagine what it *feels* like.

Ugh, Tep. BTDT, got the T-shirt. It is hard saying "no" to a parent, particularly in that situation. It took me a while to break my father of the habit of expecting me to cook every evening when I was living at home. I got in the habit of not fixing anything and then about 7:30ish he'd ask me what I was making for dinner. "Nothing. Maybe heat myself some left overs." He finally got into at least fixing himself leftovers if I wasn't cooking. Once he got past the expecting me to cook every night, I actually started doing it a little more frequently. It's not that I minded cooking, per se, but that he expected me to fall right into the "wife" role because I was a female. He never expected the same thing of my brother, even though he's been living with Dad (and Mom when she was alive) all his life and he's a very good cook.

So, yeah, it takes a while if you're not willing to come right out and state your needs. I used to have a hard time doing that with my father and that's why in that instance I had to do it by example. Nowadays, I just tell him what bugs. In some ways, not having Mom around helped my father and me get closer because we didn't have an intermediary anymore.

I think my mother and I talk every day, or nearly so. It's a mutually willing thing though, which is different.

actually I think Robin has a good idea - ending the conversation with I'll talk to you again X. This way he knows you going to talk to him. and when you don't answer the phone - you have that ablity to say you that you told him you would talk to him on x.

MY mom had to do the same thing to my Dad as Sailaweight did. My mom started working full time - sometiems dad would get home before her. My mom announced that she ould not be cooking everynight. When Dad asked what's for dinner - her response was - whatever you are cooking. It took awahile, but it worked. It also made the transistion when Dad retired easier. Mom said " if you are retireing - so am I . It is no longer my resonsibility to make sure the house is clean " . Dad always did a bunch around the house anyway, but now things are split up a bunch more.

Now, if only I could figure out my boundry issues. We were very socila this weekend. This means I haven't started HP6 yet. and I am really tired. Ever since we found this neighborhood we always have something to do... Which sounds good 'til you realizes I need some time that is on Beth Schedual. Starting on the 25th I'll be working evenings at the library. Most of a day on my time . yay!

UGH. I hate this day so fucking much and want to go home and cry.

I am so fucking stupid that it took me about 8 tried to spell "stupid" correctly. Or that could be the rage. And my falafel SUCKS.

{{Nora}} I'm sorry.

Suddenly feeling slightly better about Claude Rains-type dad, just a little though, cause if I want anything I have to get it *anywhere* else, but that's weird, Tep. Of course, I can't really advise because my relationship with my mother is pretty complicated and has a lot of shifting boundaries. Maybe you could tell him if he backed off a little, you'd have a chance, to, you know, miss him and have stuff to say. (blush) I know I've done that to people, not second spouse, but pushed a bit too hard, out of loneliness or having a personal problem that I needed to mindfuck to death...uh, talk through. Or sometimes, though not the case with Tep and her dad, I thought we were closer than we were, you know? I'm sorry.

{{{Nora}}}

erika, surgery-ma for your mom.

Teppy, I agree that it sounds like your dad is lonely, which makes things harder. Could you warn him ahead of time, by saying something like "I'm going to be really busy for the next few days, so I won't have time to talk again until Thursday," and then just don't answer the phone form him until Thursday?

I don't really have anything useful to suggest because, while my mom has boundary issues, she doesn't expect to talk to me more than once a weekish, which is fine with me.